Think before you speak

After seeing a movie with my sister yesterday I ran a couple of errands and came home to find Master dozing. He'd taken advantage of having the place to himself and decided to have a wee nap.

He wasn't quite asleep and I caught his attention when I opened the bedroom door. I asked if he were napping and offered to leave him in peace. He said "Come here slave." "I have a use for your mouth." That's when it went all wrong.

As I walked into the room and flopped on the bed I reminded him that he'd had an O earlier in the day. The truth is, I was in pain and thinking only of not adding to that pain. He became a bit angry with me, justly so, and I went on to explain in an exasperated tone that I was sore and that my stomach was upset. Then, disappointment colored his voice as he told me "Fine, never mind." I sat there looking at the reminder he wrote for me and felt perfectly awful.

I went downstairs with his permission, got something for the pain, something to take the edge off my hunger, and collected myself. Then I went back upstairs and watched him for the longest time, he'd decided to get up and have a shower. Over and over in my head I practiced the words "May I suck your cock?" I wanted to try to make up for my bad behavior. I wanted to erase the disappointment Master felt, I wanted to please him.

After he finished his shower and had relieved himself, I knelt on the floor near the bathroom door; he noticed me and asked "What?" I blushed then and felt rather silly, the lil me fidgeted under his curious gaze. Then I managed to say it as he looked away. "May I suck your cock?" He threw my words back at me then. "I've already had an O today, remember?" "I'm just being greedy, I don't really need one." All this as he stood, naked, in front of me, his cock just inches from my lips. I just knelt there with my eyes downcast and my head bowed slightly feeling as if there would be no way to redeem myself when Master said I could put just the head of his cock in my mouth. I readily obeyed. I swirled my tongue around the soft, silkiness of it, savoring the feel of it in my mouth and the few drops of urine that clung to the tip.

Just then he ordered me onto the bed, naked, to give him a proper blow job. He reclined on the bed while I leaned across his leg and began to suck his cock with gusto. I worshiped his cock then, demonstrating my devotion to him and to his pleasure.

I used to wonder what people meant when they talked about cock worship, or boot worship. I understand it now as a physical demonstration of one's reverence and devotion.

He fucked me then, hard and relentless. He pounded into me, it hurt and I relished the pain. Each thrust sent chills racing over my skin. When he came he thrust deeper inside me than he ever has before. It felt as if his cock would tear through me and come out the other side, it was sweet agony.

Afterwards he laid on the bed recovering and I sat near him. I apologized for my earlier behavior; he agreed with me that I was out of line. I was hoping for absolution, what I got was an acknowledgement that I was trying to make up for my mistake.

I guess I didn't really deserve absolution. Perhaps what I do deserve is punishment.

Apathy

No, I haven't really turned apathetic; I just haven't felt much like writing lately. I haven't got much good to write about. My back is still giving me fits and looks to continue to be a problem for the rest of my life.

I saw an orthopedic specialist yesterday who told me that "arthritis" is just a catch-all term. I've actually got two discs in the very early stages of degeneration. So, I've got degenerative disc disease. It happens to everyone as they age. The thing is I'm only 33 isn't that too young??
What it means is that the discs can't take the stress they once could and they get aggravated, then the muscles around them get aggravated which results in pain. He's prescribed more intensive PT, isometrics. I hope it works; I'm tired of being in pain. I'm tired of not being able to go on long car rides. Most of all I'm tired of being a burden on Master.

I feel very discouraged right now. Master hasn't been able to play with me in the way he needs to because he's been afraid that he would further injure my back. I'm concerned that he's lost his desire to do any S&M play with me. Being Daddy's little girl complicates things enough without having fear of causing injury added to the mix.

One might think that being a masochist I'd be getting all the pain I could ever want right now with my back. I sometimes wish it worked that way for me. At least then I could find something enjoyable about all of this. *chuckles*

I need a good cry. I've needed it for some time now but I haven't been able to just let go. I keep it all stamped down inside.

I did have a very big positive this week. This month's submissive's forum was held Wednesday and the topic was role play with a focus on age play. It felt good to be in a room with so many other age players and to not have to worry about whether or not I might squick them. It felt good to share something that I enjoy so much with others. I'm not the world's best presenter but I do my best to lead a good discussion and thankfully there have been others present who help to keep the discussion going. I am very grateful to them for their assistance.

