Where are we?

I don't know where Alan and I are right now in our relationship.  There have been so many changes in our lives recently and more yet to come that we seem to have settled into being husband and wife and clinging to each other to weather the storms and upheavals.

I miss my kink, I miss my submission, and gods know I miss my sex.  But I don't seem to have the energy for it at the moment and I think that's okay.  I try to remind myself that everything ebbs and flows like the tides.

I still serve a bit, just not as much or in the same way.  I've stopped veiling my hair for now, I'm not even coloring or cutting it.. no energy to put toward it.  He seems to understand and has given me space.

We haven't talked about our relationship as it is or what it might be in the future.  I'd like us to bring back the few things we kept, my serving him, veiling my hair for him, and being cuffed to the bed as I sleep.  We'll see what the future holds.  For now I think we're okay as we are.  I just hope he can wait for me to make it back.

Submissive Challenge #11 Submissive Personality Are you a quiet obedient submissive or is there an element of playful brattiness in your dynamic? How would you describe your submissive personality? How does your owner encourage or enhance who you are?

Submissive Personality?

I have been jokingly called a brat by a former (currently complicated) dominant.  He went on to clarify that I am a playful sprite.  I think this is true because I'm not acting out for punishment or "funishment".  If I wanted to be spanked or some other form of impact play I'd ask for it, if the answer is 'no', so be it.  However, he still calls me a brat and it became part of a tattoo indicating my lifestyle.

How would you describe your submissive personality?

Playful, loving, affectionate, caretaking, service oriented, obedient to the best of my ability.  Sometimes quiet and introspective.  Often outspoken and strongly opinionated.  Sometimes I am obstinate but I've learned to ask for time if I am struggling with something instead of digging my heels in and making my partner drag me into place.

How does your owner encourage or enhance who you are?

Currently my Dominus requires that I cover my hair.  It is a show of submission to him, somewhat like a collar but with different meaning.  He has taken something that used to be my pride and has found a way to save it for himself alone.  It scared me at first, I worried about causing offense or being misunderstood.  But I have only received compliments to date.  It has humbled me some though I am allowed some leeway and can still express some individuality in my head coverings.  And hey, there are no bad hair days!  There are, however, bad scarf days.  Oy!

He not only requires my service in the home but, he accepts it and allows me to express that part of myself freely and without  fear of recrimination or rejection.  On my good days I feel very fulfilled and at peace.  I've found a niche for that part of myself through him.

He and my former dominant partner (currently complicated) both encourage me to practice self-care of my mental and physical health.

Ghosting

Life.  I don't know if I'd call this endless, empty, existence a life.

I don't feel real, I don't feel like a person, not unless others are around me pulling me into existence.  Until they leave again or until it's time for me to leave.  Sometimes I wonder if I succeeded in committing suicide and this is my personal hell.  I feel like a ghost just drifting through the World with no meaning to whatever this existence is.

I don't feel real.

Am I defined by my illness?  Is it who I am?

It has lost me a husband and gained me a caretaker instead.   He is just existing too, between work, sleep, and taking care of me because I can be a danger to myself.  I have to hide the proof of my past transgressions.  Long sleeves in the summer are a misery but I think I deserve it.  The painful scars aren't enough punishment for putting my loved ones through the worry I've put them through.  Seeing the scars every time I glance at my arm, they won't fade, being reminded of that day, knowing that I was serious about ending the pain is not enough.

I would give anything for 5 minutes of total sanity and happiness.  No I wouldn't.  The pain would seem more pronounced, the depression stronger, all because of those 5 minutes of peace.  You never realize just how much pain you're in until you get a break from it.  When it comes back, when it comes back...

 

My sister sent me a link to this song and some of it fits too well, too close to my reality.  I just can't wrap my head around the idea that I'm an innocent.

I'm in a bad place again.  I want to numb the pain, trying to stop it is too dangerous and makes me less trustworthy in the eyes of my friends and family.  They wonder how far I'll go.  What if?  It scares them.  I wish they knew how much it scares me.

I'm ghosting through life looking for meaning.  Like the Velveteen Rabbit I want to be real.  I want my life to have meaning.  I want it to be worth something.

In My Head

He's there in my head, all the time, wandering the corridors, opening doors to memories and feelings, best left alone, closing other doors to possibilities not allowed.

