The last few days have been a roller coaster of moods and emotion. PMS really makes life difficult sometimes.
I got on a self-pity roll Sunday night and sent Master an e-mail about it. The resultant lecture left me feeling chastened but loved. Most of the time I can see the positives in my life, and I actually like me. There are just sometimes that the old tapes start playing and I start feeling worthless for no good reason.
Master asked me if I knew why I have these feelings of being worthless. He knew why even before he asked. I couldn't say it, though I knew too. Thinking about it makes an ocean of bitter tears well up inside, to admit it out loud would release a flood that would drown me.
I sometimes think that somewhere inside I'll always be a little girl crying out for her mother's love.
Then sometimes I think that it's a waste of energy. My childhood was no childhood at all, my mother didn't want me, big deal. My life now is good. I'm no longer one of the walking wounded, I'm living life, not just surviving it. That's quite an accomplishment for one who was on the road to a life of victimhood at one time.
Life is what you make it after all and I've still got a lot of life left to make and a soul mate to make it with. That makes me a very fortunate girl indeed.