Saturday morning musings

It's early Saturday morning and I'm awake. There's something wrong with this picture. Saturday mornings are meant to be spent lazing about in bed aren't they?

Of course, there's a reason I'm not lazing about in bed this particular Saturday morning. I had to take Master to work so that I could have the car for the day because I have to go to Best Buy to pick up our snazzy new computer. I'm pretty excited about it. Mostly I'm excited about the larger monitor and the much larger hard drive. Alright, the speed will be nifty too, the computer we have is a dinosaur compared to the new one.

I'm a little nervous about being able to get back online. Of course, I probably won't get to do any changeover until tomorrow. I have to wait for Master to do the lifting and moving of computers. Master gave me express orders not to do any lifting because it would aggravate my back. He knows me too well; I think I'm glad about that.

So, if you don't hear from me for a while, you'll know I'm in computer changeover limbo.

Frustration

I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to lie on the floor and have a full-blown tantrum. Instead I suck it all in, tamp it down and maintain as much control over myself as I am able.

Our teenagers are breaking my heart and driving me mad. Our oldest daughter is angry with Master; she blames all of her woes on him. She takes that anger out on me. Apparently I'm a safe target. I yell back in anger, things escalate, she slams her bedroom door and rants to herself but loud enough that I can still hear.

Our son gets frustrated with school, comes home, and acts like an arrogant twit. Expecting that I'm going to jump when he says jump then yells at me when I jump his case about it.

I try not to give in to my anger; I try not to yell at them. Sometimes I succeed. Today I didn't.

Pain

It seems to be the major focus of my life right now. The pain I feel as I sit here typing. The pain I feel as I sit on the couch watching TV. The pain I feel as I stand doing dishes. The pain is a constant with few moments of respite.

It was better last week, didn't hurt unless I overdid things or sat too long. Then I got the bright idea last weekend to do a quick clean of the kids' bathroom, clean the shower/tub in our bathroom, and go out to the bar where I did a little dancing in my seat. Now the pain is nearly as bad as it was when I first went to the doctor. I can be SUCH an idiot sometimes.

Master says I should have asked him to clean our shower/tub. How can I make him understand that I feel guilty enough about not keeping up on the housework without asking him to do it for me? Keeping the house clean is my job, it isn't right that he should do it. Yet, someone has to and I'm not allowed to be that someone right now.

He's losing patience with me, with my back pain. He wants me back at work and he wants me working full-time. I understand that he's stressed with money issues. I just wish he would understand my feelings instead of making comments here and there about me getting back to work. It makes me feel like I should have ignored the pain weeks ago and never gone to the doctor. It's what he would do if he were me. I feel like I'm disappointing him.

There's also the fear that I won't be able to keep up with my classes while working full-time. He says he'll take care of the home stuff but I still won't have much time to do class work. I get overwhelmed thinking about it. I try not to think about it and I try to have a "just do it" attitude. It isn't easy.

The ups and downs

This has been a hectic week as far as my health goes. Monday I was feeling good, my back pain was under control. Then I woke up Tuesday with the familiar twinges of a urinary tract infection. I get them so often I should have a standing prescription for antibiotics.
By Thursday the infection was improving thanks to modern medicine but just as I was getting into the shower before PT I pulled something in my back and re-injured it a bit. *sigh*

So, I'm coping with renewed back pain and a resolving UTI and then Friday I wake up with a weird rash on my cheeks. I am sorely tempted to scream "WHAT NEXT?!!" but I know better, that's just tempting fate.

I'm afraid the rash is a sign that I'm becoming allergic to the Cephalexin I'm taking, and have taken for the last two UTI’s. I keep building my list of drugs I'm allergic to, before long there won't be anything I can take to cure my stupid infections. It's a scary prospect.

I'm unhappy about the rash, I feel very ugly right now, it's a red rash with an odd texture and little white pimples in it. It's just disgusting looking. I see the doc on Monday so we'll see, it might not be an allergic reaction at all, it might just be some new condition sent to plague me. *grumbles*

We did have a nice night out last night. Master invited m'Lady over for a steak dinner and then we went to see Suspect Zero. We ended up having a bit of a disagreement at the ticket window though. For some reason Master had the idea that we were seeing Hero. He disavowed any memory of discussing seeing Suspect Zero though we did. It makes me so angry when he doesn't remember things we've discussed because he will then declare I'm wrong just because he doesn't remember it. It doesn't happen a lot but frequently enough that it is very frustrating.

