As I mentioned in my last entry I'm reading the book The Surrendered Wife by Laura Doyle. I'm trying a bit of an experiment, I'm going to blog some of the exercises and the results. So far in my reading I think this book has an application to the M/s lifestyle.
One premise of the book is that some of us control freaks do so out of fear that has grown from past junk. That, in my experience, is pretty spot on. Another is that displaying a lack of trust in one's mate says that you made a bad choice and married someone "beneath" you. The key point is to surrender and trust, allow yourself to be vulnerable, thereby inviting more intimacy and allowing your mate to be himself, to be a man. I can go with the idea that surrendering will invite more intimacy and will allow him to be the Master he is.
So, the first "exercise" is to "list five situations where you've been controlling with your husband(in this case, Master) recently. For each situation, ask yourself what it was you were afraid would happen? Was your fear realistic? What was the worst-case scenario?"
1.) The air conditioning is wonky in my car and it takes a bit of a trick to get it going. Yesterday, and every day he drives, I tried yet again to explain how to do it without giving him the chance to just do it on his own.
I was afraid it would take longer to get the air conditioning going and that maybe he'd take off just assuming that it'd eventually get going.
It wasn't a realistic fear, he doesn't want to sweat any more than I do.
Worst-case scenario would be that we drove the whole way home with the air not running. Needing to control the situation didn't justify demonstrating a lack of trust in Master.
2.) Master is making a dish for dinner later this week that is "mine" and I was unsure if he knew how to make homemade mashed potatoes for it so I asked him if he knew how and had him talk me through it step by step correcting him along the way.
I was afraid the dish wouldn't turn out right and that night's dinner would be awful.
It wasn't a realistic fear, if he's unsure of how to make something he'll look it up or ask me how I do it, he's not helpless.
Worst-case scenario, he'd do it on his own and I'd come home to either a horrible mess or something else entirely. Not the end of the world.
My needing to control the situation wasn't justified.
3.) When discussing his sharing me with others I talk about my health concerns. I know that he's aware of my susceptibility to certain things but I bring these concerns up anyway knowing that instead of risking my health he'll likely back off the idea.
I am truly afraid of getting ill and have the opinion that he's not going to be as concerned about my health as I am. I'm also afraid of being rejected by these "others" because of my body.
My first fear isn't realistic, he takes his responsibility for me very seriously and my being out of commission due to illness isn't fun for him either. My second fear is realistic.
Worst-case scenario is he shares me with others and I get ill and am miserable for a few weeks or the others he wants to share me with recoil in revulsion and leave.
I want so badly to justify my need for controlling the situation with these fears but I can't. I have to trust in him to not only care for my body but my mind too.
4.) When he drives I give direction and watch his speed.
My fears are that we'll be late arriving, we'll get a ticket, or we'll get in an accident.
They are realistic fears but not things I can control.
The worst-case scenario would be that we arrived late, we got a ticket, or got in an accident.
These fears do not justify trying to control the situation and undermining him.
5.) Sometimes when Master gets off on a rant in public I will pat his leg in an effort to get him to quiet down a bit.
My fear is all to do with being embarrassed in public and possibly ostracized by others.
I don't know if this fear is realistic or not.
The worst-case scenario would be that Master said something to offend someone else leaving me feeling embarrassed and the other person chose to no longer speak to me as a result.
Needing to control this situation isn't justified.
The next step is to bite my tongue and let go, to surrender. This goes along with my trying to step back and ask if I can offer suggestions rather than blithely making them without regard to his desires or feelings.
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