Wondering

With all this new turmoil we’ve been dealing with I don’t know where this leaves us with our M/s dynamic.

Wednesday we had a phone conversation about the whole issue around ZBoy’s narking incident just before I had to leave for work. He was a bit upset and was rather harsh on the phone. I didn’t take it well and hung up on him.

A little while later he called back and we talked some more. I was at Defcon 10 with my emotional upset and wasn’t very receptive to anything he had to say. At one point I told him I didn’t feel that my motherhood was respected by him and that I couldn’t be married to, or belong to, a man who didn’t respect that. I said some pretty hurtful things and I regret them now. Hindsight and all that, you know.

We didn’t speak to each other beyond the necessities Wednesday night when I got home from work. When we went to bed I wasn’t ready to talk but I wanted him to know I still loved him and that I wasn’t going anywhere so I reached out and laid my hand on his back. He reached back and rubbed my arm and then we fell asleep. I think that was one of the only nights either of us has ever woken up in the position we’ve fallen asleep in.

Last night we talked about our issues and we reconnected. But, we didn’t discuss the power exchange. It was obvious, when we went to bed, that he still expects me to obey. “You’re not the boss of me” isn’t a good reason to not comply when commanded to remove my panties. I guess he’s not accepting my “request” for release and he’s not choosing to release me. I’m glad he doesn’t take action as soon as I say something in the heat of the moment. I’m not very rational when I’m upset; my first instinct has always been to run away when things get difficult. As a teenager I’d run away physically, as an adult, mentally and emotionally. It’s really difficult for me to stay in the moment, to stay present and deal with it all like a rational adult. I’m still learning.

I’m probably over thinking things. The power exchange, even if we were to agree to drop it for the sake of our marriage, would still be present. It’s how we relate to one another. I had renewed symptoms of the UTI, that I’m still trying to get rid of, and I had to call him. I needed his input on what to do. I needed his permission to go to the doctor instead of going to work. Not because he requires it but because I needed it. I don’t know how to explain it without sounding like I’m co-dependent either. But, staying home from work is a big decision I lose almost 50 dollars by missing a night of work. I don’t feel comfortable making that sort of decision on my own unless I’m really feeling like I’m dying. There’s also a comfort issue, I feel comforted, validated when he agrees with me that I need stay home from work and see the doctor. I feel cared for.

Well F*ck Me Running!

You know, you never really do know someone even if you've raised them.

I just found out that my son decided to nark his sister off to the school police officer who in turn is calling her JCO and they're going to do a random UA on her. Wonderful. Just when things were starting to wind down he's cranking up the drama again.

I understand he *thinks* he's doing the right thing from some sanctimonious position of piety that the rest of us will never achieve. Personally I believe he's found a way to get even with her and didn't give a thought to the rest of us.

Never mind the fact that his information is all hearsay. Could he be bothered to speak to us? Or ask her directly to confirm what he's heard? No, he decides that narking to the police is the best way to handle this situation. There are days, like today for instance, that I'd like to shake some common sense into him. Instead I told him to either leave or go to his room, I wasn't of a mind to talk calmly.

We know what she's been doing, we accept the reality of the situation. There's not much we can do, she's not ready to accept that what she's doing (drinking and drugs) is not good for her and what's more, is against the law. That's the most difficult part of being a parent, having to accept that there are some things that are beyond your control. Oh sure, we could ground her, we could even force her into drug treatment. And we could pay anywhere from a few hundred to a few thousand dollars for something that will do no good because she's not ready to quit. That's the one thing few seem to realize, you can't FORCE an addict to quit, they have to be ready to do it. The ADDICT has to come to the realization that they're not in a good place and no amount of lecturing from parents or other authority figures, no amount of therapy, is going to get them there before it's time.

I am.....upset. I am saddened and angered by my son's actions and by the possible consequences of all of this. I am intimidated by the possible upcoming additional hoops we'll (I'll) have to jump through. I am worried about going to work and leaving this for Master to deal with, his isn't the coolest of heads when he feels like his family is threatened and this certainly will fall under that heading. His son has just done something he'll consider a betrayal of the family.

I guess I have to have faith that things will work out however they're meant to.