I had enough of having my memory questioned as I grew up. There's nothing quite as upsetting as having your mother tell you that you remember things wrong when you know full-well that things happened exactly as you remembered them. So when Master does the same thing it makes me feel angry, it makes me feel like a little kid too. I get very defensive and I either shut down or I argue. Neither are appropriate behaviors, they're defense mechanisms that have yet to be defused.

Instead of arguing I should have been more diplomatic. I'm sure it doesn't feel good to not remember a discussion that others remember. I wish I could be this clear-headed and insightful in the middle of a situation instead of afterwards. What good is hindsight?

I am embarrassed about my behavior last night. I'm sorry Master.

Self observation

I noticed something Saturday night, something about myself. I was comfortable in my submission and honorifics for those who inspire such from me just rolled off my tongue as if they were words I'd been saying all my life.

Increasingly, in private at home, I have been calling Master, Sir. It is becoming second nature to me and I like that. But up until Saturday night I hadn't been able to use honorifics with others without conscious thought.

I think it's a very telling sign of my current headspace. I am very much feeling my submission and more importantly, I am feeling comfortable with all aspects of it.

Along with my further surrender to Master comes a realization. I have been unhappy with my arrangement with Mark. I wear his collar, in addition to Master's, his was the first collar I ever received. But, with that collar came expectations, I expected him to put some time and energy into us. It's something he hasn't been able to do because his life is overly full. In order to have time with him I would have to live with him and that's obviously not an option. I've been unhappy with the way things are for a couple of years now but kept his collar because it was a comfort, I enjoyed belonging to him, I love him, and I didn't want to hurt his feelings.

Yesterday I finally realized that I needed to do something, I needed to make a change. I wrote Mark and told him that I believe the collar gives me the right to have certain expectations and that my expectations are higher than he's able to live up to. I told him I think he should release me. I don't want to dissolve our relationship; I just want to remove the expectations that I have. I've tried to expect less on my own but I feel entitled to at least a little of his time.

I feel a little melancholy about it today. I don't know if he's read the e-mail yet, he was very ill yesterday. I'm afraid that he'll disappear from my life entirely. I don't want to lose him as a friend and as a lover. I know it will hurt him and I really don't want to do that. But at the same time, I have to look out for my happiness too. I feel as if I am caught between a rock and a hard place. My unhappiness is the rock and Mark's emotional well-being is the hard place.

My Lady commented yesterday, when I told her what I'd done, that I've changed and grown so very much since she met me. Perhaps I have. Perhaps the true me has finally come out.

The power of blood

I was going to wait to write this until I'd processed things a little more fully but apparently the words can't wait for me to be ready to write them. They're chomping at the bit and keeping my attention from other things like, eating lunch!

For last night's play party Master, my Lady and I, had a cutting and needle play scene planned. I was nervous, once I was up on the table waiting as Master prepared his tools, I caught myself thinking "What have I gotten myself into? Is it too late to run away?" This would be the first cutting Master had ever done on another person and pretty much the first time my Lady had ever used needles on another person.

I know I know, some of the SSCers out there might think we were nuts, under trained, or whatever. For the record, Master has handled blades for years and cuts with the precision of a surgeon and my Lady has practiced and researched and learned from those who've done needle play for years. I've also done a fair amount of research and learning myself.

I was extremely, even overly, chatty before Master began. I think it was nervous energy. Master told me to shut up at one point in a tone that left no room for discussion. I had been sitting there directing Master. Not the wisest thing for a slave to do. When I'm nervous or scared I tend to slip into a Top space. Master's admonition for me to shut up helped me refocus.

I sat there and concentrated on my breathing. I tried to take slow deep breaths but had to be reminded to slow it down more. Just before Master began I asked if he would tell me right before he made the first cut. Just before the blade touched my flesh he said something like "There it goes..." I took a deep breath and let it out through my pursed lips as the blade began to flow through my skin. There is something to be said for a sharp blade. It doesn't drag, stutter, or scratch, it flows.

I can only describe the sensation as cold sharpness. Being scratched by a not-so-sharp knife is a hot sensation... scalpels feel cold to me.

After the first cut or two Master checked with me to be sure I was doing okay. I happily responded with "Yep!"

Master stopped part way through the cutting to do a little clean up. I bled rather well. He cut only 1/16 deep but it was enough. I enjoyed the feeling of my blood flowing down my back. It was Master's to draw as he wished.

