Cravings

I've noticed that whenever there's a long period between pain play, I begin to crave very intense, violent play.

Today I've found my thoughts meandering around from needle play, to strangulation, to takedown/play gang rape.

If I were like a lot of people I'd be feeling guilty and ashamed of these sorts of thoughts. But, I'm not, I'm me and I'm wondering if it's possible to make it all happen on the same night. *chuckles*

Master and I were watching Starship Troopers and there's a scene where one of the main female characters spars with her drill instructor, he gets the upper hand and has her helpless on the ground, slowly choking her to unconsciousness with his knee on the side of her neck. I looked to Master and said "I'd be getting turned on just about then." The truth is, I was getting turned on watching it and wishing I was in her place. Yum!

I feel like I'm getting worked up into a fever pitch with my need for intense play. It is so very much an integral part of my sexuality. Often, when he's not inflicting pain during sex, I'll give myself little bits of pain, pulling my own hair, digging my nails into my neck, the palm of my hand, or a thigh. But it's never enough; those are only teases, small placations to keep me from losing my mind from excessive need.

If I go too long without pain play it becomes the only thing I can focus on. I'll be driving 60 miles an hour down the freeway when suddenly my mind will wander to visions of violent sex, my cunt will clench with longing and then I'll get to where I was headed and won't remember the drive because I was on autopilot while my mind roamed.

So, here I am, fixated on violent sex and some violence without sex. I ache for it and I've been the good girl, I've asked politely for it without acting out to force the issue. Yet, I'm still waiting and while I know when and if we play is his prerogative, it's frustrating.

I'm slowly swinging 'round to feeling violent myself, it happens after enough frustration. *sigh* My inner sadist begins to claw her way out and make demands to be satisfied. I'm trying to ignore her; Master doesn't like it when I start biting and growling. *wry grins*