Patience

I think this is a lesson I'm going to have to revisit time and again throughout my life. Each time I learn a little more about being patient and how to do so without being a huge, cranky, pain in the butt.

In the beginning, when I was very much younger, I had absolutely no patience. Immediate gratification was the name of my game. Save a treat for later? Right. Dessert after dinner? Are you kidding?
I had to know the sex of each of my children months before they were born so I could prepare and plan for them.

I'd like to believe that I'm more patient now but I don't think that's true. I'm better at keeping my impatience to myself. I don't pester people too often if I'm waiting for someone to do something. If someone tells me they've got a surprise for me, I pretend indifference and wait until they're ready to give it to me.

However, I've not been very patient with Master. He's been going through a valley in his feelings of dominance and sadism. It seems I'm near a peak in my submission as far as needs are concerned though I'm bottoming out in terms of service.

I've not been very patient and I feel as though I've been way too plaintive about it. My goal is to be able to state a need and then let go of it, detach myself from the outcome. I don't know if that's possible but it's sure worth a try.

I haven't felt as useful in my service to him but I don't really think that's due to anything he's done or hasn't done. More so, I think it's due to some feelings of depression I've been having. I've let more than one of my responsibilities go by the wayside simply because I haven't got the energy to care about it.

Life always has a way of keeping a person on his or her toes and sometimes, off balance, just to see what we'll do. Is "life" a sentient being that does malicious things to keep us hopping? No, not really, but I do believe more obstacles are thrown in our paths at certain times as opportunities for learning and growth. It's up to us what we do with those opportunities. This time around I've been doing a lot of moping around and acting like I've got such a hard life. I can be really thick sometimes and it usually takes the clue by four to make the lesson sink in.

So, that's where I'm at right now. I'm realizing that these recent bouts of obstacles are all about patience. I need to learn more, gain more patience, real patience, not the pretend kind.