Used

Master read last night's journal entry and as soon as we had a moment to ourselves he wrapped his fist in my hair and pulled. He said something to the effect of "Is this what you need?" but I can't recall the exact words, I was too wrapped up in the sensation of his fist in my hair and the sudden warmth that started between my legs and infused my whole body.

He promptly ordered me upstairs and followed shortly after.

Once in the room he began undressing me a bit roughly and once my bra was off, squeezed my tender breasts with such intensity that it forced pained moans from my throat. He was almost instantly hard; I'd forgotten how much the violence turns him on too.

I can't recall the sequence of events but I'm sure we started with me lying on my back on the bed with my head hanging off the end while he strangled me with his cock. It took me a moment to get into it but soon that familiar frenzy filled me and I couldn't get enough. I worshipped his cock, hoping he could feel how I revere him.

Then, suddenly, he went to our dresser and got my rather large dildo out. I know I'm in for it then, once he's gotten that out. The thing is huge and unless I'm in the right mood, I don't much enjoy it. Despite my arousal, I didn't enjoy it at first but he kept talking to me, asking me if it felt good, should he do it this way, or that, and then offered my pocket rocket to me. I was done for then, as soon as the first tingles of the vibrator touched my clit, I knew I was lost to the sensations. I was Master's wanton slut as I teased myself, holding off my impending orgasm for as long as I could.

It's not often that I get to let go like that, I keep an iron control over my behavior most of the time. Never getting too far out of control, definitely never enough to embarrass myself or the people I'm with. It takes a lot to shut off that control, often it has to be intense physical sensation. I can't even seem to let go very much when I'm drunk.

Master used me thoroughly last night, making me feel like his treasured whore. His precious slut who came so hard for him that she nearly forgot herself and screamed. Thankfully I had the presence of mind to stuff my face into the blankets to stifle my screams and moans.

One might think that I'd be sated after last night but, instead, it fanned the flames of my desire and I'm eager for more. Aching to be pushed further, used more, and cuddled afterwards.

Cravings

I've noticed that whenever there's a long period between pain play, I begin to crave very intense, violent play.

Today I've found my thoughts meandering around from needle play, to strangulation, to takedown/play gang rape.

If I were like a lot of people I'd be feeling guilty and ashamed of these sorts of thoughts. But, I'm not, I'm me and I'm wondering if it's possible to make it all happen on the same night. *chuckles*

Master and I were watching Starship Troopers and there's a scene where one of the main female characters spars with her drill instructor, he gets the upper hand and has her helpless on the ground, slowly choking her to unconsciousness with his knee on the side of her neck. I looked to Master and said "I'd be getting turned on just about then." The truth is, I was getting turned on watching it and wishing I was in her place. Yum!

I feel like I'm getting worked up into a fever pitch with my need for intense play. It is so very much an integral part of my sexuality. Often, when he's not inflicting pain during sex, I'll give myself little bits of pain, pulling my own hair, digging my nails into my neck, the palm of my hand, or a thigh. But it's never enough; those are only teases, small placations to keep me from losing my mind from excessive need.

If I go too long without pain play it becomes the only thing I can focus on. I'll be driving 60 miles an hour down the freeway when suddenly my mind will wander to visions of violent sex, my cunt will clench with longing and then I'll get to where I was headed and won't remember the drive because I was on autopilot while my mind roamed.

So, here I am, fixated on violent sex and some violence without sex. I ache for it and I've been the good girl, I've asked politely for it without acting out to force the issue. Yet, I'm still waiting and while I know when and if we play is his prerogative, it's frustrating.

I'm slowly swinging 'round to feeling violent myself, it happens after enough frustration. *sigh* My inner sadist begins to claw her way out and make demands to be satisfied. I'm trying to ignore her; Master doesn't like it when I start biting and growling. *wry grins*

Reconnecting and more

I don't know what to say. That's why I haven't written anything for a few days. I'm busy with school well, trying to be busy anyway. I have a hard time motivating myself some days. Master has been busy with work. When we find a few moments here and there where we can connect, intermingle our worlds, and just be, we take full advantage of them.

This weekend was full of such moments. We spent much time lounging around together, happy to just touch each other. We also went to dinner and saw a movie. And of course, we had lots of good sex.

I got to surprise him Saturday night by talking slightly dirty to him in the car. I surprised myself too, the words tripped off my tongue as naturally as if I were talking about the weather. I've always been so self-conscious and uncomfortable about speaking in front of others. But there I was, sitting in the dark car next to him talking about how I thought he might enjoy slipping his hands down my panties and touching my silky smooth pussy. I'm blushing now, thinking about how I really said that.

It felt good to reconnect like that, especially after all the stress we've had. I'm still aching for a cathartic beating but as long as I have this extra back pain, he won't give it to me. He told me yesterday that he wanted to beat me but that once he saw me having a bad back pain day he decided I was in enough pain.

