Burnout

I think I'm a bit burned out. A few years ago I allowed myself to be encouraged and talked into running for the board (leadership) of our local BDSM group. It has been a good experience for me, actually it's been really great. I've learned a lot and it's helped me to come a little further out of the shell I was hiding in.

Then, last year, I had the brilliant idea that our group needed a space for the submissives to talk freely. I'd noticed that we'd had a lot of good topics at other discussions but that the dominants tended to rule the discussions. I don't hold this against them, it's what they do, and I think sometimes we submissives and slaves fall into the habit of keeping quiet while the dominants talk, occasionally piping up to voice an opinion, at least I do. I find myself somewhat intimidated by numerous dominants and my natural inclination is to become part of the background and just listen. I do that a lot in day to day life, I'm more of a listener than a talker.

Anyway, I brought my idea to my fellow board members and Bob's your uncle, I was nominated to create the group and to lead it. At first I was inspired, driven, and really excited. I was also nervous and petrified at having to speak in front of all these people; knowing them didn't ease my anxiety. Have I ever mentioned that I truly hate public speaking? During the first speech I gave in my college speech class, I shook from head to toe. My shaking was visible, especially to the gal in the front row who said "Oh my gawd she's shaking!" Yeah, that helps.

Anyway, I got through the first forum and went on to lead many more. Just after the first of the year, I began to feel it. Burnout. I began to dread the forum and I was mentally exhausted afterwards. Then I had the brilliant idea of changing to an every other month format with the hopes that that would ease my burnout. But I don't think it has. I'm hard pressed to create good presentations.

Yet, at the same time I still have the desire to lead, to give back to my fellows in leather. I think it's uber important for there to be resources for those already in the lifestyle and for those just coming in. It doesn't seem that there are too many out there, at least in our community, that have the time or the energy to give to make these things happen. I can't seem to just walk away, I feel a sense of responsibility to keep things going. So, since I'm able and I'm willing, I step up and do what needs doing.

I've really gotten a lot out of being in leadership positions, my public speaking skills have improved and I'm more outgoing than I once was. I've gained a lot of self-confidence too. I just wish I had some help, some support. I feel like I'm all alone sometimes and only a few appreciate the work I'm doing. Not that being appreciated is necessary, but it sure does go a long way toward making all the work seem worthwhile. Y'know?

I'm not sure yet what I'm going to do. I would like to find a co-leader for the submissive's forum, possibly alternate months for presenting topics. I'm afraid that Master and m'Lady will force me to step down from the board and let the forum go if they think I'm burned out. I sincerely hope they don't. These things mean a lot to me and I've gotten so much out of it. I just need to find a way to refresh myself and to get re-inspired; to recharge.