Re-visiting Insecurities

Today I'm fretting about a party Master and I have been invited to. One that will include sex and SM but it isn't sure that we'll be participating in the sex.

It may seem silly, I've been naked in public plenty of times and have even had semi-public sex a few times too. But when faced with a somewhat new situation I find myself balking at the prospect of being naked and possibly having sex in "public".

This really isn't new, in the past couple of years I've noticed myself being reticent to strip down at play parties. I wait for Master to tell me to do so. Part of it is feeling more private about the things I do with Master. But, I'm also feeling more body shy, self-conscious about my shape.

I know Master finds my body pleasing and that should be the end of it, most of the time it is. But sometimes, sometimes I worry that someone may be repulsed by my body and worse, that they might say so. I'm also afraid of being rejected even though I'm really not that interested in other partners, strange I know.

So, the prospect of this party is nerve wracking for me. I know there will be women there who are more desirable than me and I worry that I'll be passed over in favor of them. It's silly, honestly it is. But I can't seem to shake it this insecurity. I've expressed some of this to Master and I'm trying to give it over to him to worry about. It's up to him whether or not I participate in sex with others and if no one expresses interest it shouldn't be a concern for me.

I guess it's my vanity or my pride pricking at me, I'm just vain and proud enough to want to be found desirable by others.

I think I'm being too self-centered because I'm concerned that I might get some interest and won't enjoy myself, won't get turned on, by the people I'm having sex with. I'm pretty picky and like my sex rough, it's been my experience that most people don't like it as rough as I do. This is one of the areas where my individuality clashes with my slavery. If Master wants me to have sex with someone (always safer sex) then I bow to his will, I may very well not enjoy it but to be sure, he will.

I worry too that my expressing my concerns and worries might be seen as trying to top from the bottom. I don't want to influence his decisions or detract from his pleasure. Sometimes it feels like I'm balancing on a razor edge between too much expression and not sharing at all and never knowing if it's too much of one or the other. In the past I have expressed myself badly and came across as trying to assert my wants and needs ahead of his.

I want to go to the party, I want to spend time with our friends, I want to have some unfettered SM play with Master and yeah, it might be fun to watch others while Master and I have sex. Beyond that, I'm unsure. All these what ifs and worries are sucking the fun out of the anticipation.