Confused

I don't understand why he doesn't take advantages of opportunities that present themselves. I feel kind of hurt and rejected when he doesn't. Then I get cranky because I'm positively seething with need. It's just no good if I have to say to him "Dom me dangit!" what's the point then? He's doing it because I asked for it, not because he wants to.

I know that seems really silly, most would probably say "At least he's doing it." But there's a world of difference between him asserting his dominance because he wants to and doing it because I asked for it. It's like the difference between eating a frozen pizza and a fresh one from a really good pizza place. The frozen pizza is OK and serves to nourish you with a pizza-like flavor, the other is an experience to be savored and enjoyed and it sates your craving for pizza.

I think we're stuck in a viscious cycle and I'm probably part of the problem. He's been extremely relaxed and laid back, almost vanilla. I'm still serving out of habit and because that's one thing he still expects. But when it comes to other things, I've taken on the attitude of "Why bother? You're not going to do anything if I don't." It's a horrible attitude to have, disrespectful, and intolerable. Yet, here I am, cranky and full of attitude. Sometimes I need to be forced. I know that he shouldn't have to force me and I'm betting that he likely feels as if it's not worth it if he has to force me. I just wish he'd be consistent.

I understand he's tired, he's exhausted, he's giving all he has to his work in order to keep our family afloat and his meds seem to have taken a lot of the vigor out of him. Understanding the reasons doesn't change the fact that I feel neglected. I feel like I'm the only one that wants the M/s right now.

I often wonder if behaving myself and doing all my duties will help the situation. The cynical side of me asks if it's helped up to this point. I don't know the answers, maybe there aren't any.