Where Did It Go?

Where did all my anger go?  My righteous anger, my unrighteous anger, my illogical and irrational anger... where is it when I need it?

 

I feel like my foundation has been knocked out from beneath me and instead of being angry about it I'm sad, hurt, lost, and in shock.  But I feel like I should be angry.  My sister told me that our mother told her she knew we were being molested but that she let it continue because he was helping to pay her bills.  She knew, yet she let it continue.  When I finally dredged up the courage to tell her (about a year after it started) she wasn't exactly surprised but she tried to deny it.  Then she finally believed me and left me home to babysit my sister while she went on with her life.  At the time that included school and AA meetings.  I was probably ten years old, my sister would have been five.

 

Knowing what I know now puts the night I told in perspective.  No wonder she didn't stay home with us and care for us.  She didn't care.  She never bothered to ask my sister if he'd touched her too.  She didn't need to did she?  She pretended to care, she called the police to file a report, sent me to stay with my grandparents for a couple of days for my safety, and had heart to hearts with me as one survivor to another as I got older.

 

It was all a lie, all one big act to cover and salve her own guilt in making her daughters victims for her own selfish ends.  I thought my childhood was sick and twisted but this is an all new low.  I was holding out hope to have a loving relationship with my mother but that hope is officially dead now.  I don't want a relationship with a monster and I certainly don't want her near my children.

 

I can feel the anger simmering deep inside me but it's so deeply buried under the other feelings that I'm not sure it will get out.  Mostly I feel sick, physically ill.  I feel like I've been violated all over again and I'm in shock, I feel kind of numb.  I cried in Master's arms last night as I told him what I'd learned.  Gods that man is a gift.  His love for me is so powerful, I feel wrapped up and safe inside it.

 

I don't know what I'm going to do or if I'm going to do anything.  It will affect the future.  Some people think you can reconcile with your abusers, forgive them, etc.  I can't.  I can not hate them but I can't let them into my life or give them the opportunity to hurt me again.  Given the other abuses my mother heaped on me and the worse ones she heaped on my sister, she doesn't deserve reconciliation.  She doesn't deserve to have me and my sister or our children in her life.  She's unworthy of any of us.

 

Master is right, this doesn't change who I am but it does put things in a different light.  Our lives could have been so different if our mother hadn't hated us, been selfish, and used us as tools to make her life easier.  I was mostly okay with my past until I found out the truth.  Now, I don't know... I just don't know.  Nothing was what I believed it to be.  Nothing.  I spent a good part of my life trying to earn my mother's love, I felt like there was something wrong with me that if I just tried harder she'd love me.  It should have been the other way around.  She's never been worthy of my love.