The World Didn't Stop!

I was amazed, the World didn't stop revolving, I didn't explode into flame and the kids didn't even act as if it were unusual.

I've begun serving Master his food and beverages while kneeling within the past few days. Yesterday all the kids were here and it was dinner time. I looked at Master for direction, he nodded and I knelt to give him his food and beverage. I waiting for outcries and protests but they carried on their conversations as if nothing was out of the ordinary. I was relieved beyond belief and continued to serve him that way throughout the night.

Understand our kids are grown and nearly grown. We aren't exposing little ones to overt M/s or BDSM. I'm only kneeling to serve my Owner as a way of honoring him. It is profound for he and I, to them it's just their parents being quirky as usual.

I don't mind being quirky. We're already odder than their friends' parents, we're still married. Their friends' parents have almost all been divorced and remarried at least once. So one more quirk added to our list. I can handle that. :-)

Depression and submission

I wonder sometimes if my depression, my mental illness, has an affect on my submission. Does the quality of my submission go down as the symptoms of my depression increase? I note that I crave to submit more deeply when I feel lost in the depression. It seems to be my lifeline out, the only thing I can see that will "save" me. Is that wrong? I don't know.

I strive to submit as fully as I can because I see no other way of life for myself. Yet when the symptoms of depression are on me I am irascible, easily annoyed by simple requests, and subject to fits of anger and insensibility. Very non-submissive qualities, not qualities a slave should exhibit, yet I do occasionally and I cannot seem to exercise control over them.

So I throw myself into "submissive" activities. Pursuits that will improve me as a slave and will hopefully help me find my way back to myself. I'm almost manic in these pursuits and easily frustrated when I meet with resistance. Yet I continue in my attempts and sometimes succeed.

I feel I owe it to my Owner and my Sir to be a good slave and submissive. I owe it to myself to find my happiness and wholeness.

Bone Weary

I sit here bone weary, barely able to keep my eyes open, I've had a busier day today than any other day in the last month. I saw Sir and we spent much good time together, he used me well and has left me marked and bruised. Lots of happy about that, it's been too long since I've felt an ache from being used so well. Once home I enticed Master into a before work quickie that was delicious. I don't know how the man does it but he hits the right spot with every thrust threatening to rip screams and growls from my throat when I must be quiet.

Oh but that wasn't enough for me, oh no. I decided I needed to work out. Really that's not up for debate I have to work out and strengthen my body and build muscle. So 20 minutes of upper body and core work on the balance ball followed by about 20 minutes of instructional Tae Bo. Holy COW am I exhausted and I just know I'm going to wake up aching tomorrow.

All of this is quick on the heels of sheer idiocy on my part. I got selfish and focused on my needs and how they're going unmet because Master is working 7 days a week and Sir's schedule is something else. Boo-hoo, poor me. I went mental and returned Sir's collar to him. I don't know what I'd hoped to accomplish but what I did do was hurt him deeply, show him the worst disrespect, and put our relationship on very shaky ground. I'm a moron sometimes. I wish I had some sort of alarm that would go off when I'm starting a 'bout of "lost my mind" so I can stop before I start.

Today was a blessing, having a few hours with Sir, being his to do with as he wished and attempting to serve with as much grace and humility as I was able. I'll never make up for the hurt I've caused but I hope I can at least soothe it a little and earn back his collar if he deems me worthy.

Okay, up to my room to practice some "slave positions" and then to bed with me and my heating pad.

New Beginnings

For the last few months I’ve been battling ulcer-like pain and it has been horrible.  The medications are barely helping with the pain.  The ulcer is tiny but the doc doesn’t think it’s the problem.  She feels its the fact that my pouch (bariatric surgery term for the new tummy after gastric bypass surgery)  is 2x too long.

This translates into me producing too much gastric juice, hence the pain.  Also a reason behind my not losing weight as I should have.  So, within the next month I should know whether or not I’m having a revision to shorten my pouch.  I’ll have better information Tuesday after my follow-up appointment with my surgeon.

I’m just thankful that an end to my pain and illness is in sight, and that my weight loss should start again!

I’m not looking forward to basically going through the entire gastric bypass surgery again and a recovery, not from laparoscopic surgery this time but from an open surgery.  It’s going to hurt much, but again, should be worth it to fix this problem and hopefully prevent future problems with ulcers.