He takes me forcefully, hungrily, and with dire need.  My heart skips a few beats and I hold my breath waiting to see if it is real or only another dream.  He is insistent and takes possession, my body and mind follow, only too happily.  The energy builds and builds as passion grows more fevered, frantic.  I feel as if one tiny spark will ignite a wildfire that cannot be extinguished, a moment of panic squeezes my heart.  It doesn't last long as he brings me back to us and his scorching hands on my flesh....

He whispers sweet words in my ear, holds me close as if I were precious to him but only in my head.

Laryngitis

I thought I'd lost my voice.  My writing voice to be specific.  

I thought I was out of things to say, but the words are back, writing essays and blog posts in my mind when I should be sleeping.  Gods know how much sleep I've lost to this and how many pieces of writing I've forgotten because I chose to roll over and go back to sleep instead of jumping up to write it down before I lose it, as I prefer to do.

I guess this means I'm back.  Heh!

They're Just Sneakers

That's like rape..

That's what my therapist said in response to an incident from my teen years I'd been talking about.  I don't know how to come to terms with applying that label to that experience, much less coming to terms with the experience itself.

I so want to pretty the story up, add flare to it, but you can't gild abuse to make it palatable can you?

I was a young teen living at the local youth shelter because I couldn't live with the abusive egg donor, aka my mother.  She'd bought me a new pair of sneakers shortly before I was sent there to live for a bit.  I had needed new shoes so ya get the kid some shoes, right?  Once you give the shoes to said kid they belong to the kid yeah?  Especially if the kid needs them.

There came a day when the egg donor was visiting me at the shelter or something and we'd had an argument or something, the details are beyond foggy.  She flipped out on me and insisted I give the sneakers back.  I refused.  She demanded that I give her the sneakers immediately "or else".   I refused again telling her they were my shoes and I needed them.

Voices were obviously raised by now and a staff member or two got involved.  They told me to give her the shoes back, taking her side.  I was beyond indignant, incredulous, and pissed off by now and I dug my heels in and absolutely refused.

The egg donor knelt on the floor and tried to remove my sneakers while I stood there wearing them.  I refused to budge.  I was stuck in a corner between the staff members and the egg donor-big mistake.  The staff members lifted me up so she could remove the shoes.  I was writhing, kicking, fighting, and yelling "NO!" but no one helped me, no one was there to take my side or to be a voice of reason.  No, the egg donor had worked her victim magic and the adults believed I was the horrible abusive kid and she was the poor put upon single mother trying in vain to obtain obedience from me.

Once she'd gotten the shoes off of me the staff put me down, I was crying.  They'd done all of this in sight of the rest of the kids there and a few other staff members.  Not a one lifted a finger or a voice to help me.

I was violated by adults who were supposed to protect me against the abuses of the mother who never wanted me.  It was supposed to be a safe place but it wasn't, I wasn't safe anywhere as long as the egg donor could work her victim magic, plying the people who were supposed to help me with lie after lie about me.  I was violated yet again by the egg donor, of course.

I couldn't figure out, until my most recent therapy session, why this incident was stuck in my head and caused a very visceral, emotional reaction whenever it popped up out of my subconscious.  I didn't really know why I got so angry and upset when someone used something that was supposed to be mine.

Growing up, nothing was ever mine.  Not birthday gifts, not clothing bought because I needed it, not my time, not my space, not my body, nothing was sacred.  All was subject to be taken away at the whim of a madwoman.  If I did something that upset her she flipped out and took away my clothes, the stereo she bought me for my birthday, anything she knew would hurt me the most.

It's no wonder I get a bit pissy about ownership of my body, my shower time, and my "stuff".  It seems silly looking at it as an observer, watching me get upset over something as minor as my husband using my Hello Kitty pen.  Only until you know the back story, and even then it may still seem silly.  *shrugs*

My whole life with that woman was a series of mental abuses, violations, and yes, non-sexual rape.

How do you even wrap your head around it?  I thought I'd healed from most of the abuse trauma but this one came out of nowhere and knocked me down.

Awareness is the first step.  I can at least communicate now why certain things upset me so badly and I can ask that certain items or activities be respected as being mine.  That's something isn't it?  I think so.

I'm A Witch!

No, really, a W-itch.  It's not a euphemism for the B-word.

I'm a currently non-practicing Pagan/Witch/Person with intentions to change that.  I've just been accepted into an online teaching Coven run by a former Coven mate from years past.  I'm excited that they accepted me!

I am hoping to learn more, improve my practice, and get back in touch with my spirituality.  I am older, wiser, and more grounded than I was when I earned my first degree as a priestess.  I have been questing since early on to find out what my spirituality was, to give it a name, a flavor... to really define it.  I don't know if I really need to label it.  I know what it is and Witch or Pagan are good catch all terms for it.

