Bad Calls

Last night at work I had my first bad call. My first name caller, insulter, and all-around jerk. He was trying to get out of paying a sizeable bill and got upset when I wouldn't do what he wanted, whatever that was.

However I may sound now, the call shook me up last night. There's a certain amount of violence, in my opinion, in trying to intimidate, insult, and swear at, a stranger. Perhaps the person wouldn't act that way face to face, perhaps the phone made him feel powerful. I don't know. All I do know is that it took a good part of the night to shake the feeling of being unsafe.

Another aspect of the call that bothers me is the way I handled it. I'm not sure I handled it correctly and being the perfectionist I am, it's driving me nuts. I won't be able to let that part go until I talk it over with my trainer tonight. I made notes on the man's account so that if he happens to call back and tries to tell tales about me to someone else, they'll know my side of it.

Folks at work are pretty blase about these types of phone calls, perhaps I will be too, eventually. But for now, it bothers me that one human being can be so cruel to another.

Back to School

Today was the first day of the fall term for me. I was totally amazed to see the sheer numbers of students, I've never seen a campus so utterly full of people. Traffic was backed up for about a half mile outside campus and parking lots were nearly full by 8 a.m. I ended up parking in the lot across from the lot I normally park in (the one directly in front of the building my classes are in). Still, it was a gorgeous morning so I was game for the extra little hike I'd have to make.

Little did I know it was going to become a big hike. Once I was inside the building and found the room the class was supposed to be in I was met with a dark room and a little sign that said the class had been moved to another room in another building. A building, I might add, whose location I had no knowledge of. Luckily a good Samaritan hobbled along on her crutches, saw my dilemma and commiserated with me. I told her I had no idea where the building was and she told me how to get to it. Yay! So, off I went and soon found the building and after a few short minutes and more kindly directions, I found my classroom. It was in a strange section, I had to walk past display cases with preserved, dissected, animals on one side and various stuffed birds on the other. That was decidedly creepy. The classroom itself smelled a bit off and looked a lot like my 7th grade science classroom. *shudders*

The class itself looks to be an easy one and the instructor seems okay. So, I think I'll enjoy my Monday and Wednesday mornings even if I do have to get up at an inhuman hour.

When I got home I logged onto my online course, medical terms 1, and it looks to be an interesting class. I'm always excited about learning new things, things I have next to no knowledge about. I'm weird that way. I've got assignments due in that class already which I'll probably delve into tonight after work and tomorrow before transcription class. I'll end the week with Friday's four hour medical computer applications class. Yay.

On Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays I'll be heading directly to work from school. It's going to be difficult and I know I'm going to be tired but I feel very focused and my eye is firmly on achieving the goal of earning this degree and beginning my career.

I owe Master a huge debt of gratitude, if it weren't for him managing the homestead I wouldn't be able to do this at all. I'm extremely lucky and extremely thankful for him. Thank you Master for your support and encouragement, it means the world to me.

Date Night and Other Stuff

Last night Master and I had an impromptu date night. We went and saw Mr. & Mrs. Smith at the discount theatre. All I can say is it was definitely worth the wait. That one is going on my DVD wishlist. *g*

Yesterday afternoon we had the place to ourselves and had a little adult time. Master spanked me fiercely and then gave me one of the most intense orgasms I've had in quite a while. It was extra good because we could both yell and make loads of noise since all the kids were gone. Woo-Hoo!

Last night was odd though. Master and I watched an old episode of Real Sex and then went up to bed. He started picking on me and doing silly things that drive me nuts just because he wanted to see my reactions. It all came about because while we were downstairs I made the comment that I really didn't like the soft "making love" that they were showing on TV.
Upstairs he kept touching me soft and was being silly about it. I alternated between laughing and batting his hands away and feeling a bit violent. I get that way sometimes when things get irritating and Master has always been able to get me to that point, he thinks it's a talent. lol

At one point he threatened to sit down and pluck hairs on me, I was very resistant to the idea and this is when things turned serious. He asked me if it wasn't his right to do so if he desired. I wouldn't answer, I didn't want to give the answer and I really don't know why. I was just so irritated by the other stuff and I was feeling sort of defiant so I gave half answers, tried to redirect the conversation, and was a general smart alec.

