Struggling

As often happens when I'm struggling with something, I got caught up in my upset and feelings of frustrations and I journaled.

I should have waited until I was clearer of head to write. Then again, perhaps the writing has aided in clearing my head, one can never be sure.

So, the fact of the matter is, I'm struggling in my slavery. I'm feeling lost and without direction and I'm struggling to continue to submit in what I feel is an absence of direction and control. I hate being unsure and feeling lost and I get a bit cranky and probably overly dramatic over it all.

In the clear light of day though, I realize that I've committed to this and that means I have to soldier on, I have to continue to do the work even when it seems as if he's withdrawn some. Unless he says "I release you" he still owns me and that doesn't exempt me from behaving as I should.

I think I stopped trusting him when I felt his control was missing. Without checking to see if he'd vacated it, I jumped into the driver's seat and took over. I don't know why I do this, especially when what I need at the time is more control from him. I suppose it's a lack of trust, or rather a fear that my trust was misplaced, that drove me. It's not an excuse, but it is a reason.

I owe him a huge apology and a much better behaved slave, if he'll still have me.