Too Much on My Plate

As I laid awake in bed last night I began to think that maybe I've just got too much on my plate, or will have once the fall term at school starts. I have a job, I have school, I have my family, I have my responsibilities as a group leader. At the same time I'm trying to reconnect with my spirituality and improve myself as a slave.

Am I trying to have it all? I kept thinking over and over that maybe there's something I ought to give up for the time being. I mean, there's only so much multi-tasking this woman can do. At the end of the day I'm fried and pretty much useless. My body is telling me that it won't accept much more yet here I am fixing my school schedule so I won't be traveling back and forth to Ankeny twice in a day, instead I'll be spending four hours in class on Fridays and then four hours at work.

I'm starting to not bounce back after a night's work, the pain is starting to linger and sets in sooner at work. I'm not willing to admit defeat though, I suck it up and just deal with it. As he keeps telling me, there are people who work full-time and go to school. I just find myself wondering how many of them have families, are in service to their Masters, and have chronic pain. Maybe I'm just a wimp. I feel inadequate when compared to others because I can't just ignore the pain and I can't push much past my body's limits. I know he doesn't mean to but that's precisely what happens when he says things like that. I feel as if I'm being compared to those folks who can seem to manage school and a full-time job and I feel as if I've been found lacking.

Still, I try. I try to live up to his expectations of me while trying to live up to my own as well. All the while I feel like I'm drowning. And school hasn't even started yet.