The Plan

This is my weight loss/getting fit plan. I think it's realistic but only time will tell if it's really doable. I've got just a wee bit of weight to lose so it's entirely possible that it will take me all of 2006 and part of 2007. But, until I get started I really don't know anything for certain.

You'll see that I've included some checks and balances that will help to keep me accountable, not only to myself but to Master. If I were only accountable to myself I'd give myself too many "freebies" and I'd get nowhere. I'm not the best taskmaster for myself. lol

So, without further gilding the lily (I love that phrase) here is my plan and you'll soon see why I called it the Anal Retentive Approach to Weight Loss. *grins*


Joy’s Short Term Weight Loss Goals

Lose 10 lbs by March 1, 2006

Steps to achieve this goal

1. Do Pilates at least 20 minutes per day 3 times per week.
2. Reduce sweets intake to once a week or less.
3. Reduce portion sizes by half or more depending on the dish.
4. Eat healthy snacks between meals to reduce hunger pangs and control cravings.
5. Drink at least 3 8oz. glasses of water per day.
6. Include at least two servings of dairy in my diet daily.
7. Make a daily “To Do” list that includes the day’s exercise which must be checked off before leaving the house for work, etc. Lists must be shown to The Boss each day. NO CHEATING.
8. Weigh-in/measure once a week and record it.

Lose 10 lbs by May 1, 2006

Steps to achieve this goal

1. Begin Walk Away The Pounds DVD program at least 20 minutes per day 3 times per week.
2. Continue Pilates at least 20 minutes per day 2-3 times per week.
3. Continue with healthy eating habits.
4. Increase water intake by 1-2 8oz glasses per day.
5. Continue to make daily “To Do” lists that contain the day’s exercise to be checked off before leaving for work, etc. List must be shown to The Boss each day.
6. Continue with weekly weigh-in/measurement report once a week.

Lose 10 lbs by July 1, 2006

Steps to achieve this goal

1. Begin Tribal Fusion Belly Dance DVD program at least 20 minutes per day 2-3 times per week. Possibly alternating belly dance and walking from week to week.
2. Continue Pilates at least 20 minutes per day 2-3 times per week.
3. Continue Walk Away The Pounds program at least 20 minutes per day 2-3 times per week.
4. Increase water intake by 1-2 8oz. glasses per day.
5. Continue with healthy eating habits.
6. Continue writing daily “To Do” lists including the day’s exercise to be checked off before leaving for work, etc. List must be shown to The Boss each day.


Joy’s Long Term Weight Loss Goals

Lose 60 lbs by January 1, 2007

Steps to achieve this goal

1. Begin exercise-Pilates-by January 3, 2006 and continue to do it at least 20 minutes per day 3 times per week.
2. Reduce portion sizes by half and reduce sweets intake to once a week or less.
3. Increase water intake to 3 8oz glasses per day, working up to 8, 8 oz. glasses per day.
4. By March 1, 2006 include Walk Away The Pounds program in exercise regimen. 20 minutes per day 2-3 times per week. Continue Pilates.
5. By March 1, 2006 increase water intake by 1-2 8oz. glasses per day and continue healthy eating habits.
6. By May 1, 2006 include Tribal Fusion Belly Dance program as part of exercise regimen-continuing Pilates and Walk Away The Pounds.
7. Continue healthy eating habits and increase water intake by 1-2 8oz. glasses per day.
8. Continue writing daily “To Do” lists including the day’s exercise to be checked off before leaving for work, etc. Lists must be shown to The Boss daily. NO CHEATING.
9. Increase duration and intensity of exercise as tolerated and as needed to continue steady weight loss improved physical fitness.

The Anal Retentive Approach to Weight Loss

You know, the more I read the title the more I think it should be made into a joke of some sort. It just sounds like it's going to be funny doesn't it?

But alas, in this case it isn't a funny. It's my "new and improved" approach to getting healthy. I had some small success last year, though I've gained a good portion of the weight I'd lost back. I proved to myself that I can lose weight. So I'm not feeling too daunted by the enormity of this task. I've broken it down into small, manageable, two-month chunks with steps to achieve that particular goal, with Master helping to keep me accountable. I think that part of my failure last year was that I didn't have a concrete plan and not enough accountability.

You see, I had a bit of an epiphany last night. Maybe that's not the right word for it, I was hit with the cosmic 2x4, yeah that's about right. I realized last night that it's more than likely that I'm heading into pre-menopause and have been for the past year. I'll get more information about that from the doc in late January. At any rate, when a woman goes into full menopause it brings a few health issues of its own in addition to greater difficulty losing weight. I decided that I don't want to go into menopause at my current weight; I'm convinced that if I do I'll be this size forever. I'm not ready to accept that as my reality.