Suddenly Master grabbed my legs, pulling them up he thrust himself against me and had me breathless. If he'd continued with that I'd have been his melty little puddle of submissive goodness. But that wasn't what he wanted yet. He then dropped my legs and started with the irritating stuff again. He carried on like that for a little while and as suddenly as before, he grabbed a fistfull of my hair and pulled me around on the bed a bit. This really threw me for a loop. I felt off balance by this sudden change of events, he was fierce and cold and mocking my whimpers.

Tears filled my eyes when he told me to position myself on the bed. I tried to control them, I really didn't understand why they were there. I did manage to get the tears to stop and Master proceeded with a rather delicious caning. Afterwards he told me I needed it and I understood what he meant. It helped to center me and bring me back to the obedience he expected from me. In that moment I felt extremely lucky to be his.

Today has been a lazy day, sort of. We slept in and Master had a nap. I got some cleaning and laundry done. When Master woke from his nap he cooked the family a delicious meal while I cleaned our bathroom and had a late shower. Now I'm sitting here relishing all my little aches left over from yesterday and mentally preparing myself for the first day of my classes tomorrow.

In just a few short minutes Master and I will watch HBO's new show, Rome. Life is good.

One Dimensional

One very frustrating thing about reading books or articles about Lifestyle issues is that they're very one dimensional. We're only seeing a tiny snippet of the whole that is D/s or M/s from the author's perspective.

What about the humanity? What about the bad days? What about the good days? What about the fun? Is there any fun? These are the questions that pop into my head when I'm reading. Perhaps Master and I are unusual, we have a lot of fun together and he's not afraid of losing control over me because he's letting me tease him about things. It doesn't take much for him to make the shift from partner to Master and to rein me in again.

That's why I enjoy reading Lifestyle blogs so much. I get to see the humanity, I get to see the good, the bad, and the fun. It helps me to know I'm not alone in this huge world. Sometimes I do need a little outside validation, it's nice to know that I'm not doing it "wrong" even though I know there is no right or wrong way to live this Lifestyle.

I especially enjoy the couples blogs because I get to see life from both perspectives and that is a rare gift in my opinion. Sometimes I wish I could get Master to write here, even to comment, but he's just not much of an online person. He's satisfied with reading what I have to say and talking to me about it later.

Addendum to Humility and Pride

These are the definitions I'm working with when I talk about pride.

Pride:
1. satisfaction with self: the happy satisfied feeling somebody experiences when having or achieving something special that other people admire took great pride in his work
2. proper sense of own value: the correct level of respect for the importance and value of your personal character, life, efforts, or achievements Defeat didn't damage her pride.

The more I think on it, the more I can see that for some, slavery entails giving up at least some of that sense of self. I'm thankful for variety because I've been self-effacing in a negative way and it was extremely unhealthy, I'm fearful of falling back into that way of being again. I still have a difficult time accepting compliments because I don't always feel worthy of them, and I'm still uncomfortable with having attention focused on me.

I think I can be a good slave without giving up my sense of self and without giving up the positive bits of pride that I have.

Humility and Pride

I was reading Slavecraft last night and came across an essay about humility. In it the author talked about pride being a negative thing for him and his slavehood. He also talked about humility being a goal for him as a slave. Some of the examples were not taking credit for work he's done, sitting on the most uncomfortable chairs and leaving the comfy ones for the Master he serves, etc.

Imagine, if you will, my brain screeching to a halt at these words. I don't think pride is a negative thing unless one becomes cocky or arrogant and I don't understand the line of thinking that says it is negative in and of itself. I take pride in doing a job well, this feeds into my self-esteem and self-confidence which leads to me being mentally healthy and happy. I guess I just don't understand how a person can't have even just a teensy bit of pride, for me it's a natural reaction when I've done a job well.

