I had a good, but rough weekend. It culminated in a lot of emotional junk after a particularly intense scene with Alan. It started out good, I was enjoying everything that was going on and was getting into the building intensity.
Then the energy shifted and I could no longer get into it.
I thought he'd switched with someone else that was in the room and had let them work on me. From that point on my head was not where I'd wanted it to be, nor where Alan wanted it either. I began to get upset because of my headspace. Near the end he got slightly brutal with a new toy that I'd made. I couldn't take it because my head just wasn't in the right place. I was upset and I just can't take pain when I'm upset.
He stopped when I started crying, after I was untied and the room cleared, he lay down with me and waited for me to speak, to tell him what was wrong. I didn't know how to tell him it was all wrong and I didn't know how to do it without breaking down into full-on wracking sobs. So I waited until I got my emotions under control, then I began to tell him what was wrong. I felt horrible for even saying it. I felt like I was taking away his enjoyment. I didn't want him to feel bad because I felt bad because I didn't get to where I wanted to go.
We talked more, and talked on the way home too. I did feel better after talking with him but I still feel as if I let him down somehow.
Some of the reasons why I couldn't get my head where I wanted/needed it to be were that we weren't alone, it'd been a long time since we'd played, and I really NEEDED it. Mostly, I needed the pain play and I needed it to be from him alone. I knew I was going to be a total wreck afterwards and I don't think I was prepared to share that with anyone else but him. There's been a lot of stress in my life lately and I really needed some pain play to help me release it. I needed the pain play to finally let go of the rest of the hurt that I've been holding inside over things that happened with our oldest daughter last week. I definitely wasn't ready to share that with anyone else.
Pain is the most effective way for me to deal with stress and emotional junk. It always has been. Before S&M and M/s there was self-mutilation. It may not seem healthy to some but it works for me. Some people go to therapy and talk; I write and have intense, and sometimes brutal, pain play.
I had a lot of expectations going in and I don't think I really communicated that with Alan at all. I thought I had but I didn't. I should have, I know that now. I've been kicking myself for having expectations at all. I have it in my head that I shouldn't have expectations. He's the one in the driver's seat and he gets to decide where we're going.
At any rate, I think I did a fairly good job of being resilient. I was still a little sad but I tried to not let it ruin the rest of the evening. That's been a goal of mine, learning to be more resilient. I think it's a good trait to have so I'm trying to cultivate it in myself. I've never been very resilient and I know it's been a strain in the past, dealing with me and my emotions.
