Surgery Update

It all started Tuesday really. Went to see the doc for a follow-up US and pre-op visit. The US showed the one polyp and that the ovary was fine after all. This made things so much simpler and I was relieved. I saw the doc and asked for something to help me sleep that night because I knew I'd lie awake all night worrying if he didn't give me something.

I finally fell asleep around midnight or one a.m. and actually slept until about seven a.m. but I forced myself to lie in bed until eight when I had to get up . I was nervous as expected but I focused on my shower routine and then fiddled around online until it was time to go.

Once we got to the surgery center things got a little, hmm, sticky. They called me back to the business office to fill out paperwork and that's when I realized they didn't have the ablation on the paperwork. Much confusion ensued and at first I was worried that it wouldn't be done. They told me that they shared the ablation machine with another facility and it might not be there that day since they didn't know to have it there. When the lady left the room to go see if the machine was there I told Master that I'd be calling the whole thing off if it wasn't there. No way did I want to have two procedures. I wanted to get it all done at once. He was in agreement with me but luckily the machine was there and they altered the paperwork to show that the ablation would be done. I also made sure to speak with the doctor before surgery to verify that he was, indeed, doing the ablation. Paranoid me?

After we filled out the paperwork we went back to the waiting room, Master and I. M was late so Master suggested that I call him and I did. He was just heading out the door when I called but it was reassuring to know that he'd be on his way. I had brought a book with me to read, thinking it would help distract me. Goodness knows Dora The Explorer on the TV didn't do much for me. I tried to read but I really couldn't focus on the words so I ended up closing the book and just holding onto it like a security blanket while I leaned into Master's embrace.

M finally showed up and he sat between me and the door. They joked that he had to sit there to make sure I didn't run. I guess I looked as if I'd run if I could. Soon they started chatting together and that in itself helped soothe my nerves, let me pretend that we were just hanging out somewhere together and that I wasn't about to go into surgery.

It wasn't long though before a nurse called me back to the pre-op area. I gave Master and M a final glance and then followed the nurse. She kept me distracted with all the fun pre-op stuff, changing into that uber sexy gown, putting on the sexy cap and "booties", and being weighed. What fun. Then she led me into the pre-op waiting room that was filled with recliners partitioned by curtains hanging from the ceiling. Once I sat down she began explaining everything to me. "This blanket here will be with you all through your stay here, if you're cold we can plug it into the heater here." As she said this she pointed to a little machine on the floor near my leg that looked like a small shop vac. The nurse, I think, could tell just how nervous I was and made sure to keep talking, keep me answering questions until she brought the guys back. She asked who was with me and I told her my husband and a very close friend, she asked if I wanted both of them to come back and I nodded my head emphatically yes. I was afraid there'd be problems with asking to have M back there with us but they didn't bat an eyelash at the request.

All through the talks with the nurse antesthetist and the doc the guys sat in front of me and kept up good conversations. It was soothing, calming. I felt safe. I knew I'd be OK, they were there. I asked to have something to calm my nerves once the IV was in and soon they brought some Versed and after that, all was copacetic.

They soon hustled me to the OR and had me hop up on the teeny tiny table that looks like it's made for Barbie. The last thing I remember is someone putting a blood pressure cuff around my left arm, then I woke up from surgery. They didn't even tell me they were putting me under and I certainly didn't feel it. Imagine my relief. No sensations of drowning, no sudden panic that I'm going to sleep and not going to wake up.

When I woke up I was confused, I'd been dreaming that I was at work. I didn't know where I was and I remember the nurse asking me if I were OK and I managed to mumble "confused." That's when we had a little more "drama" the nurse sitting with me told me the procedure went well, they removed three polyps. Seems they found two more that didn't show up on US. I asked about the ablation and she didn't know what I was talking about so she went to find out. In between all this I was writhing in a bit of pain. I don't think I've hurt that much since I woke up from having my combination c-section/gall bladder removal/tubal ligation. It took three shots of pain meds, a shot of ibuprofen, and finally an oral pain med to get the pain under control. It actually controlled all of my pain for a little while, my back felt terrific-until the pain meds began wearing off that is.

In the second stage of recovery I had a different nurse and she asked who was with me, I told her Master and a very close friend and she said she'd bring my family back. It gave me a warm fuzzy feeling hearing those words. These two men, they are my family, my chosen family. I'm sure the nurse didn't have an inkling of our situation, but nonetheless her words warmed my heart. Once Master and M came back to sit with me they started chatting again and trying to comfort me the best they could. They'd gone to lunch, as I'd suggested, while I was in the OR and had a good time doing so. Master called m'Lady and let her know that I was OK and let me speak to her for a moment. I nearly cried hearing her voice. I felt complete then, cared for and protected. They were all there with me at that moment. Each one of them means so much to me in very different ways and I'm very proud to serve them.