For me, the whole pride as a negative smacks of my Baptist beginnings which tried to convince me I was evil because I was female. *note: I am not making generalizations about all Baptists this was just my experience in one church* So maybe I'm having a knee-jerk reaction to the essay on humility and I need to give it another read without the filters.

Right now my ideas on the subject feel very solid. Pride, in moderation, is a good thing. I didn't always take pride in myself, I didn't care how I looked, I can only describe my previous appearance as dumpy. I wore any old thing, the baggier the better, and I didn't do much with my hair. When I see old pictures of myself I just want to burn them. I really looked horrid and what's worse, I remember how awful I always felt. It took years to build my self-esteem up to what it is now and part of that process involved learning to take a little pride in myself and in the things I did. Another part of the process has involved my learning to accept compliments, I had no concept of my self-worth.

I'm not saying that I think humility is a bad thing either, I think humility is the balance for pride, it keeps us from becoming arrogant or cocky.

My lack of understanding of the author's viewpoint is likely due to the type of owner I belong to and the way we came to M/s. He encourages me to retain my personhood, I'm not sure he'd like me if I were more humble, and possibly self-effacing. He seems to enjoy my spirited, cheeky, and passionate nature and even does things to invoke each aspect at certain times.

I guess it's only natural, when confronted with another way of doing things, to examine one's own way of doing things to see if there's something that could be improved. Maybe it's only natural for me. That's what I'm doing right now, looking for that which needs improved. However, unless Master says otherwise, I don't think I'm giving up the bit of pride I have in myself and the things I do.

Hot Patootie, Bless My Soul!

I'm watching Rocky Horror Picture Show and enjoying some much sought-after quiet time while attempting to get sleepy enough to go to bed. Yes, I know, RHP is not really conducive to sleep what with the Time Warp and all but I must try.

The next few days will be busy and full as we get the kids ready to start school again this week. Read: see me adjusting to an early morning schedule again. I'm not looking forward to that part of the new school year.

I've been doing a bit of pleasure reading here and there. I finished The Slave, the second in The Marketplace series. This one actually evoked a bit of an emotional response in me, the first one didn't do that at all, it was simply titillating. I look forward to reading the next one when I get the opportunity. I'm also delving into Slavecraft while letting The Surrendered Wife take a short trip to the back burner.

Other than that it's business as usual. I think we've found a balance but I'm afraid that will all be turned upside down when I begin classes again next week. I know we'll figure things out as they come, in the meantime I'm remembering to do the little things that help keep me sane.

Still Here

Contrary to appearances I haven't dropped off the face of the Earth. No, instead I've had a summer cold and it kicked my butt for a few days. I'm happily feeling a bit better today.

I'm still working and it looks like they may work with my school schedule which right now seems like a blessing. The only downside is that I may not be able to be on the dedicated team I was hired for which kind of sucks. I don't mind the work but it's frazzling sometimes to have to know, or at least be able to find, information for numerous clients. Being on a dedicated team for one client whose information I'd eventually know inside and out would be, well, heavenly. I really hate not knowing things when I'm expected to know them. I dislike feeling like I'm out of my depth, it makes me feel vulnerable and insecure and that just blows goats.

I went and picked up my buttload of books for the fall term and was just blown away by the size, weight, and amount of books that I have to have. Good grief! A person could be killed by a sturdy blow to the head with my medical dictionary. Yeah, who knew books could be weapons, leave it to me to think of it. *eg*

Master's been feeling extra frisky lately, I have no idea why but I'm not about to question it. Last night as we were lying in bed he decided to spank me. I was lying on my side with my back to him reading and he pulled the blankets up, exposing my bottom and began to spank the uppermost cheek. I pretended indifference for a while, just being cheeky, and tried to continue reading while he spanked me. The truth is it felt awesome, I've become such a spanko lately and I'm not quite sure why, but I wasn't ready to tell him yet that I was enjoying it. He eventually ramped up the intensity to a point that I couldn't pretend any longer. I began to moan and squirm just a teensy bit. He alternated spanking with stroking my bottom with his hand and pressing his hard cock against it or stroking my breasts and pinching my nipples.

