It never ceases to amaze me how a group of people can be so arrogant as to believe that their way is the only way and that any other is just plain wrong.
Sometimes I get tired of people being sad for me or concerned about my soul because I don't live or believe the way they do. It makes me weary, this sadness and concern on my behalf that is really unnecessary. Of course then the argument would be that I am blind and have lost my way and that's why I think it's unnecessary. *sigh* It’s a circular argument really and one that cannot be reasoned with. It reminds me of when I was a teenager and my mother was in the process of trying to have me committed. She and the psychiatrist, who only spent 10 minutes with me talking about the weather, tried to convince the judge that I was suicidal. I wasn't suicidal, not in the least, but I couldn't make my mother or that psychiatrist listen to me because their minds were made up. I was a teenager, I'd tried *gasp* drugs, and I wasn't listening to my mother, I must be suicidal. A+B does not always equal C, sometimes it equals D or even F.
For once I wish people could be happy for me just because I'm happy. Be happy that I'm living and growing as a person. Be happy that I'm loved and that I love in return. You don't have to understand the choices I've made in order to be happy for me. You don't even have to like them. If you want to be a part of my life you do have to accept that they're my choices to make. I don't ask for anything I'm not willing to give in return.
I think life would be a lot less complicated and there would be a lot more happy people in the world if we could quit worrying about what the other person is doing or isn't doing. Y'know? Of course, I'm an idealist at heart and a hopeless romantic too. What that means is if all of that weren't tempered with a bit of realism and cynicism I'd be one disappointed little girl.
So, on this eve of Beltane, I'm going to focus on what's important to me; Life, Love, and Happiness. The rest will sort itself out later.
Namaste!
Friday, April 30, 2004
Thursday, April 29, 2004
Focus
Focus, focus, who has the focus?
Master should but lately I've focused on myself, whining when he wants to use my body, complaining that I haven't had pleasure for several days; grumping when I have to get up to get him something; and even complaining when he leaves lights on behind him for me to turn off.
Last night I was lightly stroking Master's back as we lay in bed. He told me I'd made it itch and that I needed to rub some lotion into it because his skin was dry. I was a little grumpy about it but complied. Then something happened, I don't know what exactly but a feeling came over me and I proceeded to give him a very good rub down from neck to ankles. His back has been hurting as have his legs. I hoped to help relieve some of the aches. I'm not sure if I accomplished that or if I made it worse because the muscles are so tight. At the very least I moisturized his back and legs like gangbusters. While I was doing it my whole focus was on making him feel better. It was similar to being in "the zone" when I'm writing. It felt good and right.
Today I was reading posts on LE and the bootblacking forum I just joined, the depth of service and focus on service that some of these people have leaves me in awe. Today I aspire to be more focused on service to Master.
Master should but lately I've focused on myself, whining when he wants to use my body, complaining that I haven't had pleasure for several days; grumping when I have to get up to get him something; and even complaining when he leaves lights on behind him for me to turn off.
Last night I was lightly stroking Master's back as we lay in bed. He told me I'd made it itch and that I needed to rub some lotion into it because his skin was dry. I was a little grumpy about it but complied. Then something happened, I don't know what exactly but a feeling came over me and I proceeded to give him a very good rub down from neck to ankles. His back has been hurting as have his legs. I hoped to help relieve some of the aches. I'm not sure if I accomplished that or if I made it worse because the muscles are so tight. At the very least I moisturized his back and legs like gangbusters. While I was doing it my whole focus was on making him feel better. It was similar to being in "the zone" when I'm writing. It felt good and right.
Today I was reading posts on LE and the bootblacking forum I just joined, the depth of service and focus on service that some of these people have leaves me in awe. Today I aspire to be more focused on service to Master.
Tuesday, April 27, 2004
Change
After all the recent lessons I've had about change, still I want to kick and scream and fight against it; as if that's really going to stop things from changing. I know better, really I do. It's just so hard to change old patterns of behavior.
Yesterday afternoon Master came home and dropped two bits of news on me. The first was that he was going to be sent to Canada for a couple of days for work. No biggie, I was actually a bit excited for him because he's wanted to travel for work and he's never flown so this would be an opportunity for him to fly. The second was that he would be working overnight while they brought a technician from nights to days to see if they could work with him and rectify his poor performance. For the most part I was dealing okay with it, Master has worked nights before to cover other people's vacations. Then later, just before bed he decides to tell me that it will be for a month or so.
