Post-Party Ramblings

So here I am, a couple days after the party, realizing that I was silly to worry as much as I did. We went to the party and we had a good time and no one there looked like a super model. I can be so silly sometimes. Lucky for me Master is so understanding eh? *grins*

I'm told there was a girl there who was checking me out when we arrived. I disappointed her though when I proclaimed my hetness. That's not exactly accurate but how do you explain to a group of people, some of them strangers, that your bisexuality is extremely situational and almost totally related to the person you're attracted to? I have a specific "type" of person I'm attracted to and it doesn't matter if that person is male or female. But how to explain to a room full of women that none of them turns you on without being offensive about it? I found it much easier to declare heterosexuality though I did obtain Master's permission to do so.

I'm thankful that our host introduced us as non-swingers because we most certainly are, but also because it eliminated the need to turn any interested parties down. I'm 30-something and I still don't know how to tell someone I'm not interested in them without possibly hurting their feelings. I'm nothing if not blunt. I remember when we were still getting to know J, he asked to demonstrate something on me and grabbed a fist-full of my hair and expected me to respond by softening and relaxing into his grip instead, I laughed at him; full-throated and hearty.

I have to say, it was a little strange watching other people have sex, arousing but strange. We didn't participate in any sexual activities; Master didn't want to. Although we did have a very good SM session in which He and m'Lady tore my backside up. Not literally, but they did leave some nice reminders that I'll likely have for the next week or so. They get so intense when they play together like that and my oh my do I love being the focus for their attentions. I was reluctant to strip but once I did I was fine until I came back to myself after the scene. Being nude is to be vulnerable and I just don't like to be that vulnerable around so many people.

Apparently it was good to watch, we had everyone gathered to watch us in silence. I think I remember hearing a gasp or two when He punched my back or maybe it was when the whips came out, I don't remember for certain. Most of the time my attention was focused on breathing through the sensations. They took me through a broad range of emotions, everything from amusement and laughter to defiance, fear, and finally, tears. At the end, when it seemed like they were soothing me and bringing the session to an end, Master wrapped an arm over my shoulder and chest and began to paddle my butt with the evil rubber paddle. I fought and tried to get away while simultaneously trying to stay and take it. Eventually I sunk teeth into his arm and found a bit of solace that way. For some reason it soothed me to have his flesh between my teeth, perhaps I released some of the pain that way, I don't know. I guess I was biting pretty hard, he was afraid I'd break the skin but I didn't.

It didn't take long for him to break me down and wrench the last of my internal control from me. There's a certain sound I make when I'm breaking down and I'm sure that's the sound he listens for when he's of a mind to take me down like that.

Afterward was nice, we cuddled for a while though I had a hard time staying in that soft "afterglow" frame of mind while being surrounded by strangers. I came back to myself a lot more quickly than I usually do. Within minutes I was ready to get up, get dressed, and clean up the toys and space. But it had all been done by m'Lady, she's wonderful that way, and He just wanted me to lie there with him a while.

A while later I got to watch as Master, J, and m'Lady played with a man there who wanted some SM time. It was great to watch and the man had a wonderful sense of humor so the session was rather lively and had the lot of us laughing.

Later still Master, myself, m'Lady, and her boy were all sort of snuggling on an inflatable mattress and it was nice. It felt comfortable and I didn't want it to end but end it did. Eventually we had to return to our respective homes because it was late and there was still some private sex to be had.

All in all I had a good time and got to meet some pretty nice people and reconnect with the tribe. I don't know if we'll go to another party like that again but my fear of them is gone.

Lil' Fun

The lil' girl inside me doesn't get out much to play but today I followed a link on danae's blog and well, I played and it was FUN! Some days it's good to be silly, let's not forget that. Master will probably look at this entry and roll his eyes while saying "Oooh sparkley things". He's forever teasing me about being easily distracted by sparkley things. In my own defense, it's the lil' girl inside me, she loves the sparkleys. *g*

Re-visiting Insecurities

Today I'm fretting about a party Master and I have been invited to. One that will include sex and SM but it isn't sure that we'll be participating in the sex.

It may seem silly, I've been naked in public plenty of times and have even had semi-public sex a few times too. But when faced with a somewhat new situation I find myself balking at the prospect of being naked and possibly having sex in "public".

