Responsibility

And now for something completely different!

A conversation with M and a visit to kaya's journal definitely got me thinking about a sub/slave's responsibility for his/her behavior.

Yesterday during a phone conversation M and I were joking about our roles, they've become rather loose in the past little while, when he tossed out that I top from the bottom. I laughed it off at the time. But I've been thinking about it quite a bit this morning.

Do I really top from the bottom? Or am I operating within the parameters M and Master have both set?

Granted, I do have a lot of dominant characteristics to my personality, I'll give you that. And yeah, sometimes that aspect asserts itself from time to time, mostly in the way of a smarta**ed remark. I try very hard to control that part of me, I do quite a bit of tongue biting.

I think of D/s as being quite similar to a parent/child relationship. If a child acts out and the parent doesn't discipline the child they are giving the child the message that their behavior is OK. I think this holds true for D/s relationships. My owner and those that I answer to, set the parameters for my behavior. They let me know by word and by deed what is and is not acceptable. For instance, when Master asks for a drink and I turn and ask him "What, are your legs broken?" and he gives me that withering look, I know I'm out of line and I don't repeat that behavior. But say he doesn't give me that look and instead gets up to get his own drink, what has he just taught me? He's taught me that if I'm defiant enough, he'll serve himself and that it's OK to act that way because he's not going to discipline me.

I'm with kaya on this one as well. It isn't that I want to be disciplined or punished, that's a crappy place to be in, it feels awful. But, I need to know that I matter, that I'm worthy of notice, that I'm worthy of being corrected. If he corrects me, that indicates an interest in my behavior and a desire for better behavior.

I don't think I top from the bottom, to me that is manipulative behavior and I honestly don't try to manipulate them. I'm not pushing to see how far I can go. What I'm doing is operating within the parameters set by both M and Master. If they don't tell me "Hey, I don't like that, don't do it again." How am I supposed to know that it's displeasing? Each time a behavior that is displeasing goes without comment, it is being reinforced that that behavior is OK.

I sought out power exchange relationships because I need to submit, I need to be held accountable. Tell me to behave in this way and I will strive to do so but please, hold me accountable if I don't. Say something, anything. Just let me know you're watching, that it matters. Otherwise, what are we doing here?