Master, M, and I all made sure to ask the nurse to double-check to see if the ablation procedure had been done and she assured us that yes, it had been done. I'm still not entirely sure it was done and won't feel certain until I speak with my doctor. All this unknown business really annoys me.

Wednesday afternoon and evening I lounged around and napped. I was sore, my back and legs began to protest along with my achey belly. I kept the hot water bottle filled with hot water against my belly all of Wednesday and most of yesterday. It really did soothe the ache. Yesterday when I woke up I had a lot more pain and felt really glad that I'd made sure to ask for something to have on hand for it. My throat has been super sore, I think they tried to fist my throat, that's how it feels anyway. All in all, I feel much better today than I did yesterday or the day before. I'm still feeling sort of wiped out and sore but I can tell I'm improving.

Ironically, I've been feeling extremely frisky since Wednesday night. Master has definitely benefited. *g* However, it's extremely frustrating too. No penetrative sex for me at least a few weeks, possibly longer. Orgasms will be OK once my poor uterus isn't as sore. Just getting aroused last night was enough to set off a few crampy twinges. But, I can't help myself. I want him, I want to touch him, I want to pleasure him. I don't think my limitations should mean that he has to go without. I don't want that to be the case. But, still, I'm frustrated. Master says he's scared of the day I'm finally able to have penetrative sex, he says I'm going to "tear him apart". *ggg* Can I help it that, when it's working, I have an extremely strong sex drive?

He's been really solicitous of me and letting me rest as much as I need. It was sort of funny last night, he asked me to get him a drink and I'd just come in from the kitchen and gave him a look before I could stop myself. LMR was standing in the living room and said "You're going to make gimp woman get you a drink?" She was teasing but he actually rethought his request and got his own beverage so I could sit down and rest. She's the most thoughtful of the bunch.

Today I've been lazing, it's been strange not having to go to work this week. I keep feeling as if I'm doing something naughty by not being there. I decided it was time for a change to this place and thanks to the lovely miss Mija, I found the perfect new template. Go visit her site, she does some really lovely work and she's really helpful when you've got questions.

Now I've got to take LMR to the doc to see about a refill on her birth control pills. Perhaps a nap when I get home. *smiles*

Today Is The Day

Today's the day for surgery. I get to keep the ovary, it's fine and healthy and all that jazz. So we'll just be doing the clean and burn. It shouldn't take that long and I'm hopeful that things will go well.

I'm nervous, contemplating taking my stuffed animal with me but I probably won't. I'm a big girl right? Besides both of the guys are furry and they'll be there with me. They'll just have to substitute as my stuffed animals. *picturing Master's face when he reads this and giggling*

I don't know how much updating I'll be doing over the next few days as I have no idea what my recovery will be like. I may just take advantage and vegetate. *grins*

I'd appreciate any and all good thoughts, vibes, prayers, or energy. I'm a big chicken when it comes to surgery. I have to keep reminding myself to just breathe.

Responsibility

And now for something completely different!

A conversation with M and a visit to kaya's journal definitely got me thinking about a sub/slave's responsibility for his/her behavior.

Yesterday during a phone conversation M and I were joking about our roles, they've become rather loose in the past little while, when he tossed out that I top from the bottom. I laughed it off at the time. But I've been thinking about it quite a bit this morning.

Do I really top from the bottom? Or am I operating within the parameters M and Master have both set?

Granted, I do have a lot of dominant characteristics to my personality, I'll give you that. And yeah, sometimes that aspect asserts itself from time to time, mostly in the way of a smarta**ed remark. I try very hard to control that part of me, I do quite a bit of tongue biting.

I think of D/s as being quite similar to a parent/child relationship. If a child acts out and the parent doesn't discipline the child they are giving the child the message that their behavior is OK. I think this holds true for D/s relationships. My owner and those that I answer to, set the parameters for my behavior. They let me know by word and by deed what is and is not acceptable. For instance, when Master asks for a drink and I turn and ask him "What, are your legs broken?" and he gives me that withering look, I know I'm out of line and I don't repeat that behavior. But say he doesn't give me that look and instead gets up to get his own drink, what has he just taught me? He's taught me that if I'm defiant enough, he'll serve himself and that it's OK to act that way because he's not going to discipline me.