I'm not ready to spend the rest of my life as unhealthy as I am. I want to be healthier, I want to feel good more often than I do. I know that exercise is the key to this. (Yes Master, you were right.) I know that exercise will improve my back pain. I also know I'm a lazy wench and I need a LOT of accountability. I've messaged m'Lady about jumping on my Get Fit bandwagon with visions of weekly reports to each other for added accountability and support. I tried a submissives only weight loss support group last year and while that was some help, I just didn't connect there the way I'd hoped and so it was easy to not keep up with it.

I'm scared that I'll start off strong and then gradually lose motivation as the year progresses like I did last year. I'd lost about 15 pounds when I started slacking off last year. My Yahoo weight progress chart stares at me accusingly every time I go to My Yahoo page. I haven't cleared it out. I know Master has a hard time staying focused and motivated too and I'm counting on him as my support so I'm scared that we'll let each other down in this endeavor.

I don't know if I'll post much here about it, I'm sure there'll be the occasional post about my struggles and frustrations. I'm sure too that there'll be some rantings as I detox from sugar. Yes, sugar is addictive, I had physical proof last year when I gave it up. When I'd been about two weeks without sugar I no longer craved sweets and they didn't sound appealing when offered. Then for no reason other than "we deserve this sweet as a treat", we'd have a sugary treat and I'd begin craving sweets all over again after just one serving of sweets.

Right now I'm planning. I have written out short-term goals with steps to achieve them and long-term goals with steps to achieve those too. I've got a lot of new behaviors to learn and I've decided that doing it slowly will be best 'else I'll get gung-ho and will end up quitting before I've barely begun. I have the tools and I'm gathering the support, now do I have the fortitude to see this through? It's so much easier to just relax and eat what and when I want.

Integration

A post on our local group's e-mail list about ageplay got me to thinking about my own interest in ageplay and the seeming lack of it in the past year or so. I'm also reminded of something M said early on in my ageplay explorations, he said that he didn't understand why I compartmentalized it. If he wants to act like a child and jump in a pile of leaves he does. He doesn't set aside time to do so.

During those early explorations if I was going to let my inner kid out we set time aside for it because it was very disconcerting for me to have to "grow up" in a matter of minutes. If my IK (inner kid) was out she was out and I refused to access the rest of me. In that way I compartmentalized it, it was something I did not something I was, even though I often did things my IK likes and watched Disney movies just 'cause even when my IK wasn't being let out.

These days we don't set aside time to do ageplay, he has simply become my Daddy, among other things. I feel integrated, my IK is part of who I am, if I feel like being silly I do so, if I feel like watching a Disney movie, I do. He knows I love Disney movies and often, even if he doesn't like the particular movie I want to watch, he'll let me watch them. I don't have to set aside time to let my IK out, he doesn't have to set aside time to be my Daddy. We just are, Daddy and his lil girl, along with being Master and slave, husband and wife, man and woman.

These things are all facets of who we are.

In the early days I set my submission aside too, it was something I had to put on and take off due to circumstances. Pretty soon it became apparent that it wouldn't work like that forever. It's funny how that happens for me, eventually things I thought were things I did became things I was/am.

I realized last night that it'd been a while since I'd posted here. I lay there in bed thinking about the service I'd just performed for Master and decided perhaps I should put those thoughts in print.

At first I was reluctant to perform any sexual service, I wasn't in the mood. During the week my libido peeks in the afternoon and then goes into hibernation during and after work. So, when Master stripped and got into bed I began to dread having to finally go to him. I just wanted to curl up in bed with my new book and relax. I actually tried to put it off and hoped he'd get tired of waiting for me. I know, bad slave.

Eventually I got my head in the right place and began stroking his cock soft and slow just the way he likes it. Once he was erect I began to get into it myself. I thrilled in the feel of his cock in my hand, it feels like iron wrapped in warm velvet. I felt awed to be holding his cock, it seems so powerful to me, so forceful, and demanding. I love it.

I delighted in his soft gasps and the way his entire body tensed up in anticipation of orgasm. A tingling began between my legs when he said "Swallow me". By the time I'd finished I was raring to go. In the past I'd have pouted and been upset because he "teased" me and left me "hanging". But last night, none of that, I was just happy to have made him feel good. It's weird the way my brain works sometimes.

I just wish I could change my reaction to performing sexual service when I'm not in the mood. At times like that I momentarily forget that it isn't about me. I'd like to feel that happy-to-please-him goodness before and after but for now I'll settle for being able to hold my tongue and not express my lack of desire.