Eventually he tired of the spanking and decided orgasms were in order for both of us. Say no to an orgasm? Me? Surely you jest! I don't know what it is about midnight sex in the dark but it always seems more intense, hotter. He had me lying on my back with his fingers inside while I used the pocket rocket on my clit. I tell you, his fingers are magic, he knows exactly where to touch me inside, how much pressure to use, and at what speed to thrust his fingers in and out. It wasn't long before I felt the orgasm building then washing over me, I had to beg him to slow his thrusting fingers because it was so intense and just as he slowed down I felt another peak, as if another orgasm was beginning.. I was beside myself with pleasure, grunting and groaning into my pillow to muffle my noises. Then I was limp on the bed trying to catch my breath.

Instead of letting me rest and come down he tweaked my nipples and stroked my clit, enjoying my twitching and flailing. My entire body is hyper-sensitive after orgasm and little touches send me into uncontrollable spasms which gives him quite a thrill to see. After a short amount of time he tired of that and it was his turn. He had me get into position on the bed and using my ample wetness, slid in to the hilt. I gasped as his cockhead stroked that ever so sensitive spot inside me. It seems like his cock was made just for f*cking me, it's the perfect length and hits all the right spots every time. He started with a slow but steady pace but I was eager for a forceful f*cking so I thrust back against him trying to urge him to go faster. He resisted my urgings and kept his own pace. When he came he thrust so deeply that it made me gasp "So deep, so deep" and he thrust even deeper, I wanted to scream it felt so good.

Midnight sex... yeah, that's the best. *smiles*

Me Time

Yesterday I took everyone's advice and made some "me" time. After dinner I went upstairs, put a little "do not disturb except in case of emergency" sign on the door and locked myself in. I put on the Native American Flutes cd I have and after a shave, pedicure, and shower, I filled the tub with a little warmer than I like water and bubbles smelling of lavender and vanilla, lit some candles, and climbed in. I had a nice little soak and stayed in until I was good and pruney.

At some point I began to feel aroused and wished Master were home. *g* However, it was nice having a good chunk of alone time. I needed it.

After the bath I felt SO good, my skin was silky soft and I was relaxed and happy. The rest of the evening was just nice. I watched TV with LMR until Master came home and took me out for a short drive.

Today has been a lazy day which is OH so nice.

Oh, maybe I should mention that Friday night Master and I played and it was GOOD. It was the best way to start a weekend. He headed upstairs and called me up, I had no idea he'd been planning to play. When I got up there the blankets were off the bed and he had music playing. He helped me undress and then placed the blindfold on me. Normally I get skittish about it but I relaxed into it. He spanked me a bit then had me climb onto the bed and lie down. He gave me a thorough spanking then until I began to moan loudly into the pillow. That was goooooood. He did this a few times, each time the spanks becoming harder. Then he pulled out the dreaded Wartenburg Wheel. *shudders* I hate that thing, really I do. He tortures me with it, delighting in my desperate attempts to hold still all the while I'm shrieking and begging him to stop.

I ended up rolling all over the bed in an attempt to get away from him and that wheel and giggling too. Somewhere in there he alternated the wheel with sucking on my toes which just bothers me to no end. I don't find it erotic at all and will do my level best to escape if I can. I thought for sure it'd be a torture night but he had other plans.

He had me get back into position and flogged my backside from shoulders to thighs. It's too bad the floggers are so loud, he couldn't do too much with them. (we weren't alone in the house) I wasn't ready for him to stop, I loved the flogging the best.
He moved to this other toy we've got, I've no idea what to call it. I guess I'd describe it as a limp sjambok, the dang thing HURTS! It's a wicked, wicked, wicked toy and takes only the slightest tap to have a strong impact. He didn't use it long before he switched to the canes, thank goodness. He caned me until I was sobbing and screaming into the pillow and that was that. We snuggled then. I felt limp, wrung out, and positively relaxed. It wasn't long though before we found other things to entertain us. *g* Good play followed by good sex, that's the way I like to start a weekend.