This really isn't new, in the past couple of years I've noticed myself being reticent to strip down at play parties. I wait for Master to tell me to do so. Part of it is feeling more private about the things I do with Master. But, I'm also feeling more body shy, self-conscious about my shape.

I know Master finds my body pleasing and that should be the end of it, most of the time it is. But sometimes, sometimes I worry that someone may be repulsed by my body and worse, that they might say so. I'm also afraid of being rejected even though I'm really not that interested in other partners, strange I know.

So, the prospect of this party is nerve wracking for me. I know there will be women there who are more desirable than me and I worry that I'll be passed over in favor of them. It's silly, honestly it is. But I can't seem to shake it this insecurity. I've expressed some of this to Master and I'm trying to give it over to him to worry about. It's up to him whether or not I participate in sex with others and if no one expresses interest it shouldn't be a concern for me.

I guess it's my vanity or my pride pricking at me, I'm just vain and proud enough to want to be found desirable by others.

I think I'm being too self-centered because I'm concerned that I might get some interest and won't enjoy myself, won't get turned on, by the people I'm having sex with. I'm pretty picky and like my sex rough, it's been my experience that most people don't like it as rough as I do. This is one of the areas where my individuality clashes with my slavery. If Master wants me to have sex with someone (always safer sex) then I bow to his will, I may very well not enjoy it but to be sure, he will.

I worry too that my expressing my concerns and worries might be seen as trying to top from the bottom. I don't want to influence his decisions or detract from his pleasure. Sometimes it feels like I'm balancing on a razor edge between too much expression and not sharing at all and never knowing if it's too much of one or the other. In the past I have expressed myself badly and came across as trying to assert my wants and needs ahead of his.

I want to go to the party, I want to spend time with our friends, I want to have some unfettered SM play with Master and yeah, it might be fun to watch others while Master and I have sex. Beyond that, I'm unsure. All these what ifs and worries are sucking the fun out of the anticipation.

Fantasies

There was lots of fantasy fodder at the mall today. Pretty young men with pretty eyes just begging to be taken and used. One with wild two-toned hair and piercing blue eyes and a lithe body that would look beautiful writhing in my bed. The other with soft brown curls and soft brown eyes to match, curls that begged to have fingers run through them. He thought he was clever that one, "special offer, just for you." I'll show him a special offer... my teeth buried in his flesh, his screams feeding my beast.

Yes, there's a sad truth, this slave is also a sadist. *wry smiles* Every now and then I need to feed the beast and let it play just a little. It's all about balance and if I don't feed those needs I get all out of whack.

So, today, I find myself fantasizing about the two I met at the mall today. One very daring young man, making bold eye contact and smiling ever so confidently, the other pretending to be shy; peeking out beneath is curly locks. Certain people call to my beast, tease it into wanting to play...there's a scent or an aura about them one that just screams 'prey'.

I could pretty this up but that wouldn't be the truth would it?

Frustrated

There are many levels of frustration and I'm feeling a few of them.

There is educational frustration, registration opens before the posted date and you find out the day after and by then the one class you *have* to have is full.
Then there is sexual frustration, you're not particularly horny until you give your owner an orgasm and his enjoyment of it gets you so excited that every time you think about it you get a twinge down below but it's all moot because it's *that* time of the month.
Finally there is what I like to call physical ailment frustration, it's when you hurt and you've exhausted your pain medication allotment or can't take the one that will work until at least 9 hours later.

Really, though, my attitude is good. Surprisingly. It's been a good day so far. I've been productive and have further productivity yet to achieve. I have cookies to bake for the potluck at work tomorrow. Right now I'm tutoring my sister in the proper way to write a cover letter. Who knew my education would benefit her? *grins*

Yes Dear

I wonder what you hear, when I say "Yes Dear". Do you hear the acceptance of orders that are about to be carried out? The respect for those orders? Sometimes the exasperation that comes from just plain old irritation?

I don't say "Yes Sir" or "Yes Master", but that's what I mean when I say "Yes Dear". I hear you, I understand you, and I'm just about to carry out those orders and by the way, thanks for letting me do it.

Two little words that carry so much meaning, I wonder if you hear all that or if you just hear "Yes Dear".