Christmas Party and The Beast

Over the weekend Master and I went to a Christmas dinner/gift exchange/play party. It was great fun, the food was wonderful (and plentiful) as was the company. The gift exchange was fun, I got to watch someone really enjoy one of the gifts we'd brought. I love giving gifts, I really like seeing someone else enjoy something I've given them. It just makes me all warm and fuzzy inside.

Then it came time to play and play we did. I got in a little trouble for asking him if I should remove my panties along with everything else. I know that's what he wants but I keep hoping he'll allow me that small bit of modesty. Silly girl.

I watched him pick out a few toys as I undressed and knew I'd be in for more than just a good sound beating. He'd pulled out that despicable Wartenburg wheel. Still, I was game and got into the spirit of it all. I know he enjoys getting reactions so I give them to him whenever he "requests" them. Even if it's only a low growl in the back of my throat, I'm reacting. But the Wartenburg wheel makes me dance, makes me giggle, scream, kick, and want to take it away from him. He gets a lot of enjoyment out of that one little toy. It simply wears me out because I simply cannot remain passive and take it stoically. As soon as it comes out and I hear the wheel being turned (he does this to torture me I'm sure) I begin to wiggle and my mind switches to fight or flight mode. I can honestly say, I've never been so relieved as when he finally put the wheel away.

I can't recall the sequence of events, even if I sit down to write about it right after it happens it all sort of runs together in my memory. The one thing that really stands out in my mind is when he brought out the canes. I wasn't ready for the sting (am I ever?) and I began to get a bit angry and fought back. Of course this just pushed all of his buttons and called his predatory instincts into play. This is what I call playing with The Beast. I know it's going to push his buttons if I fight back but I do it anyway, I like it when he goes feral. That's when my buttons get pushed and I go into a very deep primal space. Unfortunately that didn't happen Saturday night. He took me well in hand and caned me into submission. When he'd finished I was (happily) in tears. I felt languid afterwards and didn't want to move so he just released my hands and leaned against the equipment we'd been using while I came back to myself enough to move.

Despite enjoying playing with The Beast I'm always happy when Master comes back and cuddles me afterwards. I don't think I could live with The Beast.

Obedience

From Kindlings
Do you find obedience to be easy for you?

The short answer would be yes, and no. I think a lot of this depends on what one would consider to be obedience. Is doing what you're told while making smartarsed remarks obedience?

I am a smartalec, I can't seem to stop the snappy comments that pop into my head and often fall out of my mouth before I can even think about them. BUT, that's part of how Master and I relate to one another, always have. We tease and taunt each other, often making witty jabs at one another and giggling afterwards.

I have rebellious thoughts and sometimes voice them while I'm doing what was requested. The kid in me would like to argue that that is obedience, I'm doing what I'm told right? If Master were more strict with me then perhaps it wouldn't be.

I guess obedience doesn't come easily to me. But I do try.

Tug of War

Some days I feel like I'm in the middle of a tug of war. On one side is Master and the other is our nearly grown son. As he's gotten older (ZBoy) he's challenged Master's authority more and more, mine as well. He's at a point now where he believes he can tell us how things are going to be and when we put the proverbial foot down, he explodes in a childish wrath and spits venom and fury at us.

Last night was another such occasion, I was at work when it happened. This time ZBoy dragged me right into the center of it by accusing his father of abusing me. I never thought in a million years that I would be accused of being abused in any shape or form. The only basis for his accusation? His father has the last word in all things. Sometimes I just want to shake ZBoy and explain just what abuse is. I've never been so NOT abused in my life.

We've tried to explain to ZBoy that we live the way we do because it makes us happy but he either can't or chooses not to see it. Maybe he doesn't remember the bitter arguments his father and I once had. Maybe he doesn't remember how miserable we both were, how unhappy. Doesn't he see now the way we constantly touch each other? Doesn't he hear the endearments we say to each other? If he doesn't see any of that, doesn't he at least see that I'm happier than I've ever been?

I'm really troubled by ZBoy's belief that I'm abused. He's never witnessed anything overt, I thought we'd been careful to keep things under wraps. Yes, I serve him his food and drinks and yes, he has the last word. But that's all the kids have ever seen. They've never seen him punish me, never seen our SM play, never seen the resulting marks either. All they have seen is me serving him and deferring to him in decisions.

I guess I'd blame our culture, if blame is to be laid, that states if a woman chooses to give up control to a man then she's obviously downtrodden and abused in some way because, after all, women are equal to men and don't have to do that anymore. Of course this could send me off on a tangent about the problems modern feminism has caused but I'll leave that for another day.

I don't know what to do about this son of ours, but I'm uncomfortable knowing he believes I'm abused. I've tried to explain, many times, but he won't listen. Sometimes I'd just like to take a vacation and leave them to sort it out for themselves.