Are you a good Witch or a bad Witch?  -Glenda the Good Witch from The Wizard of Oz

It's all in one's intent really.  I'm just a Witch, a woman who wants to practice her spirituality, find where her Witchy talents lie and hone those skills.

Classes start soon and I hope I'm not too rusty and can remember how to be an active student.

Much More Muchier

I used to feel much more muchier than I do now.  I feel like I've lost my muchness.  I don't feel like me anymore.  There's a distinct lack of passion for most all areas of my life.  That is not me, it isn't the me I used to be and want to be again.

I'm doing my husband and Owner a huge disservice with neglect to his feelings and needs.  I don't know how to meet his needs when I have no desire for those things and, in fact, go into a panic thinking about it.  How can I be doing this to him?  I love him and I want to make him happier than he is now.  I know my neglecting him is contributing to his unhappiness.  Gods know I don't want us to fall into being a sexless couple forever and ever.

Other than going completely off meds, I don't know what else to do.  I know the meds are to blame, everything physical checks out as normal.  We talked today, he tells me going off meds is not an option.  I got the impression that divorce would follow if I went off meds and back to the manic freak I was.  The thing is, I'm afraid divorce could follow extended neglect.

I'm scared that my brain is changed forever, that the meds have ruined everything and that this person is who I will always be now.  I don't like this person.  I didn't like the manic me either but at least I had passion and desire.  I LIVED.  Now I just seem to exist.

I'm having a hard time feeling attached or bound to anyone but the people I live with.  Even then, I like being alone more often than not because I don't have the stress of their needs and feeling like a failure because I can't seem to meet them.

WHY does there have to be such an expensive trade off?  It feels like a punishment.  I've lost my life, I've lost myself.

Yay! More Druggy Goodness!

Yay, instead of just upping the dose on my one anti-anxiety drug she adds an additional one to the cocktail.  She absolutely refuses to entertain the idea that when the dose is high enough the other works just fine.  I'm not happy but I'm giving it a try.  It will either work or it won't, right?

I hate Mondays.  Daddy has to go to work and I am lonely that first workday without him.  I try to not say it often.  But I do want him to know that he is valued and loved with such force of emotion that I miss him the entire night.   I look forward to the coming morning when I get to greet him at the door.

I love you Dominus!  I'm not trying just for me but for you too.

Confession-Good for the..?

I don't know what this confession will be good for other than providing the transparency and honesty I own my Dominus.  It's more than that, it's the open and honest communication required in any healthy relationship that I owe to both of us.

I hate to admit this to myself, to you, and to Dominus.  The relating of a few people we know has taken up way too much space in my brain and it has to stop.  I thought by not talking about it anymore would help.  I thought leaving a group I fairly enjoyed would help.  I even thought leaving a Web site where I got a good amount of support would help too.  I was wrong.  All of these things were toxic to me because of the people involved there and my inability to distance myself from the "content" of my feelings and getting sucked in deeply every time I read something new about them.  My need for vindication, to be heard, to be believed, and to be valued were so great that it ate me from the inside out.

I learned through the grapevine that a few people who, much like a car wreck, I haven't been able to avoid looking at (being emotionally invested in) have split.  Like the child I am, I couldn't resist temptation and I went back to take a peek.  I wanted to see abject misery, I wanted to say "I told you so!!" to a few people, I wanted to be so petty and hurtful but I couldn't.  It wasn't fear of being caught out so much as it was I am simply not that person anymore.  I don't want to be her.

I felt empathy for them, I wanted to help them.  I hoped beyond hope that they'd both be open to the life's lessons sitting square in front of them waiting to be examined and learned.  I know, it isn't my place to decide who should learn what and when.  It's just, I can see the lessons waiting for them and I'm slightly disappointed because it seems the lessons are being ignored as the people are so caught up in the emotional content of what is going on.  Gods know I can't blame them, I know their pain.

I feel bad for them and the hurt they're experiencing.  There is still that petty little monster inside me that wants to say "Serves you right!".  I'd like to kick that little monster into a dusty corner somewhere.

I am sorry to my Dominus for my misbehavior.  I knew I shouldn't go back, I wasn't supposed to, and  I don't have a good reason for doing it.

I am sorry in general for wishing anyone ill.  Karma is going to catch me up and it's going to hurt.

I am disappointed in myself for disobeying Dominus, for giving in to those base urges of watching the car wreck that was the end of their relationship, and for being an all around lousy human being for a couple of months now.

