Butterflies

I'm a little less than a week away from the day of the surgery and each morning I wake up with butterflies in my stomach. I have to take a deep breath and push the nerves away. "Not today" I tell myself, "No need to be nervous just yet". The butterflies settle down but they're still there, occasionally twitching a wing or two.

At least I'm not feeling as emotionally overwrought as I was. Seems my little meltdown last weekend was a good thing, it let off some of the emotional pressure.

There are just so many unknowns right now and I really, really, really dislike the unknown. You can't control or plan for things you don't know will or won't happen. Ugh, control has always been such a huge part of who I am and it's hard to just let go and let things happen. I wasn't born a control freak, I was made into one through an early life of chaos. It's not so easy to just put that aside once you've moved out of that kind of life, it becomes part of how you relate to others and life in general.

I don't know if I've actually said what I'm having done so I'll do so now. In the scheme of things it's not really a biggie, my sister's spinal fusion surgery last year was a way bigger deal. This will be outpatient and I should have a fairly short recovery. Although, as has been pointed out on the EA board, my uterus will be recovering from a third degree burn so who knows how long that really takes to heal. Most of the ladies on the EA board have reported feeling almost normal within a few weeks.

I'm going to have a hysteroscopy (so the doc isn't going in blind), a D&C, a polyp removal, endometrial ablation, and possible removal of an ovary.

Contrary to the propaganda out there, EA's are not quick fixes. It can take up to a year to know the final results of the procedure. That's one of the unknowns that are plaguing me right now. I've also got a lot of questions about the ovary. If I have to have it removed (we'll know the day before surgery for sure) what will life be like without it? Will my other ovary be OK without its twin? And the million dollar question, what is wrong with the ovary?? There are so many things the solid mass the doc saw could be and some of them, not good. Hopefully we won't need these answers because the "mass" just went away. But if we do need them, they will be answered in time but I really want the answers now. Impatient, remember? *wry grins*

I'm thankful that I'll have company the day of surgery, Master and M will both be there. I'd be a train wreck without them. They've been really great. Master especially, he's born the brunt of my out of control emotions and quick anger. It's so much easier to be angry, it feels safer, warmer, not out of control and cold like fear feels. I am trying though, to keep my temper under control and to just breathe through it all. Things this week have been a lot better.

Master's and my 19th anniversary is today. 19 years ago today two teenagers who had no idea what life had in store for them, pleged their lives to each other. I've tried and I just can't picture what my life would have been like without him. It seems to me that it'd be dull, less colorful, without him around. He's been my whole world for more than half my life, we grew into adulthood together, we've shared high highs and low lows and everything in between. He's my best friend, my worthy adversary, and my owner. I'm looking forward to the next 19 years and more with him. I told my coworkers last night that it just doesn't feel like it's been that long. But at the same time, it feels like we've been together all my life. It's a good feeling, a good fit, even if we do butt heads from time to time. I think it keeps us sharp. *grins*

He surprised me the night before last, he's gotten SO good at surprises lately. He had a dozen roses sitting on my bedside table, just waiting for me to go upstairs and find them. Usually I have to run upstairs to use the restroom as soon as I walk in the door from work. I have the bladder of a gnat, I swear. That night though, I didn't. So it wasn't until bedtime that I found them. It took me a moment after walking into the bedroom to register that there was something out of the ordinary and a moment after that to realize he'd gotten me roses. As soon as the realization hit me I stopped in place, gasped, and squealed (squealing is way out of character for me) "You got me roses!" I've been smiling ever since. Every time I have to go into the bedroom I see them and smile. Waking up these past two mornings has been happy. I'm not a morning person but seeing those roses sitting there just makes me smile.

I have to chuckle at him, he's always claimed "I'm just not a romantic guy." Pfffttt! How much more romantic can you get than surprising your woman with a dozen roses? I ask you.

Happy Anniversary Master, I love you.