We had an audience before we began but once the blood started to flow most of them left the room. I'll be honest, there's a little part of me that enjoys shocking people or freaking them out so seeing people leave was a little bit gratifying.

For those who remained the cutting became a learning experience. Questions were asked and Master and my Lady answered them as fully as they were able with me interjecting little bits here and there.

It was over in a relatively short period of time. It was a simple design, the rune Othila. Associated with property, we both felt this rune was the perfect symbol to cut into my flesh.

Once Master had my back cleaned up and the fresh cutting covered with a bandage it was my Lady's turn. My nerves returned full force as I watched her lay out fresh paper towels and the needles she would be using.

She would be placing needles in my breasts since Master had cut my back.

As my Lady turned to me with a needle in her hand I began to beg to be allowed to code if I felt I couldn't handle it. Master told me I had to ask my Lady as I was in her hands. I turned to her and begged to be allowed to code {safe word} if I couldn't handle it. She allowed me that one small mercy. It helped ease my nerves just a teeny bit.

My Lady suggested we try one needle and see how I handle it. After the first needle and seeing the gleam in her eyes I couldn't say no to more. So, she proceeded to insert two more needles into my right breast. The needles burned a bit but weren't too uncomfortable. The third one though was a bit sore. It was a little deeper and further down the breast than the others. I asked if we could use my left breast since the third in my right breast was sore.

My Lady was quite happy to move to the other breast and proceeded to prep the area.

She got three needles in and as with the right breast, the third needle hurt a little more than the others. During the entire scene my Lady and Master both fielded questions about needles and needle play.

After the third needle was placed she stopped putting in needles and tapped the needles through my flesh. It felt very strange. As my Lady answered some questions I bounced a bit and really enjoyed the sensations my movements produced. I was having way too much fun.

Soon it was time to take the needles out and as they came out I began to bleed. I was fascinated with the sight of my blood welling to the surface. My Lady took great care to clean the areas and then put some antibiotic ointment and bandages over them.

It was a pleasure for me to see the gleam in my Lady's eyes; she really enjoyed playing with needles. I look forward to sharing the experience with her again.

Today I sit here with the marks on my body feeling content, centered, and more tightly bound to Master and my Lady. Each time I look at the marks they've left on me I re-live last night's experiences and I smile.

A job well done

My back seems to be healing slowly but surely. I'm able to move around a bit easier and the pain isn't as constant as it was just a couple of days ago. Let's hear it for Physical Torture! I'm able to do some of the service I was doing before my back went wonky which is a relief to me.

I never thought I'd take to service like I have. I take a great deal of pride in making sure Master looks his best when we're out and about. That means making sure he's got a nice clean shave, keeping up with his laundry so that the clothes he might want to wear are clean, and taking care of his leathers.

Tonight as I polished his boots I felt very at peace. I was in my proper place providing a much needed service for my Master. As I was finishing up on the first boot and saw the leather begin to gleam I imagined how good Master will look in his boots tomorrow night. I also imagined how good he'll feel wearing such nicely cared for boots. It gave me a warm fuzzy feeling.

Anticipation

The scalpels arrived yesterday and I had the overwhelming urge to open the package to play with them. I was a little kid with a new toy and it was SO hard to be good and not open the package. I had to content myself with touching them through the outer wrapping. Even now they're on my mind, I see them in my mind's eye sitting on my bedside table.

I am nervous about the cutting, aside from scratches with our knife; I've never really had a cutting. I'm also nervous about the needles; I've never tried needle play before. Ever. I've watched with envy as a new acquaintance had feathers sewn to his skin and watched a friend have needles inserted in a pattern on his back and then have that pattern wrapped with thread. I've even practiced a little needle play on an orange, but that's it.

I ended up having a bit of a chat with Mark yesterday about my limit pushing. He tends to feel inadequate because I no longer have limits that he can push. The S&M activities I enjoy are far beyond anything he enjoys. I felt a little guilty yesterday for it. I am truly sorry that he isn't able to "keep up". At the same time I don't really want him to keep up. I don't need him to do the same things with me that Master does. He gives me gentleness, playfulness, and he helped me find the key to my femininity. I value him for his gentleness and sensuality.

I wanted Mark to be there Saturday night for the cutting and needle play; I wanted to share the experience with him. I wanted to feel his gentleness and to see that comforting look in his eyes that makes me feel like I'm being wrapped in the softest embrace. I wanted to hold his hand and share the energy we will create.