Too Much on My Plate

As I laid awake in bed last night I began to think that maybe I've just got too much on my plate, or will have once the fall term at school starts. I have a job, I have school, I have my family, I have my responsibilities as a group leader. At the same time I'm trying to reconnect with my spirituality and improve myself as a slave.

Am I trying to have it all? I kept thinking over and over that maybe there's something I ought to give up for the time being. I mean, there's only so much multi-tasking this woman can do. At the end of the day I'm fried and pretty much useless. My body is telling me that it won't accept much more yet here I am fixing my school schedule so I won't be traveling back and forth to Ankeny twice in a day, instead I'll be spending four hours in class on Fridays and then four hours at work.

I'm starting to not bounce back after a night's work, the pain is starting to linger and sets in sooner at work. I'm not willing to admit defeat though, I suck it up and just deal with it. As he keeps telling me, there are people who work full-time and go to school. I just find myself wondering how many of them have families, are in service to their Masters, and have chronic pain. Maybe I'm just a wimp. I feel inadequate when compared to others because I can't just ignore the pain and I can't push much past my body's limits. I know he doesn't mean to but that's precisely what happens when he says things like that. I feel as if I'm being compared to those folks who can seem to manage school and a full-time job and I feel as if I've been found lacking.

Still, I try. I try to live up to his expectations of me while trying to live up to my own as well. All the while I feel like I'm drowning. And school hasn't even started yet.

A Chat With Master

Master: So, I read your journal. I see you're going to try to give up more control. I like that you want to give it up but I also like taking it too.

I think I grinned a lopsided grin at him at this point and didn't say much. I don't often unless something needs to be said.

I have to say that my favorite form of communication is written and Master doesn't seem to mind reading my journal. It usually sparks conversations and we come to deeper understandings. I'm not a very talkative person and won't often say much, Master, on the other hand, is a talkaholic. *grins* He could be domly and force me to speak and in cases where I'm upset he will, and that's probably good for me. But most of the time he seems happy to give me space to write and then takes time to read it and if there's something he wants to talk about, he will.

I feel like we've got a deeper understanding and clearer communication since he began reading my journals. He seems a lot more content too.

I thought it might be nice to give a little glimpse into our way of communicating. I don't talk much about it but that doesn't mean that it doesn't happen. We couldn't have a successful relationship without communication.

Give Up Control

As I mentioned in my last entry I'm reading the book The Surrendered Wife by Laura Doyle. I'm trying a bit of an experiment, I'm going to blog some of the exercises and the results. So far in my reading I think this book has an application to the M/s lifestyle.

One premise of the book is that some of us control freaks do so out of fear that has grown from past junk. That, in my experience, is pretty spot on. Another is that displaying a lack of trust in one's mate says that you made a bad choice and married someone "beneath" you. The key point is to surrender and trust, allow yourself to be vulnerable, thereby inviting more intimacy and allowing your mate to be himself, to be a man. I can go with the idea that surrendering will invite more intimacy and will allow him to be the Master he is.

So, the first "exercise" is to "list five situations where you've been controlling with your husband(in this case, Master) recently. For each situation, ask yourself what it was you were afraid would happen? Was your fear realistic? What was the worst-case scenario?"

1.) The air conditioning is wonky in my car and it takes a bit of a trick to get it going. Yesterday, and every day he drives, I tried yet again to explain how to do it without giving him the chance to just do it on his own.

I was afraid it would take longer to get the air conditioning going and that maybe he'd take off just assuming that it'd eventually get going.
It wasn't a realistic fear, he doesn't want to sweat any more than I do.
Worst-case scenario would be that we drove the whole way home with the air not running. Needing to control the situation didn't justify demonstrating a lack of trust in Master.

2.) Master is making a dish for dinner later this week that is "mine" and I was unsure if he knew how to make homemade mashed potatoes for it so I asked him if he knew how and had him talk me through it step by step correcting him along the way.

