That's me recently. Beastly. Passive-aggressive. And I'm totally at odds with myself. Every time I act in a way that I really shouldn't or I say things I know I shouldn't say, I'm thinking to myself "What are you doing?? This isn't right, knock it off." I wonder if it's evident to anyone watching that I'm having these conversations in my head. Do I, when I realize what I've done, have a momentary look of shame or do I look apologetic?
Likely not.
So what's my excuse for being such a beast? I really have none. I've been stressed out beyond imagining, I have a devil may care attitude about my school work, and I have no release for any of this. Worse yet, I'm envious of Master because he had a release for his stress. He was serene when he came home from playing paintball and I was envious. I envied him his serenity and I think I was a little angry because he relieved his stress without me. None of this, however, is an excuse for bad behavior. I know better.
So here I sit, stewing in my grumpy feelings and feeling more pent up and in need of release than I was before. I think Master would be perfectly within his rights to deny me any pain play for a while.
So what causes me to act this way? Why do I do it when I know better? It sounds like an excuse but sometimes, I really can't help myself. The emotions get so big and I can't always control them. I feel like a failure as a slave at times like this.
I need to talk with Master.
