It's nearly Christmas, my first as his slave. I don't wear his physical collar yet, but that will change soon.
He's given the go ahead to begin planning our collaring ceremony. I'm so exited that it's all I can think about when I lay down to sleep at night. We haven't set a date yet for the ceremony, he wants to get the collar first, but he says it is his first priority after the first of the year.
He asked me if, after being collared by him, I will finally realize that he's not going anywhere and that he's not looking to bigger and better deal me.
That's a major failing of mine, trusting that anyone who loves me really does love me. You'd think after 17 years of being with him as his girlfriend and then wife, and now slave, that I would feel secure. I know he thinks I should be. And he's right, I should. Yet there's this tiny little part of me that cringes in expectation of being kicked.
He hasn't given me reason to feel this way, it's deep rooted from my early childhood. Something I need to let go of once and for all. I remember something I heard in a movie once... "Childhood is something you spend the rest of your life recovering from". Or something like that. In a lot of ways that's true for me.
12-25-03 Merry Christmas
It's Christmas today. The oldest kids are playing with their new Gameboys, I want one! The youngest is lying on the couch drifting in and out of fever induced sleep.
Our youngest is sick today so no family will be coming over as was originally planned. My sister has four kids that she really doesn't want exposed to this whatever it is. I don't blame her, her youngest just got over an illness.
Still, I wish they could come visit. I love my sister and her kids and I love to see them.
I had a fit of anger when Master interrupted my nap to put the turkey in the oven. My only excuse is that I was tired and I'm not feeling well myself. But, they're just that, excuses. I want to go to him and beg forgiveness.
It's nothing more than pure selfishness behind my anger. I was angry because my nap was interrupted. I'm still learning that even my sleep, or lack therof, is his.
It's hard, serving so completely.
I was embarrassed and proud last night, we were at Master's sister's house for Christmas Eve. He told me to fix him a plate of food and his mother piped up with "Who's gonna be your slave tomorrow?" in jest. He responded with "Her, she's my slave every day." I don't know if they thought he was kidding or not, I was at the sink washing my hands when the conversation transpired and I stayed facing the sink so no one could see my blushes and silly grin. I served him the rest of the night as I always do and no one said another word about it.
It felt good to have him be so honest about our relationship. To know that he's proud of what we are and what we do.
Merry Christmas to everyone everywhere.