I would like to make amends to Dominus for deliberately disobeying his commands.  I knew better but I disobeyed anyway.

I would like to earn Dominus' forgiveness.  I'd like to be able to forgive myself and not hang on to the bad feelings.

Mostly, I just want to take away the disappointed look I know will be in Dominus' eyes.  I'm scared of seeing and feeling his disappointment in me.

Ouch!

It's been non-stop panic-anxiety for a few weeks.  Which is causing it?  The isolation or the medication?  Which is worse?  Me off meds or me isolated?

I'm trying to figure out what I can do with my life from this point forward.  Sooner or later I'll have an answer.

Ketchup

Well,

Here we are again, me having been gone a while and trying to catch up.

Life has been full of ups and downs and I'm learning to move up and down with them.  Not easy to live with.

I don't know where I left off so I'll just hit the highlights.  I've been diagnosed bipolar with medication resistant depression, panic/anxiety disorder, and emotional intensity disorder.  Some days are better than others.  The medication side effects are an adventure in ugh.

Alan/Dominus and I are trying to build a new D/s relationship for ourselves.  The relationship seems to be going along well and building upon itself with little effort.  I have no complaints about our relationship.  I feel fulfilled in submitting to Dominus.

The problem I do have is a lack of kink socialization, no kink play at all, and still this stupid need to have another love in my life.  I want my old love back.  We have part of a lifetime together and he and Alan got on famously.  They both loved me well.  I don't know if I can, or want to, find another love.  They won't be him and I want him.

Then again, Alan and I haven't talked about this.  He may not allow me another friend/kinky play/lover again.  I don't know yet how to feel about that possibility.  I just considered it as a possibility.

I am trying to focus on what I do have instead of what I don't have.  But the reality is I feel isolated, I feel like I will never have SM play again.  I feel like I'll never get to try the kink things I'd been planning to try with the person who came after my former love, Sir, whatever.  I have two brand spanking new toys I had bought to be used on me that I doubt I will ever feel.  I'd had a multi-cane toy that had been sitting in my closet for the better part of a year before someone finally used it on me.  It makes me sad that it was neither of my men who used it.

I'm having to give up certain things in order to take care of my mental health.  I know it's for my own good and I know it's important that I do it but in the long run which is worse?  Better mental health or low quality of life?

I'm facing this same question regarding libido and ability to orgasm.  Take the medication and have more stable moods and no libido or orgasms, or don't take the medication have libido and orgasms and probably be mentally worse off, maybe lose my family or my freedom in the process.  sigh

Other than that, I'm ecstatic.  Really it isn't as bleak as all that.  Those are just snippets of the whole.

My former lover is my current friend.  It is difficult sometimes but I'd rather have him in my life as a friend than not in my life at all.  We have three interesting grown children, and three amazing granddaughters.

Dominus has taken an interest in decorating his submissive.  He hasn't taken me officially as his submissive or anything else, we're taking baby steps together and I like that.  But he is enjoying decorating me and dressing me in ways that please him.  Since I cannot work he is starting to let me have facial piercings that he feels are feminine and enhance my looks.  I love it.  I'm his Teddy Bear too, whenever he feels like it he will tell me to come cuddle when he is in bed.  I love being Dominus's Teddy Bear.  I also love the privilege of greeting him at the door every morning after he gets off work.  After that I am allowed to clean out his lunch box.

I am going to start belly dancing class tomorrow night so I can entertain Dominus with my dancing.  Plus, I just enjoy belly dance, it makes me feel sexy.

I'm taking an intensive behavior modification class to help me learn to manage the emotional intensity and my outlook is starting to change a little bit.  I still wish there was a cure.

 

The Pitfalls of Idolizing

They're people we meet in life, we look up to them, we respect them for being who we believe them to be.

They epitomize something important to us, they are the ideal of what we wish to be.

Therein lies our mistake. We've put an ordinary human being on a pedestal and we don't see the warts, wrinkles, hairy moles, bad moods, foul language, and a myriad of other human failings.

It is devastating then when our idols tumble from those pedestals, being revealed for the garden variety human beings they always were. We're then hurt, sad, disappointed, and crushed. If our idols aren't the gods we pictured them to be then what are we? We who modeled ourselves after our idols?

We're still ourselves, still trying to become the best people we can be. And our idols? They're healing from that tumble off the pedestal and are now better able to teach us because we're no longer worshiping them as the gods they're not.