I'm with kaya on this one as well. It isn't that I want to be disciplined or punished, that's a crappy place to be in, it feels awful. But, I need to know that I matter, that I'm worthy of notice, that I'm worthy of being corrected. If he corrects me, that indicates an interest in my behavior and a desire for better behavior.

I don't think I top from the bottom, to me that is manipulative behavior and I honestly don't try to manipulate them. I'm not pushing to see how far I can go. What I'm doing is operating within the parameters set by both M and Master. If they don't tell me "Hey, I don't like that, don't do it again." How am I supposed to know that it's displeasing? Each time a behavior that is displeasing goes without comment, it is being reinforced that that behavior is OK.

I sought out power exchange relationships because I need to submit, I need to be held accountable. Tell me to behave in this way and I will strive to do so but please, hold me accountable if I don't. Say something, anything. Just let me know you're watching, that it matters. Otherwise, what are we doing here?

Butterflies

I'm a little less than a week away from the day of the surgery and each morning I wake up with butterflies in my stomach. I have to take a deep breath and push the nerves away. "Not today" I tell myself, "No need to be nervous just yet". The butterflies settle down but they're still there, occasionally twitching a wing or two.

At least I'm not feeling as emotionally overwrought as I was. Seems my little meltdown last weekend was a good thing, it let off some of the emotional pressure.

There are just so many unknowns right now and I really, really, really dislike the unknown. You can't control or plan for things you don't know will or won't happen. Ugh, control has always been such a huge part of who I am and it's hard to just let go and let things happen. I wasn't born a control freak, I was made into one through an early life of chaos. It's not so easy to just put that aside once you've moved out of that kind of life, it becomes part of how you relate to others and life in general.

I don't know if I've actually said what I'm having done so I'll do so now. In the scheme of things it's not really a biggie, my sister's spinal fusion surgery last year was a way bigger deal. This will be outpatient and I should have a fairly short recovery. Although, as has been pointed out on the EA board, my uterus will be recovering from a third degree burn so who knows how long that really takes to heal. Most of the ladies on the EA board have reported feeling almost normal within a few weeks.

I'm going to have a hysteroscopy (so the doc isn't going in blind), a D&C, a polyp removal, endometrial ablation, and possible removal of an ovary.

Contrary to the propaganda out there, EA's are not quick fixes. It can take up to a year to know the final results of the procedure. That's one of the unknowns that are plaguing me right now. I've also got a lot of questions about the ovary. If I have to have it removed (we'll know the day before surgery for sure) what will life be like without it? Will my other ovary be OK without its twin? And the million dollar question, what is wrong with the ovary?? There are so many things the solid mass the doc saw could be and some of them, not good. Hopefully we won't need these answers because the "mass" just went away. But if we do need them, they will be answered in time but I really want the answers now. Impatient, remember? *wry grins*

I'm thankful that I'll have company the day of surgery, Master and M will both be there. I'd be a train wreck without them. They've been really great. Master especially, he's born the brunt of my out of control emotions and quick anger. It's so much easier to be angry, it feels safer, warmer, not out of control and cold like fear feels. I am trying though, to keep my temper under control and to just breathe through it all. Things this week have been a lot better.

Master's and my 19th anniversary is today. 19 years ago today two teenagers who had no idea what life had in store for them, pleged their lives to each other. I've tried and I just can't picture what my life would have been like without him. It seems to me that it'd be dull, less colorful, without him around. He's been my whole world for more than half my life, we grew into adulthood together, we've shared high highs and low lows and everything in between. He's my best friend, my worthy adversary, and my owner. I'm looking forward to the next 19 years and more with him. I told my coworkers last night that it just doesn't feel like it's been that long. But at the same time, it feels like we've been together all my life. It's a good feeling, a good fit, even if we do butt heads from time to time. I think it keeps us sharp. *grins*

He surprised me the night before last, he's gotten SO good at surprises lately. He had a dozen roses sitting on my bedside table, just waiting for me to go upstairs and find them. Usually I have to run upstairs to use the restroom as soon as I walk in the door from work. I have the bladder of a gnat, I swear. That night though, I didn't. So it wasn't until bedtime that I found them. It took me a moment after walking into the bedroom to register that there was something out of the ordinary and a moment after that to realize he'd gotten me roses. As soon as the realization hit me I stopped in place, gasped, and squealed (squealing is way out of character for me) "You got me roses!" I've been smiling ever since. Every time I have to go into the bedroom I see them and smile. Waking up these past two mornings has been happy. I'm not a morning person but seeing those roses sitting there just makes me smile.