Last night I felt disappointed and a little upset that he hadn't even mentioned wanting to beat me until after he'd decided to not do it. He gently reminded me that it's his right to make decisions like that and that he doesn't have to tell me anything if he chooses not to do so. Thinking back, he's been doing that a little more frequently lately, telling me that it's his right to do this or that etc. I think I like it. It's not so subtle reminder of my position.

It's a good thing he's looking out for my health because, given the choice, I would disregard my back pain and take whatever pain play he could dish out.

Distance

Tonight was a good night. Alan and I were kidding around and teasing each other good naturedly. There was even a moment where things turned a little serious but I couldn't stop giggling. We were driving home from the store and I made a direct hit with a verbal jab. He said something and then grabbed the back of my hair, pulled me down and held me there for a while. It was fun.

Then the fun ended.

We started talking about the teens and the subject of money that was going to have to be spent on their misdeeds came up. He withdrew from me then. He barely spoke to me the rest of the evening. It felt like I'd done something wrong but I knew I hadn't.

When we went to bed he was still very withdrawn and I was surprised when he asked me for a goodnight kiss. I told him that I was surprised he wanted one because he'd been so distant from me. He then told me he had a lot on his mind. "Don't we all?" I said. Then I went into a half-joking mini-rant about how I hadn't known that having things on our minds was an acceptable reason to be distant and withdrawn. He tried bluffing his way out with "Do as I say" when I came back with "You lead by example." It was just a bit of verbal sparring but I kind of meant it. He does lead by example whether he likes it or not.

Perhaps it's childish to take that stance that if he does it I can do it too. I don't know. What I do know is that when he does something it feels like I'm given permission to do it too. This is especially prevalent regarding food. If he has sweets then I somehow take it as blanket permission to have them myself, or if he has seconds at dinner, bingo, permission to over indulge myself. If he reined me in instead of ignoring what I'm doing, I don't think I would be so quick to assume that if he does something I can do it too.

I think it's this lack of comment, chastisement, or correction that leads me to feel as if I'm being given permission to behave badly, over indulge, or whatever else. This is definitely a flaw in my character that needs to be buffed out somehow. I believe it's a hold-over from being his wife for so many years before becoming his slave. I'm still trying to unlearn years of living as an equal.

So, tonight I take a deep breath and center myself. His distance is a.) nothing personal against me and, possibly more importantly, b.) not an excuse to distance myself from him when I'm stressed.

I know it sounds repetitive, I read other slaves talking about it all the time but, I need more control. I need correction when I'm misbehaving; I need to be molded into something he can be proud of. I truly feel like a lump of clay that is just waiting for the Master to come along and mold it into a manifestation of his vision for it.

It's times like these that I feel my slavery, or rather my need to be enslaved, the most.

Learning experiences

A few days ago I wrote about my frustrations over a conflict that was happening on our local group's discussion list. I was pretty angry and frustrated over it all. Mostly I was frustrated at my seeming inability to communicate effectively and couldn't see where I was disconnecting with everyone involved.

I had a private e-mail discussion with one of the involved parties and her response was, what I call, a clue-by-four. We were both coming from a place of feeling like the other was intolerant of our views. No wonder we weren't able to communicate. It felt good to finally communicate and to understand why we hadn't been able to before.

I'm glad I took the time to talk with this person but I wish I'd done it before the situation had gotten so far out of hand. Instead of kicking myself for that, I'm looking at it as a learning experience. If I learn from it, it's not a waste and perhaps I can use what I've learned in communicating with others in the future.

Expectations

I had a good, but rough weekend. It culminated in a lot of emotional junk after a particularly intense scene with Alan. It started out good, I was enjoying everything that was going on and was getting into the building intensity.

Then the energy shifted and I could no longer get into it.

I thought he'd switched with someone else that was in the room and had let them work on me. From that point on my head was not where I'd wanted it to be, nor where Alan wanted it either. I began to get upset because of my headspace. Near the end he got slightly brutal with a new toy that I'd made. I couldn't take it because my head just wasn't in the right place. I was upset and I just can't take pain when I'm upset.

He stopped when I started crying, after I was untied and the room cleared, he lay down with me and waited for me to speak, to tell him what was wrong. I didn't know how to tell him it was all wrong and I didn't know how to do it without breaking down into full-on wracking sobs. So I waited until I got my emotions under control, then I began to tell him what was wrong. I felt horrible for even saying it. I felt like I was taking away his enjoyment. I didn't want him to feel bad because I felt bad because I didn't get to where I wanted to go.

We talked more, and talked on the way home too. I did feel better after talking with him but I still feel as if I let him down somehow.

Some of the reasons why I couldn't get my head where I wanted/needed it to be were that we weren't alone, it'd been a long time since we'd played, and I really NEEDED it. Mostly, I needed the pain play and I needed it to be from him alone. I knew I was going to be a total wreck afterwards and I don't think I was prepared to share that with anyone else but him. There's been a lot of stress in my life lately and I really needed some pain play to help me release it. I needed the pain play to finally let go of the rest of the hurt that I've been holding inside over things that happened with our oldest daughter last week. I definitely wasn't ready to share that with anyone else.