I'm Still Alive

I know, I haven't posted in a bit but I can explain, really! *smiles*

Life has been hectic around here, we've had health issues, migraines, and I'm contemplating a trip to the urologist because of repeated UTIs and bladder infections that are becoming more difficult to treat. It's truly frightening to be facing that but I'm just matter-of-fact about it. We will find a way to fix things, we'll adapt. What other choice is there?

Working evenings is beginning to wear on me and I think I'd be correct in saying that it's wearing on Master too. He's just not the "Mr. Mom" type. He is giving it a Herculean effort but he just doesn't seem as much himself lately, he's exhausted. Sometimes I wonder if I should just quit school and see if I can get day hours where I'm at. I'm sure that'd be a mistake though and I keep plugging along, hoping that we'll get through it. The end seems so near to me, it's within my grasp, I just have to keep at it.

Today is Master's birthday and I'm sad that I can't spend it with him. If I had my way I'd clear a few hours for just he and I to be alone after taking him out for a romantic dinner. Once home I'd lead him upstairs to give him a full body massage with a spicy scented oil, nude of course so I could use my entire body to rub him down with. Afterwards, a nice hot shower for two.

Instead I have to go to work and won't see him until I get home around 8:30 and the next hour and a half until bedtime will be spent dealing with the kids' stuff and decompressing. Then to bed where we'll try to fall asleep so we can get up and do the same thing again tomorrow.

In many ways I miss being a stay-at-home mom and housewife. I miss being here, being available, for him. I miss being here when he gets home and sitting on the bed upstairs while he talks to me about his day. I miss the opportunities for quickie sex after his shower. I hope to have some semblance of that again some day, my goal is to end up working from home in the long term. I enjoy my co-workers and my workplace, I don't much care for the work itself, but I do feel successful. I guess I just want it all.

Through all of this I feel like I've lost touch with my slave-self. If I'm tired at night, he lets me just veg. If I'm not in the mood for sex, up until the last two nights, he'd let me refuse. I'm not laying this at his feet, I know better and I've been taking advantage of his good nature. I've just let myself go on automatic pilot, my mouth, my brain, everything. Bad slave girl, bad.

His

Master's birthday is next week and his company allows its employees a day off of their choosing during their birthday month. Master chose to take this Monday off.

The day started early for me, I still had to go to class. A girl needs her education afterall. While I was in class Master was sleeping in, or so I thought. When I got home from class I woke him and eventually he got into the shower. I thought perhaps he'd forgotten that we'd discussed using the day to get some much needed SM play. Actually, I was halfway hoping he'd forgotten, I wasn't sure I was in the mood for SM. His command when he got out of the shower let me know he hadn't forgotten. "Put on some music."

I was a bit nervous then. The butterflies in my stomach had butterflies. I was truly nervous at what he'd do to me without the possibility of children hearing to keep him in check.

I put on some music that I like, something soft and ambient, hoping that the gentle music would influence him a little. Heavy/loud music tends to get him ramped up as does Beethoven. As I said, I was worried so I chose something I thought was "safe".

I don't recall how I ended up naked, but after that he ordered me onto the bed with my butt in the air. He started with spanks and moved into floggers. He really laid into my back with the floggers. One side of my back is a lot more sensitive, the side with the cutting. The scar tissue is extra-sensitive. I gasped out that I couldn't take as much on the right side, I told him it burned. I should have known better, no sooner had I uttered the words he laid into that side with gusto with the words "Really? It doesn't hurt me a bit."

For a moment, just a moment, tears threatened and I felt absolutely miserable. For a split second I felt as if he were punishing me for something. Then reason took over and all was well. I knew it was just his sadistic tendencies, give him a reaction and he'll work twice as hard to get more of it.

After the flogging he began punching... yes, I said punching. He punched all the big muscles in my thighs, butt, and upper back. Over and over, developing a rhythm that I began to relax into. I think if he'd continued I might well have zone out a bit. I'd just begun to feel super relaxed, my breathing was deep and regular, and I was feeling a wee bit floaty, and he stopped. He tormented me then, you see, he brought out the horrible rubber paddle. I hate that thing, it's pure evil. He placed it on my butt and I was sure he'd use it on me. But no, he had another surprise in store for his girl. Instead of feeling the impact of the paddle, I felt the sharpness of cold steel. Yes, Master brought out the knife and I was tickled pink! He hasn't gotten the knife out in so long that I'd almost forgotten how much I enjoy it.