Sick

I am sick with stress.  I'm sick knowing I have lost friends due to my own behavior or X's trust breaching.  I am sick with feeling I cannot trust anyone because they choose to be sheeple and not ask my side of it.  Dominus says they've shown their true colors and to be done with them.  But it hurts and it still makes me sick.

I want to be part of the group again, not an outsider looking in.  I guess I did that myself by taking a hiatus, you lose your standing as a valuable anything if you take time to take care of yourself.  You lose your standing too when you've got jackals at your back sharing only the choicest bits of what you've said, the bits out of context that will make you look like a horrid person.  They leave out the things they've said or done.  They leave out the bits that would prove them untrustworthy.  But no, let's not ask questions, it's so much easier to swallow everything they say, hook, line, and sinker.

It hurts but what can you do?  People will believe what they choose to believe.  It's much easier than thinking for yourself.

I am sick, I want closure, I want people to fess up, to be honest.  I want people to think for themselves and wonder if maybe they should ask me to see what I have to say.  I guess that's asking too much.

Veritas et Aequitas.  It's in my skin, it's what I believe in, and it's what I deserve.

Sharp, cold, gleaming, full of promise.. It seduces me. It whispers to me cut him, just a little he won't notice. Watch the blood well up to the surface... ruby jewels begging to be licked clean.

The blade whispers again as it stokes my arousal... "poke him, just a little, he won't feel it much..the rewards will be oh so wondrous" penetrate him!.

I resist the whisper of the blade and dance with it instead. Treading that fine line between what I and the blade want and what is proper. Tracing red lines over his body, little droplets of red rubies teasing me, promising more. His writhing, body begging for more as he arches up toward me, toward the blade.

My inner thighs become soaked, my juices flowing down them as I strive to control my reactions and ignore the whisper of the blade.

The more aroused I get the louder the blade's whisper gets... my eyes change colors, it's getting dangerous now. We're at the very edge of the edge...I'm still dancing with the blade... my subject enjoying the safer pain and pleasure I've allowed myself to give him.

The blade has to be put away before I can give in to my carnal desires.. but it's whispers remain in my head.

Don't Want to Quit

I don't know how to get you to hear me or listen to me.  There is never a good time to try to talk to you.  You say you want to practice getting inside someone's head but you don't need practice, you're in mine.  Silent treatment fucks my head all up, can't you see that?

You haven't given me a chance to show that I can give during play since you told me I don't.

I do have consideration for you beyond what I want.  I am sorry I can't remain silent when it feels like I'm losing something important to me...I need to fight to keep it, beg for it, plead my case.

Why is it okay to text when you're working when you're not angry with me?

I care about you, I've tried to show it to you, I've tried to be what you want.  I've failed.  Maybe I should roll over and give up silently.

It isn't all about what I want.  It's NOT.  I resent you saying that.  I resent that you won't hear me.

I just want to submit that's all I want and you won't tell me the rules, I'm supposed to learn them on the fly.  I'm supposed to assume that ending a conversation is punishment and guess at how long that is to last.  Give me some breadcrumbs to follow please?

Yearning

I've been without active dominance for a very long time and it's wearing on me.

I have learned to live without it, for the most part. Then I run into someone whose dominance screams at my submission but that isn't quite the arrangement we have.

I yearn for that dominance to be directed toward me. I almost ache for it. He knows but being as dominant as he is... he controls if/how/when things progress. It makes me yearn and ache more. Sometimes I wonder if, knowing this, he uses it somehow. Then I think, "nahhh".

I don't know if he'll ever want to own me.

Often I imagine I'm going to be "Lifestyle single" forever. Unowned. That makes the yearning turn to ache, then to frenzy.

Being frenzied is one of the worst mental places to be (aside from being at some point in mania). You ache, want, need so badly that you'll do just about anything to get what you want and need, to ease that ache. Then someone reminds you that frenzy is unattractive and turns potential dominants off. So you move through and past the frenzy and you're left with only the ache, want, and need.

You want to beg for more play, at least during play you get a little of the dominance you crave. But begging can be unattractive too so you ask and leave it in his hands with hope that he'll want to play and have time to do so.

Sometimes being submissive sucks balls.

FuckUpFailure

I am such a fuck-up and a failure.  I've taken probably ten steps backwards and I don't think I'll get them back.  He says I can earn the right to be posted on his profile but how do I do that?  By what?  Not bothering him?  Not texting?  Not asking him to visit or play?  It hurts..it just plain fucking hurts and there's not a blessed thing I can do about it.  I'm going to lose him because I can't change, I'm not any kind of anything.