At this point Master is worried about me, my health, and our finances while I’m off recovering.  HRS may be concerned about me but she’s masking it with concern that there won’t be enough cash flow for the new school year.  *sigh*

I can’t please everyone, all I can do is take care of myself.  I can’t do anything with or for anyone when I’m in pain so debilitating I’m writhing around and whining.

So that’s where I’m at today, trying to take care of me so I can take care of them.

Up and Down

I don't know what else to call it.  I'm not quite depressed but I'm not quite not depressed either.  Life is work and sleep with very little play.  Maybe I am depressed because I am sleeping so much and I've got little interest in things that used to interest me.  I don't know.

 

I'm extremely frustrated and not handling the stress of my new job very well.  I wish I could be one of those nice people who doesn't have the dominant urge to put her foot down.  It would make my life here at work SO much easier.  It's not easy going from a job where I had to be that person to a job where I'm not allowed to be that person.  I'm not transitioning well.  At least I don't feel that I am.

 

I can't seem to set a routine for myself.  I sleep between 8 and 12 hours every day.  I don't want to get out of bed until I have to.  There's nothing that I want to do and I feel exhausted and sleepy all the time.  I can see now that even though I'm not a morning person (read would gladly beat the alarm into submission if it didn't mean I'd have to get a new one) first shift was actually healthier for me to work.  I actually was motivated to exercise and do household chores, etc.

 

It's too late now though, I'm not going to try job hopping, I've been here a bit over a month.  I will bide my time and try to work it out in the meantime.

How Are You?

Why do strangers ask "How are you?" when you know they really don't care?  And why do they get to put me into a posistion of having to lie?  It's socially unacceptable to tell the truth.  "I'm feeling like crap today, my legs ache, my feet hurt, my back hurts, and I'm feeling depressed so I might binge on junk food later."

 

I sometimes play with the idea of telling the truth, maybe it would make that person think twice about asking after my well-being, or anyone else's, again.

 

Yes, I'm mean.  I think it's stupid to make small talk and idle pleasantries when you don't really give a rodent's rectum about how the other person is.

 

I don't waste time asking after the well-being of people I don't know and I  still manage to be pleasant, sociable, and polite.

 

Miss Manners would have apoplexy if she met me.  Poor dear.

Muchness

I've lost my muchness at work.  (see Alice in Wonderland for that reference)  I'm not as good at my job as I was pre-gastric bypass.  Is it burnout or is it the mental illness?  Is it the medications I'm on, or are my chemicals all screwy?

 

It doesn't matter really what the reason is, my muchness is gone and I can't seem to find it.

 

I've been job hunting and am in the process (jumping through hoops) of getting a new job where, hopefully, I'll find my muchness again.  The job will be in admissions in a hospital setting.  I think it will be interesting.  At the very least I'll finally get to put my medical education to use so I will finally feel like I spent all that money for a good reason.  I should probably know by this time next week if I made it through the hoops.

 

In other news... Master and I just celebrated our two big anniversaries, our 5th collaring anniversary and our 23rd year together anniversary.  I can't believe we've been together as long as we have.  Sometimes it doesn't seem like it's been that long and sometimes it's not nearly long enough.  Sometimes I have to agree with Little Miss Raincloud (haven't heard about her in a while huh?!) that men should visit the pit of death.  All but Johnny Depp, Gerard Butler, The hot new guy playing James bond, Jason Statham, Vin Diesel, and a few other exceptions like Master (on good days). ;-)

 

In other, other news... Master and I will be doing our very first presentation on rough body play for our local group.  I've got the presentation written up, now all we have to do is get up there and show and tell.  Sounds simple doesn't it?  It should be.  But there's something about being in front of a group of people that's scary.  I can talk my head off in a roundtable discussion setting but get me standing in front of a group of people and I stammer and the nerves attack.  Gotta work on it.  This will be good practice.  I'm actually looking forward to it.  I think it's going to be a good discussion and will hopefully help allay some concerns others have had regarding rough body play.  Especially since Master is doing a station in the Speed Kink "gauntlet" that we're having at the next play party.

 

He's got a very standoffish demeanor unless you know him.  Combine that with the way he plays with me and one other and I guess it makes for "big scary dominant".  I wish people could see him the way I do.  He's not scary, he's human.  Yes he has some scary bits inside, we all do, but those only come out for certain people (Yay me!!!!).  There is one special gal that he'd sooner wrap in bubble wrap than hurt.  He has tender feelings and his play style depends on the person and what they bring out or what they negotiate.

 

Sorry Master, didn't mean to soften your "rep". ;-)