He used the knife very thoroughly, little pokes here and there to make me gasp and feel jumpy, long deep scratches as (I later found out) he scratched words into my bottom. I actually felt real fear while he had the knife out, it'd been so long and I felt so new to all of it.

Soon he put the knife away and that's when the fun sexy stuff started and that's where I'll stop my narration for tonight.

Suffice it to say that I feel very fortunate that he chose to use his birthday day off to spend with me.

Slain Demons

I'm posting twice in one day, a rare thing. Last night was a mile marker for me and something I need to put in print so I always remember it.

I was able to offer something sexual to Master that, in the past, even a hint of it would have left me a train wreck. Since I've got this UTI penetrative sex is just not a cool thing right now but Master still has needs that I want to take care of. He's been very kind and hasn't made any demands, he never does when I'm ill, but I can see that he's been frustrated and it bugs me when I'm unable to see to his needs.

Anyway, last night I suggested that he could f*ck me between my thighs and he took me up on that offer. I laid on side and after he lubed up the area between my thighs, I clenched my legs together as he slid between them. It felt pretty good, a nice tease for me as the top of his cock rubbed against my pussy with every stroke.

Why is this a mile marker? Why do I title this post Slain Demons? Simply this, the act I described above was done to me by my abuser. In the past if there was even a hint of that happening it would throw me into a very dark place of flashbacks and body memories. Not a pleasant place to be when you're with your lover.

Last night, when I made the suggestion, the memories did surface and even now they're playing behind my eyes, but they no longer have the power they once did. I am able to sift through them and let them go without mentally becoming that little girl who didn't understand. It's taken many, many years to get to this point, lots of blood, sweat, and tears; mine and Master's. I think I'm finally making the transition from survivor to thriver. I never thought it was possible, ever. I thought I'd always be controlled by my past. I still have days when the demons try to make a comeback, I'd be lying if I said otherwise, but I don't let them hang around for long. I still have things that can and will trigger the old feelings and I avoid them as much as possible, sometimes it's best not to pick at old wounds.

I think the most important thing that has happened is entirely mental, I no longer define myself by my past but by my present and my future. I'm lucky, I know it and I say it often. My horrors weren't as great as those of others, but horrors are horrors and we all heal from them in our own way.

Lowered Tolerance

This week I've been thinking about lowered tolerance and how it applies to me. First off, I have yet another UTI and it's been a doozy. I have always told people that I have a low tolerance to UTIs and bladder infections, if I feel even a hint of one I'm off and running to the doctor because I can't deal with the pain of them.

It was only this week that I realized the 'why' behind my low tolerance for that type of pain, nevermind that they hurt like the dickens. I had my first UTI as a teenager and I was staying with my grandparents at the time. I didn't know what was wrong at the time, all I knew was that my belly hurt and it hurt beyond belief to pee. I didn't say anything, I wasn't comfortable talking to them about it. So, the entire week or so that I stayed there, I suffered in silence. I had more sleepless nights than I care to count due to the gnawing pain in my belly.

Ever since then I get panicky when I have UTI symptoms and I keep a urinary analgesic on hand just in case. I did finally get treatment when I went home, found out I had a lovely little STD too (go me).

I have also made some mental connections this week regarding my low tolerance to some pain that Master chooses to dish out. A few months back while I was at the dentist's office and whining about the pain as she cleaned my teeth, she pointed out that all the pain meds I'm on can actually reduce one's tolerance to pain. This was reinforced by a magazine article I read while sitting in the doctor's office this week. It made me feel better knowing it's not me, it's the medication causing it. It's important to me to be able to be an outlet for his sadistic needs as well as, I do have my own masochistic needs. Although now, my needs are usually met long before his are. *chuckling* However, I should note that sometimes he enjoys it even when I'm not and I'm glad that it works that way for him.

I guess the reason I'm writing all this is because I want to mark this new knowledge of myself. It's important to me to know myself as thoroughly as possible and in knowing myself I am better able to be transparent to Master. That's my theory and I'm sticking to it. *smiles*

Support

Today's post comes from Kindlings.


6. Do you look to other slaves/peers for support and/or validation?

In the beginning of my journey as a submissive I looked to everyone for support and a whole load of validation. I was really unsure of myself and I used other subs and peers sort of like training wheels. I leaned on them whenever I lost my "balance".