Questions No Answers

I don't understand why you won't answer some of my questions.  I need answers to these questions.

I am trying to not have "moments" or come on too strong but you seem to be not wanting to answer my questions and my lack of control over that makes me crazy.  I need to make some peace with the fact that I can't control you.  But can't you answer some of my questions or give a reason why you're not going to answer others?

I feel like you've been pulling back from me since Friday night/Saturday.  Is something wrong?

I don't know how to build a relationship, I feel awkward and like I'm doing it very badly.  I would like some direction as to what you want from me and which direction I should go.  I want to serve you to the best of my ability and in the way you wish to be served, I just don't see how I can do that without direction from you.  My advice to new submissives asking similar questions is to ask their dominant what he wants from them.

I want to submit to you, I deem you worthy of my submission.  Is that such a bad thing?  Really?  Yes it's fast by some standards.  But I know what I want and need in a dominant, I don't need that time to figure that part out.  I've trusted you with my life, mind, and emotions, you've been careful of all three.  Concerned and caring.  I will go at your speed but I am chomping at the bit.  I don't want to just play anymore.  I want to work on building more than just a play relationship.  I don't think a dynamic can stand on play alone.  Those are just my thoughts.

Fed Up

I've absolutely had it.  People who call themselves my friend walk away, turn their backs, or just ignore me.  Seriously?  How about we be adult enough to talk about it and formally end the "friendship" instead of playing nice, lying, and pretending to still be my friend!

I'm also sick of the drama caused by psychotic whiney bitches who blame me for their failings.  For fuck's sake, I don't need to compete for a man, I'm not desperate OR pathetic like that.  I was living just fine without a dominant partner.  I wasn't ecstatic but I wasn't despondent either.

Now that I've found one who is willing to explore the darkside with me sure I'm excited but had he said "No, I'm dedicated to X" I would have graciously bowed out.

Growing Pains

You find a partner, develop a relationship, and you get comfortable. Then one day you wake up and your entire world is upended.

You question yourself, your judgement, your worth. "What did I do wrong?" "What is wrong with me?" "I can't live this life." "I don't want a life without him in it."

You go into mourning and fall into self-pity. Drag yourself up out of the pit and carry on. You do what you have to do and you deal with it, life goes on with or without you. Then it becomes okay. Your self-worth may still be damaged along with your self-confidence. It takes more time to rebuild those than to get over him.

It's painful but you get over it and you move on. He isn't worth your suffering, your pining, or your tears. He is a thing of the past. The length of time it takes to get over him depends on you. Why waste your energy on something that is dead and gone?

Then you remember the spot of sunshine that you'd found before he threw your world into a spiraling black hole. That spot of sunshine reminds you that life can be good, it gives you hope, it makes you look toward the future with hope and desire.

Eventually someone will see you, you will be worth something to him. He will inspire your long-dormant submission and you will want to move forward with him and give him all of your submission.

You learn and grow, you begin to understand that you may go into relationships with forever in mind but not everyone does. That knowledge frees you up to better enjoy the experiences you do have.

None of this happens quickly or easily, there are growing pains along the way but it's worth it.

The one thing you forget is that those spots of sunshine are nothing more than a train coming to flatten you.  They're opportunists and you're an easy mark when you're so sad, empty, and aching for dominance.  Take time, at least one month, before you engage in any sort of relationship, sexual, SM, D/s... anything more than friends.  Learn to be you again.  Don't make the mistake I made, letting the wrong person in making the hurt worse than it should have been.

Understand that even if your relationship ends, there may be something good, something better once you've both gotten past the sads.

Crazies/Metnally Ill/Tired

DISCLAIMER: To all my fellow mentally ill peeps, I call mental illness crazy it's a catch-all word without having to go into detail about the particulars or waste time saying it all.

I'm tired of people in general. Not you, not you, you, but not you.

I go along believing I'm crazy and then every now and then someone out-crazies me and I realize that in comparison I am perfectly sane. The perspective is awesome but the experience is wearying.

You cannot reason with a crazy person, logic is a foreign concept, and their reality trumps Reality. You're damned if you do and damned if you don't. The extremes in behavior almost give you (general you) whiplash.

I hate drama, I really do. I prefer to get along but there are some people out there who just won't get along, they don't want to. It's really saddening, I feel badly for them because they must be extremely miserable.

Keep your good friends close, you (again in general) don't realize how valuable and rare they are until the crazies jump out at you or your own crazy takes hold. sigh