I have to chuckle at him, he's always claimed "I'm just not a romantic guy." Pfffttt! How much more romantic can you get than surprising your woman with a dozen roses? I ask you.

Happy Anniversary Master, I love you.

So far away from me

I'd like to write about the things I've been feeling lately but there's a distance between them and myself just now.

For the past little while I've been angry, a lot. Quick to temper over the littlest things. It all feels out of my range of control. I can keep the torrent of tears under lock and key most of the time but the anger, it seems to be taking the place of the unshed tears. Why don't I just let the tears fall as they may? Because I'm afraid if they start they'll never stop. I still have to be able to function, I still have to be "on". I have to have enough of the emotional walls up so that one cross word won't make me cry. I'm hyper emotional and have been since I began to allow myself to feel. I've gone from one extreme to another and it's worse when I'm under a lot of stress.

Friday on the way to work I was thinking about some what if's and ways to plan for them. I was planning my funeral for Master, thinking of the things that I'd like to have that he'd be at a loss to decide if it came to that. Morbid I know, but these are things we don't talk about and they're things I think of when I'm facing surgery. *shrug* These thoughts brought on some tears and I had to work hard to get them under control. I couldn't go into work with red, puffy eyes from crying. Got to work, walked into the building and on the way to the restroom the tears started again. I was panicked. I was worried that I wouldn't be able to control the tears, worried that a bad call would set them off and they'd never stop. By some heroic effort I managed to get them under control and no one around me was the wiser. It's important to me to appear "normal" emotionally, even when I'm not. I don't know why that is, it just... is.

Saturday saw me pop a gasket over another little something, a little nothing. Master had told me that he'd take me somewhere Saturday night. I was bored, had been bored, and was looking forward to going out. Truth be told, I've run out of things to focus on, things to keep me busy and keep me from worrying about the surgery. The way I worry about it you'd think it was major surgery. Anyway, Master was tired and worn out from the previous night's revelry that he'd had and wasn't up to, nor feeling sociable enough for, going out.

Sooooo, being true to form I got angry. Angry out of proportion to the situation. And that's when it happened. I started crying and I couldn't stop. He wanted to comfort me, I didn't want it. I knew that if I allowed him to comfort me I'd keep on crying and wouldn't be able to shore up the dams. Somehow though, I managed to regain my composure while still accepting a little of the comfort he offered. Somehow we managed to salvage the day and not let my meltdown ruin the day. I actually felt better afterwards.

Still, I'd like to write about the things I've been feeling lately but I'm just not *feeling* them at the moment. I know that might not make sense and I'm not sure how to explain it. I've got a buffer between myself and my emotions, the ones that cause the tears anyway.

I can name them though, scared, frustrated, stressed, panicked, cornered, confused, impatient.

I hate the idea that there's enough wrong that I have to have surgery to fix it but I want to get it done and over with now, not tomorrow, not next week. I'm not very good at waiting, patiently or otherwise. There's a problem fix it and be done with it. I don't like not knowing exactly what is wrong. The last time I saw the doc he said I had a "solid mass" in my right ovary. There are SO many things that could be. He speculated about a couple of fairly benign issues and, as Master and I discussed last night, he can't be that concerned about it as he didn't order immediate blood work or push up the date of the surgery. He wanted to wait and see. Only, I hate waiting and seeing.

I don't want to be incapacitated after surgery, I don't want to have to wait and recover while my body heals, I don't want to deal with more hormone imbalances, I don't want to spend the next several months waiting and seeing what the final result will be. I want it all done now! I don't want yet another thing that will kill my libido. The poor thing is gasping its last breath as it is.

It's all the unknowns that are bothering me, all this enforced waiting and seeing. I'm just plain old scared. Scared that I'll die on the table (with no good reason), scared that the procedure won't work, scared that it will make things worse, scared that I'll end up having to have more invasive surgery six months down the road, just plain scared. It's so much easier to be mad than to be scared, than to admit that I'm afraid. I'd love to not think about any of this stuff until it happens. I'd love to be able to believe, wholeheartedly, that everything will be alright and that things will go well. But I just can't. I plan for the what ifs. I always have. When I leave the house I bring all the medications I think I might need, I bring all the personal items I think I might need, I have my cell phone, my keys, I'm dressed in layers just in case I might get too warm, and I have cleansing wipes in my purse just in case I spill something on my clothes.