Pain is the most effective way for me to deal with stress and emotional junk. It always has been. Before S&M and M/s there was self-mutilation. It may not seem healthy to some but it works for me. Some people go to therapy and talk; I write and have intense, and sometimes brutal, pain play.

I had a lot of expectations going in and I don't think I really communicated that with Alan at all. I thought I had but I didn't. I should have, I know that now. I've been kicking myself for having expectations at all. I have it in my head that I shouldn't have expectations. He's the one in the driver's seat and he gets to decide where we're going.

At any rate, I think I did a fairly good job of being resilient. I was still a little sad but I tried to not let it ruin the rest of the evening. That's been a goal of mine, learning to be more resilient. I think it's a good trait to have so I'm trying to cultivate it in myself. I've never been very resilient and I know it's been a strain in the past, dealing with me and my emotions.

Complacency

I think I gave Alan the wrong idea when I showed him an article someone had written about the M/s lifestyle. There was one paragraph that mentioned that it's easy for the master to sit back and channel surf while being served drinks. It seemed that this was the one paragraph about the whole article that stuck out in Alan's mind.

I think that somehow I expected that he would get the same thing out of the article that I did. I'm afraid that quite the opposite happened I'm afraid he felt that I was complaining that he's been a lazy Master which wasn't the case at all.

I felt that the article was talking about complacency from both parties and I thought it was a good reminder to not get comfortable. I actually felt that it was I who was in danger of becoming complacent. It would be so easy for me to settle into a routine and not submit as fully as I could or should.

It's not easy to become a slave to a man you've been married and "equal" to for more than half your life, no matter how much you desire it. It's SO easy to fall back into old behavior patterns, especially if he's too tired to enforce his expectations. I think this is where active slavery is important. I have to have the self-discipline to continue behaving as his slave even when he's too tired to actively master me.

It's sort of like our eating habits, sometimes one or the other of us will get stressed and want to fall back on our old habits and get something sweet to soothe ourselves with. The one who isn't stressed has two choices; see it as an opportunity to "relax" and junk food, or to exercise self-discipline and to say "No thanks that just doesn't sound good to me."

If anything is important to you, you have to continue to work actively to achieve it. M/s is like a good marriage, it takes work to keep it fresh and alive. But if you're coming to it as a married couple, I think it requires a little more work. You don't just pick your roles and voila! I think each partner has to be actively involved.

Conflict

Have I ever mentioned that I really dislike conflict? Well, I do.

There is a lot of conflict on our local group's list right now and it's getting me down. No matter what I say it or how I phrase things, my words are being taken and twisted. As a board member I find myself stuck. I can't rebut anything because my words will continue to be twisted and used against me. At this point I don't know why I even bothered to respond to any of it. I thought I was helping. I really felt a sense of satisfaction from being in a leadership position, I felt as if I were filling a need. It seems like the only need I'm filling right now is easy target.

So what's the point? I want for all the board members to step back and encourage the complaintants to step up and show what they can do. If we're doing such a bad job of it, show us what you can do. That's how I feel like responding but I won't. Why? Because again, my words will be twisted to mean something I didn't intend. Plus it's just not nice and I do try to be nice even when I don't want to be.

I'm just at my wit's end with this issue. Do dominants have an easier time of it when they're in positions of leadership? I wonder if some of my frustration and upset is coming from being in a position that isn't natural to me.

I'll be honest; I've nearly had it with this group. We can't offer much because the bulk of the membership can barely be bothered to show up when an event is planned thereby leaving the board to cover the expense. The same people end up serving on the board every year because no one else will step forward to take up the responsibility yet they feel quite comfortable criticizing what we do and how we do it. Yeah, that's nice. Really.

Anyway, this is one worn out little slave girl who really wishes people would grow up and either put up or shut up.

Beastly

That's me recently. Beastly. Passive-aggressive. And I'm totally at odds with myself. Every time I act in a way that I really shouldn't or I say things I know I shouldn't say, I'm thinking to myself "What are you doing?? This isn't right, knock it off." I wonder if it's evident to anyone watching that I'm having these conversations in my head. Do I, when I realize what I've done, have a momentary look of shame or do I look apologetic?

Likely not.

So what's my excuse for being such a beast? I really have none. I've been stressed out beyond imagining, I have a devil may care attitude about my school work, and I have no release for any of this. Worse yet, I'm envious of Master because he had a release for his stress. He was serene when he came home from playing paintball and I was envious. I envied him his serenity and I think I was a little angry because he relieved his stress without me. None of this, however, is an excuse for bad behavior. I know better.

So here I sit, stewing in my grumpy feelings and feeling more pent up and in need of release than I was before. I think Master would be perfectly within his rights to deny me any pain play for a while.

So what causes me to act this way? Why do I do it when I know better? It sounds like an excuse but sometimes, I really can't help myself. The emotions get so big and I can't always control them. I feel like a failure as a slave at times like this.

I need to talk with Master.