No eyes no ears, utter bliss

Have you ever heard it said that if you lose one sense the others become stronger to make up for the loss?
Well, i'm not sure it's quite like that but the other senses do become more acute.
Mark and i tried some sensory deprivation yesterday and it was such a breakthrough in many ways for me. Ever since i can remember i've been panicked beyond reason about not being able to see what's coming at me.
When i'm in the shower shampooing my hair or washing my face i won't allow Alan to come in or at the very least, he can't open the curtain or touch me until i can see. i'm too vulnerable when i can't see and being vulnerable in the past wasn't a good thing.
Yesterday i willingly made myself vulnerable and gave control of my body to Mark. i didn't freak out once, didn't even feel a twinge of panic. He took excellent care of me. What amazed me was that even though i couldn't see Him i could sense His proximity to me. He didn't say one word after He put the headphones on me. It was a silent dance of pleasure and pain between Dom and sub. With touches of His hands i knew what He wanted me to do, where He wanted me to move.
i'm eager to do some blindfold training to become even more comfortable with it and i think my Lady would like to do that with me. With her help i think i will overcome this irrational fear of being vulnerable that i have.
i guess in some ways being blindfolded is similar to a trust game i've seen played where one person will have to allow themselves to fall backwards trusting one or more others to catch them. i've never played this game, in the past there's no way i could trust that much. Now, maybe if i knew the people well enough. What's changed? me. i've laid a lot of demons to rest in the past year that had continued to haunt me. This is not to say that i don't occasionally experience a trigger here and there. But i'm in control and the triggers have gotten a whole lot weaker and some have disappeared altogether.
Life is good even when it's stressful.

Play party weekend

This weekend Alan and i went to a play party together. It was his first time meeting the group and playing in front of anyone else. We both had a great time. Mistress J helped him beat and torture me. It was great fun and i think they worked very well together. We played for a very long time which was awesome.

Alan and i were fairly inseperable the rest of the night, he sat on the couch and i sat curled on the floor in front of him, snuggling against his leg. That was our aftercare and it was perfect for me. i didn't have any sub drop. Alan, i think, did have some Dom drop but he did get to a really intense head space that he's never been in before so it's not surprising. i went to bed with him last night and cuddled with him because he said he needed it. i was more than happy to do that for him. i do like to take care of my men.

It was interesting at the play party when we were introducing ourselves. For the first time i said outloud that i belong to Alan and to Mark. i do belong to them both, it still blows my mind sometimes. i have two wonderful men and they both love me.

Moods and my mouth

i don't know what it is but when i get into a mood i can't behave. i say some really mean things and have a really bad attitude.
i can feel it coming and just can't seem to control my mouth when it hits. This gets me into a lot of trouble and rightly so as i act very disrespectful at these times. Yesterday on the phone with Alan one of those moods hit me full force. i started bitching at him because he went to a friend's house after work instead of coming home right after. He stopped me cold with a warning. i couldn't apologize though, i was still in the middle of the mood so i told him "maybe it'd be better if i just hush now." that was my way of saying that i couldn't say anything nice so i'd better not say anything at all. He understood and let me off the phone but didn't let me off the hook. When he came home he called me into the bedroom. Once there he told me he felt like he needed to correct me, give me an attitude adjustment. He pointed out that my mood may have left but his displeasure with me hadn't. He had me undress and then spanked me with his leather belt. It hurt, it was the first time i'd been hit with a leather belt as an adult. He cuddled me then after lecturing me about my behavior. i ended up crying and apologizing but felt better afterwards.
Still, i don't know how to control these moods or at the very least, control my mouth when i'm in these moods. This is when i brat the most. i've done it to Mark too and it's just not right that i do it to either of them. It's something i'd really like to work on and change.

Jealousy

i just need to vent a little... i'm frustrated.
Sir wants me to work on my jealousy, i want me to work on my jealousy too. But, i'm having a hard time getting over it. i don't know how to not feel it.
i feel like He's pushing me and like He's impatient because i'm not getting over it to suit His time frame. This makes me want to bite and dig my heels in. i'll deal with it in my own time.
i feel like i'm failing Him because i can't not feel jealous. i know it disappoints him and this just kills me. What will He do if i can't get over my jealousy? Will He stop wanting to play with me or stop asking me to join Him and others?
It makes me so angry that i can't get over it. Help me someone please!
i'm afraid that in order to please Him, i'll go ahead and play with Him and others anyway and deal with the feelings somehow. It seems like the only option right now.

Oy!

