Blah!

I feel like this blog is turning into a place to whine and I don't want to do that. I just don't know what do do with all this frustration. Pain is taking over my life, it has infiltrated every part of my life, every waking moment.

I finally bit the bullet and did what the Boss suggested I should do, I called my pain doc to request some sort of change in my pain meds because I'm not getting adequate relief. Just as I'd feared, the doc is refusing to make any changes to my meds and is insisting that I make an appointment to discuss a discogram so I can be evaluated for a fusion. I don't even know when I can get time off to make an appointment much less the time for a discogram. The earliest I could even consider surgery would be December because of my job. I have to work here a year before I'm eligible for any sort of disability payments.

I'm starting to feel disabled. I have to plan every little bit of my life to be sure I've got enough energy to do any activity and I have to be sure the activity won't leave me hurting the next day too. It's frustrating as all get out. This story is the one I mentioned a while back and it really does describe pretty accurately what it's like to live with a chronic condition, only I very rarely have a spoon in reserve.

Maybe my out of control anger is linked to all of this. I can't rage about my losses and I'm helpless to do anything to fix the situation at this point. I'm so stuck on everything I can't do that I'm having trouble being thankful for the things I still can do. I want to be able to serve my owner the way I did before the end of last August. I want to be able to have sex as enthusiastically and in whichever position we choose without having to worry about how it's going to affect my pain levels the next day. I want to be able to engage in heavy SM again, complete with take down/resistance play. I'm really angry and upset about the loss of that. I HATE being disabled and I'm SCARED that it will only get worse and eventually I'll be crippled by it.

I had someone suggest today that I need to mourn what I'm losing/have lost but I don't know how to do that because I'm still looking for loopholes and I still have a tiny bit of hope that I can be "fixed".

Still, I've been flirting with the idea of using a cane for the bad days and trying to get used to the idea that I may need to get one. I've been considering talking to my doctor about putting "permanent" in my file so I can get a handicap parking sign for my car too but I'm afraid he'll refuse that too. He has always seemed so certain that either this would heal or it could be fixed somehow so I bought into that idea too. When do you finally give up and say "This is the best it's ever going to be, it's time to deal with it."?

The Boss is encouraging and supportive and I appreciate that. I'm thankful that he doesn't treat me with kid gloves and lets me serve unless I'm in obvious distress. He's trying to trust that I'll let him know when I'm at my limit. I'm still pushing myself until I've gone just a hair beyond my limit, I can't help doing it I'm kind of stubborn that way. I've had a pretty bad example of someone giving up in a similar situation. My mother has pretty much made herself bedridden because of chronic pain and depression. There is so much she could still do but doesn't, instead she sleeps her life away. I don't want to do that, I want to live my life to the fullest, not waste it like she's done. Maybe the thing that scares me the most isn't being crippled by my condition but instead it's the thought of becoming her that does it.