A MeMe for Jewels

I said I'd get this out last night and I didn't. I've been loathe to spend more than a couple of minutes at the computer for the last few days. I'm getting burned out I think and in need of a bit of a rest, a disconnect. Anyway, without further adieu...

Three things you like about yourself: playfulness, compassion, empathy
Three things you don't like about yourself: elemental, mercurial, my inability to completely control my eating.
Three things that scare you: being abandoned, heights, flying
Three of your everyday essentials: Coke Zero, Master, and a good book
Three things you are wearing right now: jeans, bra, socks
Three of your favorite songs: Sleep (Melissa Etheridge), Angel (Sarah McLaughlin), and Feels Like Home (Chantal Kreviazuk)
Three things you want in a relationship: love, honesty, laughter
Three things that turn you on: inner strength, having my neck bitten, and good erotica
Three things that turn you off: poor hygiene, deliberate ignorance, and arrogance
Two truths and a lie: I'm still a bit insecure, I love coloring in coloring books, and I'm a blonde.
Three things you can't live without: chocolate, good books, and Master
Three places you want to go on vacation:Ireland, Italy, and Yosemite National Park
Three things you just can't do: Cartwheels, draw well, lie (ask Master, I'm a terrible liar)
Three kids names: Johnny, Bobby, and Sally.
Three things you want to do before you die: Travel to the places I want to see, sing for an audience, and have a bald cat for a pet.
Three of your favorite musicians: Evanescence, Loreena McKennitt, Sting
Three physical things about the opposite sex that appeals to you: Strong hands, large forearms, stocky build.
Three of your favorite hobbies: Reading, writing (erotica, essays, blogging, etc.), watching movies.
Three things you really want to do badly right now: Watch a good movie, not go to work, and wake Master up from his nap.
Three careers you're considering/you've considered: Professional singer, Transcriptionist, Legal Assistant.
Three ways that you are stereotypically a boy: Bawdy sense of humor, much more comfy in jeans and a t-shirt, I belch outloud at home.
Three ways that you are stereotypically a girl: Too emotional, love to wear make up, won't go out for special occasions unless I can get dolled up.

Three people that I would like to see post this meme:
Mija, MzRiz, and Elle if she still reads me. :-)

Playing Dress Up

This past weekend Master and I were set to go to a costume/dungeon party. We didn't go. Instead we stayed home and played dress up in private.

Neither of us were sure we'd enjoy it but we went ahead and did it anyway. I took great care with my make-up, making it as perfect as I could. I have to say, doing geisha make-up isn't as simple as it may seem. It would have been simpler with a better foundation; live and learn. Once I was finished I peeked out the bedroom door and called to him, asking him to bring the camera up with him. I quickly arranged myself on the bed kneeling with palms on my thighs. I wanted it to be perfect for him. He smiled when he came into the room and snapped a couple of pictures of me for posterity.

Soon the camera was forgotten as he removed my robe and ordered me into position for a caning. I don't know where my mind was but it certainly wasn't ready for pain. The canes just hurt. He had me change position and caned me some more, then spanked me a couple of times. Noting the noise he decided that we needed a sound dampener. Downstairs he went for his leather gloves while I lay there waiting for him. Once he returned and he slipped those gloves on, he seemed to turn a bit feral. He spanked hard, pinching and squeezing my flesh between his fingers in between strikes. Tiring of spanking he switched to punching and and pounded the flesh of my back, buttocks, and thighs. I was sure I'd not be able to take it but take it I did and enjoyed it to boot.

Things turned sexual soon after that and decidedly more intense. He did something Saturday night that he's never done before and my reaction to it really flustered me. I wanted so much to please him and I tried, I honestly tried but couldn't do what he'd asked of me. He gave me an out and I took it. He wasn't disappointed in me though, as far as I could tell. He seemed pleased that I'd given it my best effort and that I did as much as I had. The entire experience left me shaking for a bit from the intensity of it all and the utter objectification I'd felt. I think I liked it, I know he did and I'm sure he'll be repeating the scenario again in the future with the expectation that I complete it. I'll be his urinal when he's finished with me.

The rest of the weekend we spent together and even managed to get the place entirely to ourselves Sunday night, a situation we promptly took advantage of. *g*