Well, i've had a most interesting day with Alan.i was having some questions about his interest in BDSM and Dominating me in particular.i needed to know if he was serious or if it was just kinky sex for him. He says he's pretty serious. We tried something new tonight, he pissed on me, even on my face. It was powerfully erotic and humiliating at the same time. Of course i showered right afterwards and brushed my teeth. {g}
i feel like i failed Mark somehow this week. He asked me to take care of the cat while they were gone. All was fine until Friday, i showed up and Kelly's truck was gone. i didn't know what to do. i did notice that it looked like someone else had been in their house and that there was a green car parked in front of their house so i was hoping that it was planned. i left them a note about it because i didn't know what else to do. i couldn't call the police to report it stolen, i had absolutely no information to give them other than, "It's a blue Ford Ranger extended cab." That wouldn't be much help. i hope it was a planned thing that He just forgot to tell me about. i really hope that with all my heart.
It's going to take me a little while to adjust to this new dynamic with Alan. Part of me is a little worried that he might decide that he should be my one and only Master. But, i think i know him well enough to know he won't do that. He considers Mark a part of our relationship. We were talking about me needing to ask permission before i have sex with someone else and i asked if i needed to have permission with Mark too and Alan just shook his head and told me no. He said it felt normal for Mark and i to be together. He is even okay with Mark having a key to our apartment.
Alan still wants to bring Jaedyn into our play. i'm a little nervous about it but not nearly so much as before. i'm still very skittish about bringing her in with Mark but i know i'll have to let go and trust sooner or later.
i'm hoping that tomorrow Alan will wax me, i'd like it to be smooth again and i know he and Mark would both enjoy it that way. Well, i think i'm finally tired enough to go to sleep, yay!

Lonely subbie

i miss my Sir. i miss the feel of His lips on mine.
i miss His style of play. He's a little more sensual and gentle than Alan and is full of praise when i've done well. i need that. i need brutality to be tempered with gentleness.Alan can be savage and i love it... but there are times when i need tenderness and it's difficult for him to overcome his own need to be savage at times.
It's been very interesting watching Alan grow and enjoy experimenting with his own dominance. Sometimes i fight it a little... fight against the dominance he wants to assert over me. But i know i'd be jealous if he wanted to dominate someone else. i'm such a dork sometimes.
i'm still trying to overcome my jealousy issues. It's difficult but not impossible.
i was surprised by my physical response to Mistress J on Saturday. We hugged and i kissed her cheek a few times, wanting to kiss her lips. i don't have that sort of a response to too many women. Something new to think about.
i wish Sir was home now. i hope He and i will be able to play soon after He gets back because i think this coming weekend, Alan will be waxing my cunt. i think Master would enjoy the surprise. i'd also like to show Him the new toy Alan made for us. :-)

Single tails and me

Oy! It's been a while since i've updated huh?Well, last Saturday i went to a munch and then was invited to go to Ms. R's house to visit with folks there.
It turned into an impromptu play party of sorts. i watched a subbie girl take one hell of a caning and paddling. It was so neat to watch, she barely uttered more than a soft moan through the whole thing. i was impressed. Whenever i've been caned i end up yelling and crying.
i then got to watch a man named L flog a subbie girl. He's really good with floggers. Ms. R asked me if there was anything i'd like to try or do. i said i'd like to have my back flogged or caned or both. lol She was too tired to do a flogging but indicated that L probably had hours of play left in him. So, she told L that i would like to play. He had me walk over to the spanking bench {i forgot to mention that Ms. R has a really nifty dungeon set up in her basement} and i stripped from the waist up. Strange how easily i seem to do that. i then knelt up on the bench and L introduced a pair of elkhide floggers to me... ooooh they were butter soft and felt awesome on the skin. He started out slowly, and worked his way up in intensity. He'd stop every now and then to rub my back and ask me how i was. We then moved on to a braided cat, i'm in love with that cat btw, and it was awesome. It was so thuddy and we all know how much i love thud. lolAfter he was finished with the cat he asked me if i'd like to try the single tail. i murmered an emphatic MmmHmmmM!Single tails are awesome! It made my skin feel hot and tingly and he always stopped to rest before it got too intense. It was a great experience and i'm dying for more!
Next weekend i'll be going to an all women's play party. i'm a bit nervous about it, i've never subbed to a woman before. i don't know how to act. i'm having a hard time explaining this. With a man, i know how to act, i know how to interact sexually with a man...i know their body language etc. With a woman, i'm fairly unfamiliar, strange as that may seem. i tend to feel off balance around women, especially in a sexual situation because i don't always know if what i'm doing is right or good.
There's also the intimidation factor, i feel like such a newbie. i suppose i really am, i've only had one dominant and this will be my first actual play party.
Sir is so good to me. i love that He doesn't laugh at what may seem to be silly questions from me. He gives me His honest opinion and thoughts on the matter. :-)

Electrifying!

