Growth

Master read through my entire journal today, he read the archives, some he'd never had the privilege of seeing because they were on a previous incarnation of my journal; before I'd told him I had an online journal, before I'd offered it up for his perusal.

He told me it was interesting to see how I'd grown and changed over time, I believe the word he used was improved but it's late and my memory isn't always the best.

I blushed knowing that some of the things I'd written weren't always favorable and early on some of my writing was, well to me it seems shallow. I don't really edit myself when I journal but these days I try to be more objective and less wrapped up in my own emotions.

I still feel like I have a lot left to learn, I don't think one ever stops learning or runs out of things to improve on. If that happens then perhaps it's time to look at learning some new skills.

He's right though, I really have grown a lot over the years. He mentioned my writing about how I was having a hard time giving control over to him. I remember writing it and I remember the feelings of irritation and frustration I had. He seemed so demanding and this was my husband, the man I'd been practically equal to for about half my lifetime. It seemed like an impossible task at the time, I felt like I'd never be a good submissive for him. But now look at me, I'm his slave, I passed submissive and dove right into the deep end of the pool. lol

I have days when I don't feel like I'm being a good slave, but I realize now that it's not so much that I feel like I'm bad but that I'm not fulfilling my potential. I guess one of the major areas of growth for me is my self-esteem. I don't really see failure at a task as a reflection on my worth as a person. I'm not sure that words could do justice in expressing the gratitude I feel to my Master, my Sir, and my lady, for their help in this. I don't think I'd be as well along as I am without their encouragement and sometimes, less than gentle shoves to keep trying.

Journals can be an invaluable tool in D/s relationships or even in vanilla relationships. It gives a person a safe place to express themselves and for the partner, dominant or not, a microscope into the inner workings of their mate. Sometimes I think being able to read a journal that Master kept would be a boon. I don't always know if I'm pleasing him, sometimes I doubt myself as only a perfectionist can. *chuckles* Beyond the relationship benefits, a journal can be used for one's own personal growth. I find it extremely helpful to look back on my older entries to see where I was at that time and to see how I've progressed since then and maybe see areas where I still need some work. Of course, I could be the only one that thinks this because I'm a self-improvement junkie. *wry grins*

I like having a formal record of my life and of my growth as a person and as a submissive. I really like that my Master took the time today to point out that I really have grown. Thank you Master.