Distance

Tonight was a good night. Alan and I were kidding around and teasing each other good naturedly. There was even a moment where things turned a little serious but I couldn't stop giggling. We were driving home from the store and I made a direct hit with a verbal jab. He said something and then grabbed the back of my hair, pulled me down and held me there for a while. It was fun.

Then the fun ended.

We started talking about the teens and the subject of money that was going to have to be spent on their misdeeds came up. He withdrew from me then. He barely spoke to me the rest of the evening. It felt like I'd done something wrong but I knew I hadn't.

When we went to bed he was still very withdrawn and I was surprised when he asked me for a goodnight kiss. I told him that I was surprised he wanted one because he'd been so distant from me. He then told me he had a lot on his mind. "Don't we all?" I said. Then I went into a half-joking mini-rant about how I hadn't known that having things on our minds was an acceptable reason to be distant and withdrawn. He tried bluffing his way out with "Do as I say" when I came back with "You lead by example." It was just a bit of verbal sparring but I kind of meant it. He does lead by example whether he likes it or not.

Perhaps it's childish to take that stance that if he does it I can do it too. I don't know. What I do know is that when he does something it feels like I'm given permission to do it too. This is especially prevalent regarding food. If he has sweets then I somehow take it as blanket permission to have them myself, or if he has seconds at dinner, bingo, permission to over indulge myself. If he reined me in instead of ignoring what I'm doing, I don't think I would be so quick to assume that if he does something I can do it too.

I think it's this lack of comment, chastisement, or correction that leads me to feel as if I'm being given permission to behave badly, over indulge, or whatever else. This is definitely a flaw in my character that needs to be buffed out somehow. I believe it's a hold-over from being his wife for so many years before becoming his slave. I'm still trying to unlearn years of living as an equal.

So, tonight I take a deep breath and center myself. His distance is a.) nothing personal against me and, possibly more importantly, b.) not an excuse to distance myself from him when I'm stressed.

I know it sounds repetitive, I read other slaves talking about it all the time but, I need more control. I need correction when I'm misbehaving; I need to be molded into something he can be proud of. I truly feel like a lump of clay that is just waiting for the Master to come along and mold it into a manifestation of his vision for it.

It's times like these that I feel my slavery, or rather my need to be enslaved, the most.