So, today was the violet wand demo with the local group. i had secretly wanted to try it but wasn't sure i would. i'm usually very shy and reserved.
It was awesome! i did end up volunteering and ended up shirtless and braless in front of the group. T'was very awesome! i enjoyed being exposed. i have to admit that.
Ms. R started with the most mild attachment and worked through til she ended up with a knife.. wow! i loved it!
Here is the demo report i wrote up in e-mail to Mark...
"Then Ms. R started using the wand on me.. the first time it touched me i gasped and jumped a little. Then she waited to see if i wanted her to continue and of course i did. So she went to another attachment, it was rake shaped, that one was really intense. The first attachment was round and sort of flat. The rake had like four or five little prongs.The next attachment was a long round one. Oooh i liked it.. she did it between my legs through my pants... yep, i liked that one a lot. ;-) Then she went to the indirect method and first used her hand over my flesh, that was cool then she held various metal implements... one was this really neat little mylar flogger.. very mild. Then a Wartenburg wheel, that was SO cool, very intense. Next was a length of ball chain, i really liked it, it felt so cool.Then a knife! The knife itself was AWESOME! When she traced the tip of it across my skin.. wow! It actually felt like it was cutting, at the very least it felt like she was digging the tip into me as she dragged it across my arm and chest. i absolutely loved it and i'm really craving some knife play now. She had me hold the indirect attachment and used a long thin metal paddle on my back, that was really neat too, not quite as intense either. She had the other girl come back up to feel something she hadn't gotten to try, i think it was the hand. She then had the girl hold the indirect attachment and had her lick me, the girl chose to lick my nipple. That was so wild! It was actually more intense but very different.Then she had me lick the girl somewhere, and of course, i chose her nipple. She had big dark nipples.. thicker than mine. It was really cool. The electricity coming from her body shocking my tongue. Then Ms. R suggested we touch tongues. WOW! That was the most intense bit of all. i can't even begin to describe how it felt.. my tongue was a bit numb afterwards and still feels a little funny. :-) i might have things a little jumbled as far as sequence...i was definitely feeling a little floaty by the time i got back to my seat. But, that's what happened. :-) "
i think i'm hooked. {goofy grin}

Rage against the domination

Okay, so it's not quite that bad.
i just found myself in an interesting situation today. Alan, being dominant by nature and very alpha to boot tends to rule the roost around here and often treats me like a child. That's my perception.
Today i got angry about it as i do on occasion.i don't know why, i'm sub right? i think i caught a glimmer of understanding today. He expects me to just give in and let him have control. He expects it and it pisses me off. What if i don't want to give him control? What if i want to be in control on the same day he wants to be in control? i know it sounds silly and i know i'm just acting like a petulant teenager, fighting against things. It's just that every now and then the chains feel ever so tight and i struggle and strain against them trying to loosen them and find some comfort.
Sometimes i think my honesty hurts Alan's feelings so i try not to say much. He'd mentioned beating me yesterday and i told him "No, it only pisses me off when you do it." It was out before i thought about it. But it's true. i do feel angry when he tries to spank me and sometimes when he tries to dominate me.
i'm trying to teach myself a new/old art now. Making myself more valuable i suppose. Though, i'm not sure what use it can be put to. i'm trying to relearn calligraphy. i learned a bit in jr. high and got fairly good at it. i enjoyed it too. So, here i go again.
Another skill i'd like to learn is the art of the Japanese Tea Ceremony. It's such a beautiful ceremony all centered around the moment.. enjoying the moment, appreciating the beauty of the moment. i think it's something Mark would be able to appreciate. Sadly, there are no schools for that in Iowa and it's not something that is taught in a book or video. So, that will have to remain a wish.

Subbie thoughts

Where to begin?i created this journal as a space for my subbie thoughts and issues. i wanted to separate my thoughts for a while, maybe gain some new perspective on them.
Being sub is an integral part of my life, of who i am. Sometimes i think i'm totally mental or wacko about it because it's such an important part of me.

Mark suggested one night that maybe i'm not as sub as i think i am. i think He was kidding for the most part. And yes, it has occurred to me that maybe i'm not. i've given some thought to it. Could i live happily on Top? i don't think so. i get bored after being in control for a short while and i begin to crave being on the bottom and even do things to give control to the other person. i don't think i'd be a very successful Dominant.

i fight against my sub nature a lot, i resist Mark's control even. In the end though, i know beyond knowing that i will end up on my knees at His feet. i don't know why i resist. It seems silly to resist doesn't it? The only time i feel truly peaceful is when i'm on my knees at His feet. Then i know my place, i'm with someone who knows what to do with me and i trust Him to use me well.