I was afraid the dish wouldn't turn out right and that night's dinner would be awful.
It wasn't a realistic fear, if he's unsure of how to make something he'll look it up or ask me how I do it, he's not helpless.
Worst-case scenario, he'd do it on his own and I'd come home to either a horrible mess or something else entirely. Not the end of the world.
My needing to control the situation wasn't justified.

3.) When discussing his sharing me with others I talk about my health concerns. I know that he's aware of my susceptibility to certain things but I bring these concerns up anyway knowing that instead of risking my health he'll likely back off the idea.

I am truly afraid of getting ill and have the opinion that he's not going to be as concerned about my health as I am. I'm also afraid of being rejected by these "others" because of my body.
My first fear isn't realistic, he takes his responsibility for me very seriously and my being out of commission due to illness isn't fun for him either. My second fear is realistic.
Worst-case scenario is he shares me with others and I get ill and am miserable for a few weeks or the others he wants to share me with recoil in revulsion and leave.
I want so badly to justify my need for controlling the situation with these fears but I can't. I have to trust in him to not only care for my body but my mind too.

4.) When he drives I give direction and watch his speed.

My fears are that we'll be late arriving, we'll get a ticket, or we'll get in an accident.
They are realistic fears but not things I can control.
The worst-case scenario would be that we arrived late, we got a ticket, or got in an accident.
These fears do not justify trying to control the situation and undermining him.

5.) Sometimes when Master gets off on a rant in public I will pat his leg in an effort to get him to quiet down a bit.

My fear is all to do with being embarrassed in public and possibly ostracized by others.
I don't know if this fear is realistic or not.
The worst-case scenario would be that Master said something to offend someone else leaving me feeling embarrassed and the other person chose to no longer speak to me as a result.
Needing to control this situation isn't justified.

The next step is to bite my tongue and let go, to surrender. This goes along with my trying to step back and ask if I can offer suggestions rather than blithely making them without regard to his desires or feelings.

Awkward slave

Yesterday was my first day off after my first week of work. I looked forward to it all week. Saturday Master and I would be attending our local group's munch together and spending time with our good friends. Saturday Master and I would reconnect.

I was happy and content until it came time to get ready for the munch then the world's worst case of nerves hit me. I felt hyper, nervous, and awkward. I had to shave Master's face and get myself ready. I felt like it was the first time I'd ever done it (shaving his face). I felt so awkward holding that razor, I even screwed up and began shaping sideburns for him instead of the partial beard that he'd requested. *sigh*

It was really strange, I felt giddy the rest of the day and was actually somewhat reserved in my behavior, more deferential to him than usual. I don't understand yet why I felt that way. It had only been about a week since I last shaved his face and it's not unusual to go a week without giving him a shave.

We had an excellent day that ended with us ending a week long sex drought. Perhaps I'll write about that tomorrow.

My birthday was today and I got gift cards from Master and m'Lady for Barnes and Noble. Right now I have The Surrendered Wife and a murder mystery book called The Cutting Room. I've got Slavecraft and The Slave on order. Yay for new books! I'm such a book slut. *g*

Day to Day

So life has been pretty dull lately. I started a new job this week and so far so good though we do get on the phones for the first time tonight. I hate being gone when Master gets home but I'm glad I get home early enough to spend part of the evening with him.

I'm feeling pressured, clustered, and closed in. I have finite time to get things done that need to be done. School starts again soon and that means another whole world of madness. I'm thinking that maybe I should change my schedule so I'm not driving back and forth to Ankeny twice a day two days a week, that's really insane. I'm surprised Master didn't point it out but then again, he's got other things to worry about.

We've both been stressed over money and it's left me feeling very unsexy and unsexual. That's hard because I want to take care of his needs, it's just that by the time we get ready for bed sex is the last thing on my mind. It's really frustrating for him but he's been kind and has given me space.

I'm hoping I'll find a rhythm and settle into a routine soon.