Similarly when I began life as Master's slave, I needed to lean on other slaves but not so much for validation. I needed support, I was endeavoring to do something that didn't quite come naturally to me. While Master is excellent at teaching me what he wants from me, he cannot teach me the intricacies of surrender from a slave's point of view. I've always found it helpful to see things from the perspective of someone who's "been there, done that."

As I've grown in self-confidence I've lost the need for the training wheels. I do still seek a small bit of validation from time to time when my self-confidence wavers for whatever reason. I still lean on others for support too. I believe very strongly that people need support systems around them and slaves, when they're having a tough time of it, can take a great deal of comfort from other slaves who, as I said above, have "been there, done that."

Thankful

Given the hecticness of my life lately I thought it'd be good for me to take a moment to focus on all that I'm thankful for. I really do have a *lot* of good in my life that I don't always focus on because I'm stuck in the present moment.

I'm thankful for Master, without him life would be less colorful. Without his tender care of me I'd be more frazzled than I am.

I'm thankful for my children, they may seem like ungrateful wretches at times (two of them are teenagers) but they're *my* ungrateful wretches and they've given my life a purpose and have made it interesting.

I'm thankful for modern medicine, it has made it possible for me to do all that I do today.

I'm thankful that I am able to work.

I'm thankful that I am able to go to school.

I'm thankful for the people in my life, both online and offline.

I'm thankful for the ability to laugh and find the humor in many situations.

I'm thankful for every day, it's an opportunity.

Two Ships Passing

Master always wakes before I do in the mornings and is gone to work before I'm out of bed. This morning I woke when he did due to the call of nature. The room was dark as I crawled out of bed to make my way to the bathroom. As I made my way out of the bathroom he was making his way in and as we passed I brushed my nude breasts against his back while my hand stroked across his nude bottom. He reached out and nuzzled a breast with his hand as I continued to walk out of the bathroom and then the contact was broken.

He closed the bathroom door and I climbed back into bed for a little more sleep. That was it, the limit of our contact this morning but it was potent. I felt a swell of love and a tingle of excitement as I snuggled under the covers and wished it was the weekend so he could be there in bed with me.

Even though we have less time together we still manage to keep our connection alive and vibrant. Yesterday I wrote up a huge entry bemoaning an imbalance in our M/s dynamic. Since I've been working and going to school he's taken over more of the household chores and sometimes seems to cater to me. Yesterday I was feeling like a displaced slave and my entry reflected it. Through the wonder that is computer glitches, the entry was lost and I'm glad for it.

After I gave up on ever retrieving that entry I decided to take a little action and did up some dishes and made a list of chores for the kids. I realized that if I want to serve I need to just do it. There are always chores to do and in doing them there is that much less for Master to have to do in the evening. I may not be able to be here to cook and serve his dinner but I can still do things to help make his life easier.

Sometimes I forget that a lot of what we do, M/s and relationships in general, is based in our minds and hearts, not in the things we do. The things we do are a symptom of who we are and how we feel and while they do emphasize and help to strengthen bonds, they aren't the end all and be all.

Mortality

Mortality. That's the word of the day. We found out a couple of days ago that a Lifestyle acquaintance passed away.

I'm having a hard time getting my head around the reality of it. He's gone, no longer exists on this plane of existence. I keep having clips of movies I've seen flash through my mind, a crowd of people and one or two just disappear, the others know something has happened but don't really know what and they carry on with what they're doing. That's how I felt in class on Wednesday, here this person is dead and I'm going to class, carrying on with my life in a room full of young people who are oblivious to just about everything.

That evening I took a call from a customer who's words really put things in perspective. She related some pretty terrible health issues and ended with "Every day is a challenge and every day is a gift." The truth of her words really resonated with me. I have very challenging days but I'm still alive to try to rise to the challenge and some days I even succeed.

I wasn't more than an acquaintance with the person who passed on but I did appreciate his good nature and his ready smile. I'll miss that smile at future group meetings.

Bad Calls

Last night at work I had my first bad call. My first name caller, insulter, and all-around jerk. He was trying to get out of paying a sizeable bill and got upset when I wouldn't do what he wanted, whatever that was.