But how do you plan for the what ifs of something you have absolutely no control over? The short answer is, you don't. So what do I do? I plan the things I can exercise some control over, I've worked far ahead in my classes so that I can afford to take a little time to recuperate and not stress about school, I've been planning my post-procedure work wardrobe complete with shoes that I can just slip on so I don't have to bend over, I've been planning a "who to call" list for Master so he can inform certain people about how the surgery went, I've planned to leave him detailed instructions for notifying my instructors and uploading certain homework in the event that I'm hospitalized, and yes, planning my funeral too. But no, I'm not planning on dying, I've got too much to live for and too much yet to do.

I know I'm certifiable. But it makes me feel better to have things to plan, to have things that I can control so I don't focus on the things I can't. Master's probably shaking his head after reading this. He accepts that I'm nuts, thank goodness, and loves me anyway. But sometimes, sometimes just shakes his head at me and smiles that little smile, the one that says "Some days your craziness surprises even me."

When Master's Unhappy

Lately Master has seemed very unhappy and I'm partly the cause. He's getting burned out from doing his job and, what was once, my job too. In the past, before I worked in the evening, I'd run the kids wherever they needed to go. I'd cook dinners, do dishes, etc. His only responsibility when he got home was to help out with dinner if he chose to and to help HRS with her homework.

I'm sure he misses being served every evening as much as I miss doing it for him. It seems like with me working evenings we've drifted pretty far apart from our roles as Master and slave. Our two-year collaring anniversary was yesterday, we celebrated by having a bit of a row. Nice huh?

I feel like I've asked too much of him but I'm SO close to finishing, just hang in there with me through winter, that's all. We've gone this far it would be a shame, a crime really, to not see it through to the end. Then I can at least work during the day, if not at home. I wish he could see the "prize" the way I do, it's there, tangible for me. If it weren't for the certain knowledge that I'm almost there, I'd be closer to being burned out myself. I have days where I lack the energy to do much of anything and where I'm grumpy as all heck, but I try to keep those days to a minimum. But I think it's easier for me because I'm the one that chose this, it's my schooling. He's sort of helpless and just along for the ride. Granted, he could have told me to give up school for now, it's within his realm of authority, but he wouldn't have done that for a variety of reasons foremost being that he loves me and wants to see me happy.

I just feel so helpless and so at fault for his current state of misery. I want to fix it and I can't do so in the immediate future.

I just hope the little things I can do are enough. I worry that he'll fold under the stress, gods know I've been there and I know how he feels. I just hope that he can find a little hope and a little faith to see him through this with me.

Spank Me

Have you ever woken up and thought to yourself "Gee, a spanking sounds really good today"? I do, and often. Mostly because Master and I haven't really had the time, energy, or opportunity for SM play in quite some time. Also because I really enjoy spankings, or at least I tell myself I do.

I have something of a love/hate relationship with them. I love them until it gets so hard that I can't hold still any longer. I love the feel of his hands on my bottom, I love the soft strokes in between the hard ones that make me shiver with sensation. I love being pushed to the ends of my tolerance and beyond. Although, my tolerance isn't what it once was. I was able to tolerate a lot more way back when, before ye olde health went downhill.

I remember when I first started experiencing the back pain, I was worried that I'd lose my love of SM play. In some ways that love has diminished a little because it is something of an endurance trial when we do SM play. I want to enjoy the good pain but it doesn't take long before the bad pain sneaks in and then my mind is torn between coping with the good and the bad pains and trying to ignore one so as to enjoy the other. Some positions are worse than others, of course. And wouldn't you know it, the one we prefer is one that brings on the bad pain? So, sessions (when we get the opportunity) are necessarily shortened so as to minimize the recovery time afterwards. No worries, we're not further damaging my back nor exacerbating my condition. It's much like overdoing things, if you do more than your body is capable of it aches and gripes a bit afterwards. Mine just aches and gripes for a day or two(or more), depending on how badly I've overdone it. Simple housework can do this to me as well. I hurt for a good week after mopping two bathroom floors and vacuuming part of the house. It's just a fact of life for me, for us, now.

So, anyway, I miss SM play and I crave a good spanking. I think I'm wanting a bit of catharsis as well. The stress gets to me and I keep sucking it all inside and stuffing it into the dark corners but it's starting to leak out, I'm having more headaches and I'm moodier than usual. *blech!*

I guess I could go for a good caning too, one that starts out soft and ever so slowly builds up in intensity. One might think that any old SM play would do but not so. I don't want that out of control feeling, I want a more sensual experience, one that I can relax into and just let go.