Conflicted no more

Conflict, war, battle, all of these words describe what has been going on inside of me. I am a slave, I know this... but I have a sadistic and dominant side to me that needs to feed every so often. Over the past several months I've been nurturing and claiming this other side of me with the help of my Lady whom my Master shares me with.

She's been supportive and a great resource to me.

Today I had a most excellent play session with a submissive female and after getting past the doubts and fears I found a center of self-confidence that up til now I hadn't known I possessed. I was in charge and I felt competent in my ability to bring her and myself through the scene, which I did and was rewarded with lots of contented smiles.

Master reinforced his ownership of me with a reminder that it extends into all areas and aspects of my life. I was given a task to complete today with the submissive. Tonight as I sit here musing over today's events, I feel more the slave than ever. I know it doesn't make much sense and I'm not sure I can even explain it to myself. It just is.

I'm just happy to feel whole. I know some would say having this switch nature makes me not a slave... and maybe I'm not by their definition. But by my and Master's definition, I am and that's enough for me.

Now I look forward to going to Chicago over Valentine's Day weekend. Master and I are going to My Vicious Valentine with my Lady and her submissives. This will be Master's and my first time at an event like this and we're both very much looking forward to it. I'm a little nervous about fitting in there but over all I think it will be a fun and educational experience.

Catching UP

Computer viruses and reformats, oh my. Sometimes technology is more of a pain in the butt than it's worth.
I think I can say with a small degree of certainty that I'm back.

Our son turned 16 today, despite some trouble and rocky roads, he's turning into a very nice young man. Seeing that makes all the heartache and worry seem worth it somehow.

Master and I got some good play time in over the weekend with each other and with a few close friends, which was wonderfully satisfying after weeks of deprivation. We were both starved for each other's touch. It is easy to forget that he needs me too when I get wrapped up in thoughts of how much I miss him. I'm going to try to remember this in the future when I'm feeling lonely and sorry for myself.

Relationships, while seeming to be secure and strong, can be so very fragile. Even more so when communication breaks down. I need to learn to open up more instead of being a brick wall for Master.

I'd forgotten how much I enjoy writing. I remembered last night when I got out the disk with the beginnings of a story I'd begun writing a while back. It didn't take long for me to look it over and see the parts that needed re-written or just a little extra oomf. It felt good to sit here and work on my story. But then, when I tried to go to sleep, I remembered that I shouldn't write at night. I write and re-write in my head when I should be drifting off to sleep.

Sometimes Blue (poetry)

Sometimes Blue

Had to work, had to fight
to be Mommy's delight

Never was good enough
no matter what I did.
my best wouldn't do.

Always awkward sometimes
blue, never was good enough
for you.

Did cartwheels and handstands
took your worst abuse to make
you happy, to hear "I love you."

Always awkward sometimes blue
never was good enough for you.

Always wanted to be Mommy's girl,
cherished by you. But I wasn't good
enough for you.

Always awkward sometimes blue,
never was loved by you.

-------------------------------------------------

I wrote this a few years ago and even today thinking about the feelings that inspired it can get me all choked up.
It's amazing to me that a good many of my hang ups and emotional handicaps stem were created by her. Now, how to get out from under that shadow.

Grouchy

I'm ill, in the middle of a nasty cold really. So I'm tired and I'm irritable. Still it's not excuse to snap and yell at Master the way I did tonight.
I know better than to let go like that. I finally took myself to our bedroom for some quiet time. I needed a time out.

He came upstairs about 15 minutes later and ordered me downstairs to talk. He lectured me about my behavior and apologized for being cranky himself. We spent the rest of the night snuggled on the couch watching a movie with the kids.

I think we're both frustrated with his having worked 15 days in a row with no time off. He's been so exhausted that he hasn't wanted to do more than lounge around the house til bedtime. He'll finally have a day off this Sunday and I'm excited. I want to pamper him a little and help him relax.

I miss him even though I see him every night. I miss him touching me, sneaking up behind me to nuzzle my neck while I sit at the computer. I miss staying up late waiting for the kids to go to sleep so we can have a little play time.

Roller Coaster

The last few days have been a roller coaster of moods and emotion. PMS really makes life difficult sometimes.

I got on a self-pity roll Sunday night and sent Master an e-mail about it. The resultant lecture left me feeling chastened but loved. Most of the time I can see the positives in my life, and I actually like me. There are just sometimes that the old tapes start playing and I start feeling worthless for no good reason.

Master asked me if I knew why I have these feelings of being worthless. He knew why even before he asked. I couldn't say it, though I knew too. Thinking about it makes an ocean of bitter tears well up inside, to admit it out loud would release a flood that would drown me.

I sometimes think that somewhere inside I'll always be a little girl crying out for her mother's love.

Then sometimes I think that it's a waste of energy. My childhood was no childhood at all, my mother didn't want me, big deal. My life now is good. I'm no longer one of the walking wounded, I'm living life, not just surviving it. That's quite an accomplishment for one who was on the road to a life of victimhood at one time.

Life is what you make it after all and I've still got a lot of life left to make and a soul mate to make it with. That makes me a very fortunate girl indeed.

Ho hum

This week has been, well, blah. My days and nights are mixed up. I can't sleep at night but I sleep deeply during the day. Master wants me to get back into a regular sleep routine but it's very hard lying there tossing and turning in bed, my mind stuck in the "on" position.

I have so many projects I want to do but can't seem to get motivated to do them. Maybe it's the season, maybe it's just me.

Surrender and yielding

They can mean much the same thing. Only, yielding means recognizing something bigger and more powerful than you and giving way before it. Like the tree that bends in the wind.

I am laid open before my Master, there is nothing that I hide from him, nothing that doesn't belong to him, yet there is my very strong will that does not surrender, it yields. It belongs to him as surely as the rest of my being, yet it doesn't surrender. It doesn't give up.

I don't know why I'm contemplating these things other than I've read much about being surrendered to one's Master and as always, I began analyzing myself. I do that a lot.

On being scary

Recently I had a Dom friend tell me that playing with me scared him. His inner sadist comes fully to the fore when playing with me and it's a lot stronger than he realized.
How is one supposed to take a comment like that? "Playing with you scares me."

I can't help but be who I am and apparently that speaks to something in most of the Dominants I've played with. Whatever it is, be it my enjoyment of the pain, my willingness to endure, or whatever... it is slightly fascinating and unsettling at the same time to have a Dominant be afraid of what he might do while playing with you.

New Year

So it's been a few days since I've written here. I spent the New Year with Master and now my back looks like a couple of cats were set loose to tap dance on it with unsheathed claws. I loved every minute of it. Master loves knives as much as I do.

A Dom friend and I were talking about slavery... is slavery about the things you do for your Master or Mistress or is it about who you are? I think it's more about who you are than the things you do, though that is a part of it. The way he described it, he thinks it's more about what you do. I'm still sorting this one out. All I know for certain is that there has to be room enough in this world for all types of slaves.

I find myself anxious now to wear Master's collar. It is coming up soon, he hasn't set a date but has said that he'd like to do it before it gets warm and that he wants to get the collar possibly before our trip in February. Master has chosen an Eternity Collar for me. I think they're beautiful and I love the idea of a locking collar.

So many exciting things are happening this year and through it all I'm trying to make some fitness goals. With Master's help I've made one positive change, I'm no longer drinking regular soda at home. I want to be healthier for Master and for myself.