However I may sound now, the call shook me up last night. There's a certain amount of violence, in my opinion, in trying to intimidate, insult, and swear at, a stranger. Perhaps the person wouldn't act that way face to face, perhaps the phone made him feel powerful. I don't know. All I do know is that it took a good part of the night to shake the feeling of being unsafe.

Another aspect of the call that bothers me is the way I handled it. I'm not sure I handled it correctly and being the perfectionist I am, it's driving me nuts. I won't be able to let that part go until I talk it over with my trainer tonight. I made notes on the man's account so that if he happens to call back and tries to tell tales about me to someone else, they'll know my side of it.

Folks at work are pretty blase about these types of phone calls, perhaps I will be too, eventually. But for now, it bothers me that one human being can be so cruel to another.

Back to School

Today was the first day of the fall term for me. I was totally amazed to see the sheer numbers of students, I've never seen a campus so utterly full of people. Traffic was backed up for about a half mile outside campus and parking lots were nearly full by 8 a.m. I ended up parking in the lot across from the lot I normally park in (the one directly in front of the building my classes are in). Still, it was a gorgeous morning so I was game for the extra little hike I'd have to make.

Little did I know it was going to become a big hike. Once I was inside the building and found the room the class was supposed to be in I was met with a dark room and a little sign that said the class had been moved to another room in another building. A building, I might add, whose location I had no knowledge of. Luckily a good Samaritan hobbled along on her crutches, saw my dilemma and commiserated with me. I told her I had no idea where the building was and she told me how to get to it. Yay! So, off I went and soon found the building and after a few short minutes and more kindly directions, I found my classroom. It was in a strange section, I had to walk past display cases with preserved, dissected, animals on one side and various stuffed birds on the other. That was decidedly creepy. The classroom itself smelled a bit off and looked a lot like my 7th grade science classroom. *shudders*

The class itself looks to be an easy one and the instructor seems okay. So, I think I'll enjoy my Monday and Wednesday mornings even if I do have to get up at an inhuman hour.

When I got home I logged onto my online course, medical terms 1, and it looks to be an interesting class. I'm always excited about learning new things, things I have next to no knowledge about. I'm weird that way. I've got assignments due in that class already which I'll probably delve into tonight after work and tomorrow before transcription class. I'll end the week with Friday's four hour medical computer applications class. Yay.

On Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays I'll be heading directly to work from school. It's going to be difficult and I know I'm going to be tired but I feel very focused and my eye is firmly on achieving the goal of earning this degree and beginning my career.

I owe Master a huge debt of gratitude, if it weren't for him managing the homestead I wouldn't be able to do this at all. I'm extremely lucky and extremely thankful for him. Thank you Master for your support and encouragement, it means the world to me.

Date Night and Other Stuff

Last night Master and I had an impromptu date night. We went and saw Mr. & Mrs. Smith at the discount theatre. All I can say is it was definitely worth the wait. That one is going on my DVD wishlist. *g*

Yesterday afternoon we had the place to ourselves and had a little adult time. Master spanked me fiercely and then gave me one of the most intense orgasms I've had in quite a while. It was extra good because we could both yell and make loads of noise since all the kids were gone. Woo-Hoo!

Last night was odd though. Master and I watched an old episode of Real Sex and then went up to bed. He started picking on me and doing silly things that drive me nuts just because he wanted to see my reactions. It all came about because while we were downstairs I made the comment that I really didn't like the soft "making love" that they were showing on TV.
Upstairs he kept touching me soft and was being silly about it. I alternated between laughing and batting his hands away and feeling a bit violent. I get that way sometimes when things get irritating and Master has always been able to get me to that point, he thinks it's a talent. lol

At one point he threatened to sit down and pluck hairs on me, I was very resistant to the idea and this is when things turned serious. He asked me if it wasn't his right to do so if he desired. I wouldn't answer, I didn't want to give the answer and I really don't know why. I was just so irritated by the other stuff and I was feeling sort of defiant so I gave half answers, tried to redirect the conversation, and was a general smart alec.

Suddenly Master grabbed my legs, pulling them up he thrust himself against me and had me breathless. If he'd continued with that I'd have been his melty little puddle of submissive goodness. But that wasn't what he wanted yet. He then dropped my legs and started with the irritating stuff again. He carried on like that for a little while and as suddenly as before, he grabbed a fistfull of my hair and pulled me around on the bed a bit. This really threw me for a loop. I felt off balance by this sudden change of events, he was fierce and cold and mocking my whimpers.

