Down

I'm a little down today. I'm starting a temp job tonight and I'll work 3-11 Monday through Friday. It means I won't see Master during the week. I don't like that one bit. I wish they could have worked out a part-time deal for me.

I'm feeling really apprehensive about going to work tonight. I'm concerned about the drive there and back and I'm concerned about the pain I'm going to feel after sitting for 8 hours straight. I'm always a bit nervous about meeting new people before a new job, I hate that part. I'm also nervous about doing a good job and not looking like a total nitwit.

I think the hardest part of this is knowing that I won't get to see Master until the weekend. We'll be down to communicating by phone and by e-mail. It will be a lot like a long distance relationship yet we'll be living in the same house. It's really odd to think about.

Pleas

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Survey

TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey
Name:	Joy
Birthday:	8-7-71
Birthplace:	Iowa
Current Location:	Iowa
Eye Color:	hazel
Hair Color:	chocolate cherry
Height:	5'4"
Right Handed or Left Handed:	right
Your Heritage:	Italian, Dutch, and maybe a wee bit of Irish
The Shoes You Wore Today:	Skechers sandals, uber comfy
Your Weakness:	chocolate and sex, not necessarily in that order
Your Fears:	drowning, suffocating, and going blind
Your Perfect Pizza:	Lots of cheese, pineapple, and Canadian bacon
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:	I'd like to lose another 50 lbs
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:	brb-I'm always getting up to run after something
Thoughts First Waking Up:	oooowwwww!
Your Best Physical Feature:	my eyes
Your Bedtime:	whenever He says it is
Your Most Missed Memory:	Duh
Pepsi or Coke:	used to be Coke now it's black cherry Diet Rite
MacDonalds or Burger King:	Burger King
Single or Group Dates:	both!
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:	neither, Tazo Earl Grey
Chocolate or Vanilla:	chocolate, hands down.
Cappuccino or Coffee:	icky!
Do you Smoke:	nope
Do you Swear:	I'm not allowed to although I do slip and have amnesty in the bedroom
Do you Sing:	loudly and often
Do you Shower Daily:	I won't leave the house without one
Have you Been in Love:	yep
Do you want to go to College:	I'm currently a college student
Do you want to get Married:	already am
Do you belive in yourself:	yes and it feels awesome to be able to say that
Do you get Motion Sickness:	I sure do
Do you think you are Attractive:	most days, yes
Are you a Health Freak:	I'm becoming one
Do you get along with your Parents:	when I'm not avoiding her, yes I get along with my mother
Do you like Thunderstorms:	love them
Do you play an Instrument:	no, though I would love to
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:	does the wine sample I had the other day count?
In the past month have you Smoked:	nope, I like breathing freely
In the past month have you been on Drugs:	loads of them all prescribed by my doc
In the past month have you gone on a Date:	yep, we had cheesecake outdoors
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:	yes
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:	no, those days are over
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:	*twitching*
In the past month have you been on Stage:	nope
In the past month have you been Dumped:	nope
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:	nope
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:	nope
Ever been Drunk:	yes
Ever been called a Tease:	yes
Ever been Beaten up:	nope
Ever Shoplifted:	yes
How do you want to Die:	I've never given this much thought
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:	I don't plan on growing up
What country would you most like to Visit:	Ireland
In a Boy/Girl..
Favourite Eye Color:	no favorite
Favourite Hair Color:	no favorite
Short or Long Hair:	no preference
Height:	a little taller than I am
Weight:	I'm not so concerned about weight
Best Clothing Style:	Jeans and leather
Number of Drugs I have taken:	too many to count
Number of CDs I own:	I have no idea
Number of Piercings:	only one set in my ears now
Number of Tattoos:	four
Number of things in my Past I Regret:	too many to count
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

Struggling

As often happens when I'm struggling with something, I got caught up in my upset and feelings of frustrations and I journaled.

I should have waited until I was clearer of head to write. Then again, perhaps the writing has aided in clearing my head, one can never be sure.

So, the fact of the matter is, I'm struggling in my slavery. I'm feeling lost and without direction and I'm struggling to continue to submit in what I feel is an absence of direction and control. I hate being unsure and feeling lost and I get a bit cranky and probably overly dramatic over it all.

In the clear light of day though, I realize that I've committed to this and that means I have to soldier on, I have to continue to do the work even when it seems as if he's withdrawn some. Unless he says "I release you" he still owns me and that doesn't exempt me from behaving as I should.

I think I stopped trusting him when I felt his control was missing. Without checking to see if he'd vacated it, I jumped into the driver's seat and took over. I don't know why I do this, especially when what I need at the time is more control from him. I suppose it's a lack of trust, or rather a fear that my trust was misplaced, that drove me. It's not an excuse, but it is a reason.

I owe him a huge apology and a much better behaved slave, if he'll still have me.

Confused

I don't understand why he doesn't take advantages of opportunities that present themselves. I feel kind of hurt and rejected when he doesn't. Then I get cranky because I'm positively seething with need. It's just no good if I have to say to him "Dom me dangit!" what's the point then? He's doing it because I asked for it, not because he wants to.

