I noticed something Saturday night, something about myself. I was comfortable in my submission and honorifics for those who inspire such from me just rolled off my tongue as if they were words I'd been saying all my life.
Increasingly, in private at home, I have been calling Master, Sir. It is becoming second nature to me and I like that. But up until Saturday night I hadn't been able to use honorifics with others without conscious thought.
I think it's a very telling sign of my current headspace. I am very much feeling my submission and more importantly, I am feeling comfortable with all aspects of it.
Along with my further surrender to Master comes a realization. I have been unhappy with my arrangement with Mark. I wear his collar, in addition to Master's, his was the first collar I ever received. But, with that collar came expectations, I expected him to put some time and energy into us. It's something he hasn't been able to do because his life is overly full. In order to have time with him I would have to live with him and that's obviously not an option. I've been unhappy with the way things are for a couple of years now but kept his collar because it was a comfort, I enjoyed belonging to him, I love him, and I didn't want to hurt his feelings.
Yesterday I finally realized that I needed to do something, I needed to make a change. I wrote Mark and told him that I believe the collar gives me the right to have certain expectations and that my expectations are higher than he's able to live up to. I told him I think he should release me. I don't want to dissolve our relationship; I just want to remove the expectations that I have. I've tried to expect less on my own but I feel entitled to at least a little of his time.
I feel a little melancholy about it today. I don't know if he's read the e-mail yet, he was very ill yesterday. I'm afraid that he'll disappear from my life entirely. I don't want to lose him as a friend and as a lover. I know it will hurt him and I really don't want to do that. But at the same time, I have to look out for my happiness too. I feel as if I am caught between a rock and a hard place. My unhappiness is the rock and Mark's emotional well-being is the hard place.
My Lady commented yesterday, when I told her what I'd done, that I've changed and grown so very much since she met me. Perhaps I have. Perhaps the true me has finally come out.