Tears filled my eyes when he told me to position myself on the bed. I tried to control them, I really didn't understand why they were there. I did manage to get the tears to stop and Master proceeded with a rather delicious caning. Afterwards he told me I needed it and I understood what he meant. It helped to center me and bring me back to the obedience he expected from me. In that moment I felt extremely lucky to be his.

Today has been a lazy day, sort of. We slept in and Master had a nap. I got some cleaning and laundry done. When Master woke from his nap he cooked the family a delicious meal while I cleaned our bathroom and had a late shower. Now I'm sitting here relishing all my little aches left over from yesterday and mentally preparing myself for the first day of my classes tomorrow.

In just a few short minutes Master and I will watch HBO's new show, Rome. Life is good.

One Dimensional

One very frustrating thing about reading books or articles about Lifestyle issues is that they're very one dimensional. We're only seeing a tiny snippet of the whole that is D/s or M/s from the author's perspective.

What about the humanity? What about the bad days? What about the good days? What about the fun? Is there any fun? These are the questions that pop into my head when I'm reading. Perhaps Master and I are unusual, we have a lot of fun together and he's not afraid of losing control over me because he's letting me tease him about things. It doesn't take much for him to make the shift from partner to Master and to rein me in again.

That's why I enjoy reading Lifestyle blogs so much. I get to see the humanity, I get to see the good, the bad, and the fun. It helps me to know I'm not alone in this huge world. Sometimes I do need a little outside validation, it's nice to know that I'm not doing it "wrong" even though I know there is no right or wrong way to live this Lifestyle.

I especially enjoy the couples blogs because I get to see life from both perspectives and that is a rare gift in my opinion. Sometimes I wish I could get Master to write here, even to comment, but he's just not much of an online person. He's satisfied with reading what I have to say and talking to me about it later.

Addendum to Humility and Pride

These are the definitions I'm working with when I talk about pride.

Pride:
1. satisfaction with self: the happy satisfied feeling somebody experiences when having or achieving something special that other people admire took great pride in his work
2. proper sense of own value: the correct level of respect for the importance and value of your personal character, life, efforts, or achievements Defeat didn't damage her pride.

The more I think on it, the more I can see that for some, slavery entails giving up at least some of that sense of self. I'm thankful for variety because I've been self-effacing in a negative way and it was extremely unhealthy, I'm fearful of falling back into that way of being again. I still have a difficult time accepting compliments because I don't always feel worthy of them, and I'm still uncomfortable with having attention focused on me.

I think I can be a good slave without giving up my sense of self and without giving up the positive bits of pride that I have.

Humility and Pride

I was reading Slavecraft last night and came across an essay about humility. In it the author talked about pride being a negative thing for him and his slavehood. He also talked about humility being a goal for him as a slave. Some of the examples were not taking credit for work he's done, sitting on the most uncomfortable chairs and leaving the comfy ones for the Master he serves, etc.

Imagine, if you will, my brain screeching to a halt at these words. I don't think pride is a negative thing unless one becomes cocky or arrogant and I don't understand the line of thinking that says it is negative in and of itself. I take pride in doing a job well, this feeds into my self-esteem and self-confidence which leads to me being mentally healthy and happy. I guess I just don't understand how a person can't have even just a teensy bit of pride, for me it's a natural reaction when I've done a job well.

For me, the whole pride as a negative smacks of my Baptist beginnings which tried to convince me I was evil because I was female. *note: I am not making generalizations about all Baptists this was just my experience in one church* So maybe I'm having a knee-jerk reaction to the essay on humility and I need to give it another read without the filters.

Right now my ideas on the subject feel very solid. Pride, in moderation, is a good thing. I didn't always take pride in myself, I didn't care how I looked, I can only describe my previous appearance as dumpy. I wore any old thing, the baggier the better, and I didn't do much with my hair. When I see old pictures of myself I just want to burn them. I really looked horrid and what's worse, I remember how awful I always felt. It took years to build my self-esteem up to what it is now and part of that process involved learning to take a little pride in myself and in the things I did. Another part of the process has involved my learning to accept compliments, I had no concept of my self-worth.

I'm not saying that I think humility is a bad thing either, I think humility is the balance for pride, it keeps us from becoming arrogant or cocky.