I know that seems really silly, most would probably say "At least he's doing it." But there's a world of difference between him asserting his dominance because he wants to and doing it because I asked for it. It's like the difference between eating a frozen pizza and a fresh one from a really good pizza place. The frozen pizza is OK and serves to nourish you with a pizza-like flavor, the other is an experience to be savored and enjoyed and it sates your craving for pizza.

I think we're stuck in a viscious cycle and I'm probably part of the problem. He's been extremely relaxed and laid back, almost vanilla. I'm still serving out of habit and because that's one thing he still expects. But when it comes to other things, I've taken on the attitude of "Why bother? You're not going to do anything if I don't." It's a horrible attitude to have, disrespectful, and intolerable. Yet, here I am, cranky and full of attitude. Sometimes I need to be forced. I know that he shouldn't have to force me and I'm betting that he likely feels as if it's not worth it if he has to force me. I just wish he'd be consistent.

I understand he's tired, he's exhausted, he's giving all he has to his work in order to keep our family afloat and his meds seem to have taken a lot of the vigor out of him. Understanding the reasons doesn't change the fact that I feel neglected. I feel like I'm the only one that wants the M/s right now.

I often wonder if behaving myself and doing all my duties will help the situation. The cynical side of me asks if it's helped up to this point. I don't know the answers, maybe there aren't any.

Growth

Master read through my entire journal today, he read the archives, some he'd never had the privilege of seeing because they were on a previous incarnation of my journal; before I'd told him I had an online journal, before I'd offered it up for his perusal.

He told me it was interesting to see how I'd grown and changed over time, I believe the word he used was improved but it's late and my memory isn't always the best.

I blushed knowing that some of the things I'd written weren't always favorable and early on some of my writing was, well to me it seems shallow. I don't really edit myself when I journal but these days I try to be more objective and less wrapped up in my own emotions.

I still feel like I have a lot left to learn, I don't think one ever stops learning or runs out of things to improve on. If that happens then perhaps it's time to look at learning some new skills.

He's right though, I really have grown a lot over the years. He mentioned my writing about how I was having a hard time giving control over to him. I remember writing it and I remember the feelings of irritation and frustration I had. He seemed so demanding and this was my husband, the man I'd been practically equal to for about half my lifetime. It seemed like an impossible task at the time, I felt like I'd never be a good submissive for him. But now look at me, I'm his slave, I passed submissive and dove right into the deep end of the pool. lol

I have days when I don't feel like I'm being a good slave, but I realize now that it's not so much that I feel like I'm bad but that I'm not fulfilling my potential. I guess one of the major areas of growth for me is my self-esteem. I don't really see failure at a task as a reflection on my worth as a person. I'm not sure that words could do justice in expressing the gratitude I feel to my Master, my Sir, and my lady, for their help in this. I don't think I'd be as well along as I am without their encouragement and sometimes, less than gentle shoves to keep trying.

Journals can be an invaluable tool in D/s relationships or even in vanilla relationships. It gives a person a safe place to express themselves and for the partner, dominant or not, a microscope into the inner workings of their mate. Sometimes I think being able to read a journal that Master kept would be a boon. I don't always know if I'm pleasing him, sometimes I doubt myself as only a perfectionist can. *chuckles* Beyond the relationship benefits, a journal can be used for one's own personal growth. I find it extremely helpful to look back on my older entries to see where I was at that time and to see how I've progressed since then and maybe see areas where I still need some work. Of course, I could be the only one that thinks this because I'm a self-improvement junkie. *wry grins*

I like having a formal record of my life and of my growth as a person and as a submissive. I really like that my Master took the time today to point out that I really have grown. Thank you Master.

Tagged

I just found out that I've been tagged by Luna so, here we go with something fun. :-)

1)Total number of books I've owned.

I honestly don't know, I've never counted them. We'll just say I have a lot of books and leave it at that.

2) The last book I bought.

The Perfumed Sleeve by Laura Joh Rowland. It's a murder mystery set in Feudal Japan and is really well written.

3) The Last Book I read.

The last book I read was The Story of O by Pauline Réage and I'm currently re-reading The Marketplace by Laura Antoniou. Both are good lifestyle fiction books.

4)5 books that mean alot to you...

The Sleeping Beauty series by Anne Rice, written as R. N. Roquelaure, because they were gifted to me by my good friend elle.

A Spell for Chameleon by Piers Anthony because it's just one of those "comfort" reads.

The Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter series by Laurell K. Hamilton because they're excellent books and spiced with lots of sexy sex and not too little S&M and D/s.

The Mists of Avalon by Marion Zimmer Bradley because it is a well-written female positive version of the Arthurian legend.

Green Eggs and Ham by Dr. Seuss because it was HRS's (Her Royal Shortness) favorite book when she was an itsy bitsy thing who made me read it to her so many times over that I practically knew it by heart.

5) Tag 5 people and have them fill this out on their blogs.

