The scalpels arrived yesterday and I had the overwhelming urge to open the package to play with them. I was a little kid with a new toy and it was SO hard to be good and not open the package. I had to content myself with touching them through the outer wrapping. Even now they're on my mind, I see them in my mind's eye sitting on my bedside table.
I am nervous about the cutting, aside from scratches with our knife; I've never really had a cutting. I'm also nervous about the needles; I've never tried needle play before. Ever. I've watched with envy as a new acquaintance had feathers sewn to his skin and watched a friend have needles inserted in a pattern on his back and then have that pattern wrapped with thread. I've even practiced a little needle play on an orange, but that's it.
I ended up having a bit of a chat with Mark yesterday about my limit pushing. He tends to feel inadequate because I no longer have limits that he can push. The S&M activities I enjoy are far beyond anything he enjoys. I felt a little guilty yesterday for it. I am truly sorry that he isn't able to "keep up". At the same time I don't really want him to keep up. I don't need him to do the same things with me that Master does. He gives me gentleness, playfulness, and he helped me find the key to my femininity. I value him for his gentleness and sensuality.
I wanted Mark to be there Saturday night for the cutting and needle play; I wanted to share the experience with him. I wanted to feel his gentleness and to see that comforting look in his eyes that makes me feel like I'm being wrapped in the softest embrace. I wanted to hold his hand and share the energy we will create.