My lack of understanding of the author's viewpoint is likely due to the type of owner I belong to and the way we came to M/s. He encourages me to retain my personhood, I'm not sure he'd like me if I were more humble, and possibly self-effacing. He seems to enjoy my spirited, cheeky, and passionate nature and even does things to invoke each aspect at certain times.

I guess it's only natural, when confronted with another way of doing things, to examine one's own way of doing things to see if there's something that could be improved. Maybe it's only natural for me. That's what I'm doing right now, looking for that which needs improved. However, unless Master says otherwise, I don't think I'm giving up the bit of pride I have in myself and the things I do.

Hot Patootie, Bless My Soul!

I'm watching Rocky Horror Picture Show and enjoying some much sought-after quiet time while attempting to get sleepy enough to go to bed. Yes, I know, RHP is not really conducive to sleep what with the Time Warp and all but I must try.

The next few days will be busy and full as we get the kids ready to start school again this week. Read: see me adjusting to an early morning schedule again. I'm not looking forward to that part of the new school year.

I've been doing a bit of pleasure reading here and there. I finished The Slave, the second in The Marketplace series. This one actually evoked a bit of an emotional response in me, the first one didn't do that at all, it was simply titillating. I look forward to reading the next one when I get the opportunity. I'm also delving into Slavecraft while letting The Surrendered Wife take a short trip to the back burner.

Other than that it's business as usual. I think we've found a balance but I'm afraid that will all be turned upside down when I begin classes again next week. I know we'll figure things out as they come, in the meantime I'm remembering to do the little things that help keep me sane.

Still Here

Contrary to appearances I haven't dropped off the face of the Earth. No, instead I've had a summer cold and it kicked my butt for a few days. I'm happily feeling a bit better today.

I'm still working and it looks like they may work with my school schedule which right now seems like a blessing. The only downside is that I may not be able to be on the dedicated team I was hired for which kind of sucks. I don't mind the work but it's frazzling sometimes to have to know, or at least be able to find, information for numerous clients. Being on a dedicated team for one client whose information I'd eventually know inside and out would be, well, heavenly. I really hate not knowing things when I'm expected to know them. I dislike feeling like I'm out of my depth, it makes me feel vulnerable and insecure and that just blows goats.

I went and picked up my buttload of books for the fall term and was just blown away by the size, weight, and amount of books that I have to have. Good grief! A person could be killed by a sturdy blow to the head with my medical dictionary. Yeah, who knew books could be weapons, leave it to me to think of it. *eg*

Master's been feeling extra frisky lately, I have no idea why but I'm not about to question it. Last night as we were lying in bed he decided to spank me. I was lying on my side with my back to him reading and he pulled the blankets up, exposing my bottom and began to spank the uppermost cheek. I pretended indifference for a while, just being cheeky, and tried to continue reading while he spanked me. The truth is it felt awesome, I've become such a spanko lately and I'm not quite sure why, but I wasn't ready to tell him yet that I was enjoying it. He eventually ramped up the intensity to a point that I couldn't pretend any longer. I began to moan and squirm just a teensy bit. He alternated spanking with stroking my bottom with his hand and pressing his hard cock against it or stroking my breasts and pinching my nipples.

Eventually he tired of the spanking and decided orgasms were in order for both of us. Say no to an orgasm? Me? Surely you jest! I don't know what it is about midnight sex in the dark but it always seems more intense, hotter. He had me lying on my back with his fingers inside while I used the pocket rocket on my clit. I tell you, his fingers are magic, he knows exactly where to touch me inside, how much pressure to use, and at what speed to thrust his fingers in and out. It wasn't long before I felt the orgasm building then washing over me, I had to beg him to slow his thrusting fingers because it was so intense and just as he slowed down I felt another peak, as if another orgasm was beginning.. I was beside myself with pleasure, grunting and groaning into my pillow to muffle my noises. Then I was limp on the bed trying to catch my breath.

Instead of letting me rest and come down he tweaked my nipples and stroked my clit, enjoying my twitching and flailing. My entire body is hyper-sensitive after orgasm and little touches send me into uncontrollable spasms which gives him quite a thrill to see. After a short amount of time he tired of that and it was his turn. He had me get into position on the bed and using my ample wetness, slid in to the hilt. I gasped as his cockhead stroked that ever so sensitive spot inside me. It seems like his cock was made just for f*cking me, it's the perfect length and hits all the right spots every time. He started with a slow but steady pace but I was eager for a forceful f*cking so I thrust back against him trying to urge him to go faster. He resisted my urgings and kept his own pace. When he came he thrust so deeply that it made me gasp "So deep, so deep" and he thrust even deeper, I wanted to scream it felt so good.