I'm going to leave it open and say, if you read me and want to, answer these questions on your own journal and leave me a note letting me know. :-)

New Beginnings

Please bear with me as I try to get moved in here, moving is never easy.

Since my journal has a new home it seems only right that it should have a new name too, something more authentic I think. It's my pleasure to unveil, Simply Joy.

This journal will be adult in nature, I'll be discussing things related to S&M, Master and slave relationships and sometimes plain old mundane stuff. But mostly, S&M and M/s as that is the purpose of this journal.

Here we go!

Joy

Simple things

I feel accomplished today, and content. I began an exercise routine yesterday that I am able to do from start to finish. I also slicked up the house a bit. It's amazing how good I can feel just by sitting and surveying the clean home around me. I'd love to reduce some more of the clutter but it might have to wait.

I'm sore all over today and there's a pinchy feeling in my back but it feels good if you can believe that. I hurt because I did some very positive things yesterday. It's a good hurt because I know it's just unused muscles protesting what they think is abuse. The more I exercise the less they'll protest and I look forward to that.

Master is working tons of OT this week so we have very little time together. But the time we do have is what I'd call quality time. We pack lots of laughter and loving into it and even a spanking or two.

It's the simple things like this that really make life good. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in the misery of the moment that I forget to take pleasure in the simple things. I'm glad I have moments of clarity, like I did today, to remind me.

Exposed

It came as a surprise to me yesterday after I'd gotten out of the shower when Master, lying on the bed relaxing, ordered me to turn around and expose my anus to him. I had to spread each cheek open and jut my behind out, "as if you're presenting it to me" he said.

It was difficult to switch from a routine that I feel compelled to complete, to complying with Master's request, which is also compelling.

I must have turned several different shades of red as I did this. He oohed and ahhed behind me as I complied. I stood there for a short time then I continued on with my after shower routine, get dressed and do my hair.

Short though it was, that moment stayed with me throughout the day and even into bedtime. I laid there and thought about the effect his simple command had on me.

I felt objectified in a way I'd never felt it before. I felt so thoroughly exposed, though he's seen every inch of my flesh many times. I felt vulnerable, owned, embarrassed, and confused.

Why confused? I enjoyed a situation and feelings that I never thought I'd enjoy; I've got some serious issues with humiliation. But this was done in a way and in a setting, which made it a positive experience. I think in part, it played into my exhibitionist tendencies which made it easier to cope with. It was private, intimate, a simple act to please my Master.

Though I fantasized about being made to repeat the experience in front of others, I'm not sure it would be as positive as the private experience was. It would lack the intimacy and, for lack of a better word, specialness that the private moment had.

In private it was a serious moment of submission for me. I had to drop everything I was doing and do something that was emotionally charged simply because my Master told me to, something that I would normally shy away from and actually have in the past.

Some part of me thinks that continued inspections like yesterday's would be a good thing. Yet, I think that they'd be much more effective done at random. Somehow I think, knowing my Master as I do he'd prefer doing it at random, if he chose to continue inspecting me. Doing it at random has the element of a mindf*ck which he so very much enjoys. I don't know if he's actually said it, but I'm pretty sure his favorite bit of me to play with is my mind.

Patience

I think this is a lesson I'm going to have to revisit time and again throughout my life. Each time I learn a little more about being patient and how to do so without being a huge, cranky, pain in the butt.

In the beginning, when I was very much younger, I had absolutely no patience. Immediate gratification was the name of my game. Save a treat for later? Right. Dessert after dinner? Are you kidding?
I had to know the sex of each of my children months before they were born so I could prepare and plan for them.

I'd like to believe that I'm more patient now but I don't think that's true. I'm better at keeping my impatience to myself. I don't pester people too often if I'm waiting for someone to do something. If someone tells me they've got a surprise for me, I pretend indifference and wait until they're ready to give it to me.

However, I've not been very patient with Master. He's been going through a valley in his feelings of dominance and sadism. It seems I'm near a peak in my submission as far as needs are concerned though I'm bottoming out in terms of service.

I've not been very patient and I feel as though I've been way too plaintive about it. My goal is to be able to state a need and then let go of it, detach myself from the outcome. I don't know if that's possible but it's sure worth a try.

I haven't felt as useful in my service to him but I don't really think that's due to anything he's done or hasn't done. More so, I think it's due to some feelings of depression I've been having. I've let more than one of my responsibilities go by the wayside simply because I haven't got the energy to care about it.

Life always has a way of keeping a person on his or her toes and sometimes, off balance, just to see what we'll do. Is "life" a sentient being that does malicious things to keep us hopping? No, not really, but I do believe more obstacles are thrown in our paths at certain times as opportunities for learning and growth. It's up to us what we do with those opportunities. This time around I've been doing a lot of moping around and acting like I've got such a hard life. I can be really thick sometimes and it usually takes the clue by four to make the lesson sink in.

So, that's where I'm at right now. I'm realizing that these recent bouts of obstacles are all about patience. I need to learn more, gain more patience, real patience, not the pretend kind.