Midnight sex... yeah, that's the best. *smiles*

Me Time

Yesterday I took everyone's advice and made some "me" time. After dinner I went upstairs, put a little "do not disturb except in case of emergency" sign on the door and locked myself in. I put on the Native American Flutes cd I have and after a shave, pedicure, and shower, I filled the tub with a little warmer than I like water and bubbles smelling of lavender and vanilla, lit some candles, and climbed in. I had a nice little soak and stayed in until I was good and pruney.

At some point I began to feel aroused and wished Master were home. *g* However, it was nice having a good chunk of alone time. I needed it.

After the bath I felt SO good, my skin was silky soft and I was relaxed and happy. The rest of the evening was just nice. I watched TV with LMR until Master came home and took me out for a short drive.

Today has been a lazy day which is OH so nice.

Oh, maybe I should mention that Friday night Master and I played and it was GOOD. It was the best way to start a weekend. He headed upstairs and called me up, I had no idea he'd been planning to play. When I got up there the blankets were off the bed and he had music playing. He helped me undress and then placed the blindfold on me. Normally I get skittish about it but I relaxed into it. He spanked me a bit then had me climb onto the bed and lie down. He gave me a thorough spanking then until I began to moan loudly into the pillow. That was goooooood. He did this a few times, each time the spanks becoming harder. Then he pulled out the dreaded Wartenburg Wheel. *shudders* I hate that thing, really I do. He tortures me with it, delighting in my desperate attempts to hold still all the while I'm shrieking and begging him to stop.

I ended up rolling all over the bed in an attempt to get away from him and that wheel and giggling too. Somewhere in there he alternated the wheel with sucking on my toes which just bothers me to no end. I don't find it erotic at all and will do my level best to escape if I can. I thought for sure it'd be a torture night but he had other plans.

He had me get back into position and flogged my backside from shoulders to thighs. It's too bad the floggers are so loud, he couldn't do too much with them. (we weren't alone in the house) I wasn't ready for him to stop, I loved the flogging the best.
He moved to this other toy we've got, I've no idea what to call it. I guess I'd describe it as a limp sjambok, the dang thing HURTS! It's a wicked, wicked, wicked toy and takes only the slightest tap to have a strong impact. He didn't use it long before he switched to the canes, thank goodness. He caned me until I was sobbing and screaming into the pillow and that was that. We snuggled then. I felt limp, wrung out, and positively relaxed. It wasn't long though before we found other things to entertain us. *g* Good play followed by good sex, that's the way I like to start a weekend.

Too Much on My Plate

As I laid awake in bed last night I began to think that maybe I've just got too much on my plate, or will have once the fall term at school starts. I have a job, I have school, I have my family, I have my responsibilities as a group leader. At the same time I'm trying to reconnect with my spirituality and improve myself as a slave.

Am I trying to have it all? I kept thinking over and over that maybe there's something I ought to give up for the time being. I mean, there's only so much multi-tasking this woman can do. At the end of the day I'm fried and pretty much useless. My body is telling me that it won't accept much more yet here I am fixing my school schedule so I won't be traveling back and forth to Ankeny twice in a day, instead I'll be spending four hours in class on Fridays and then four hours at work.

I'm starting to not bounce back after a night's work, the pain is starting to linger and sets in sooner at work. I'm not willing to admit defeat though, I suck it up and just deal with it. As he keeps telling me, there are people who work full-time and go to school. I just find myself wondering how many of them have families, are in service to their Masters, and have chronic pain. Maybe I'm just a wimp. I feel inadequate when compared to others because I can't just ignore the pain and I can't push much past my body's limits. I know he doesn't mean to but that's precisely what happens when he says things like that. I feel as if I'm being compared to those folks who can seem to manage school and a full-time job and I feel as if I've been found lacking.

Still, I try. I try to live up to his expectations of me while trying to live up to my own as well. All the while I feel like I'm drowning. And school hasn't even started yet.