That's when I became upset, an entire month or more without Master in bed with me at night? With Saturdays being spent waiting for him to wake up and hoping that he'll have enough energy to go do something with me?
Master used to work overnight he's only worked days for a couple of years now. When he was on nights our lives were almost totally separate, it felt like he didn't really live here.
I'm scared that it will be like that again even though I know Master is a different person now than he was then. I don't want to be alone again. I don't want to feel alone again.
I can only imagine how he must feel and that's where I need to concentrate my thoughts. He's going to be at work all night and will have to try to sleep during the day, plus he'll be missing me and the kids. After talking with Master last night, I realized that I had let my focus shift from him to myself. He felt as if I were angry with him and that I was being unsupportive. I'm sorry Master for making you feel this way.
kharita posted something to the LE list today that made me really stop and think. It was advice to another slave who is having different issues. She suggested that she should lay it all at her Master's feet and let go of the control she's still holding onto. It's good advice for my situation too. Thank you kharita as always, your posts are very timely and your words are wise and insightful.
I did just that this afternoon with an e-mail to Master which will be followed up with a talk. I shared my fears and worries and apologized for getting wrapped up in my own stuff. This concern is his now and I'm going to focus on doing productive things that will help him relax and will make his life easier.
Yesterday afternoon Master came home and dropped two bits of news on me. The first was that he was going to be sent to Canada for a couple of days for work. No biggie, I was actually a bit excited for him because he's wanted to travel for work and he's never flown so this would be an opportunity for him to fly. The second was that he would be working overnight while they brought a technician from nights to days to see if they could work with him and rectify his poor performance. For the most part I was dealing okay with it, Master has worked nights before to cover other people's vacations. Then later, just before bed he decides to tell me that it will be for a month or so.
That's when I became upset, an entire month or more without Master in bed with me at night? With Saturdays being spent waiting for him to wake up and hoping that he'll have enough energy to go do something with me?
Master used to work overnight he's only worked days for a couple of years now. When he was on nights our lives were almost totally separate, it felt like he didn't really live here.
I'm scared that it will be like that again even though I know Master is a different person now than he was then. I don't want to be alone again. I don't want to feel alone again.
I can only imagine how he must feel and that's where I need to concentrate my thoughts. He's going to be at work all night and will have to try to sleep during the day, plus he'll be missing me and the kids. After talking with Master last night, I realized that I had let my focus shift from him to myself. He felt as if I were angry with him and that I was being unsupportive. I'm sorry Master for making you feel this way.
kharita posted something to the LE list today that made me really stop and think. It was advice to another slave who is having different issues. She suggested that she should lay it all at her Master's feet and let go of the control she's still holding onto. It's good advice for my situation too. Thank you kharita as always, your posts are very timely and your words are wise and insightful.
I did just that this afternoon with an e-mail to Master which will be followed up with a talk. I shared my fears and worries and apologized for getting wrapped up in my own stuff. This concern is his now and I'm going to focus on doing productive things that will help him relax and will make his life easier.
Monday, April 26, 2004
Hangovers
I've decided that hangovers really suck. But being taken care of so tenderly by Master is a special gift.
We went out drinking with our lifestyle friends Saturday night and overdid it just a wee bit. After five hours of sleep I woke up dizzy and with one of the world's worst tension headaches. The combination made me question whether I was going to keep the contents of my stomach where they belonged. After seeing my condition Master told me I was going to take my headache meds, drink some water, and get some more sleep. I requested toast and a heating pad which he brought upstairs to me. After eating my toast, taking my meds, and drinking my water I did indeed go back to sleep. In fact, I slept on and off for most of the day. After getting up I realized I was hungry, Master picked me up a burger and fries for lunch when he picked up Zboy from work. I dozed again while Master cooked dinner.
We spent time watching TV together last night after dinner. We watched Iron Chef America, which was fun. I wonder if he enjoyed it as much as I did. It wasn't just the program, I might not have watched it by myself, it was the company and being able to comment back and forth with him about it.
Yesterday was a pretty vanilla day for us but it was a good day. I thanked Master for taking such good care of me, I appreciated it so very much. It's one of the first times that I've been able to let him take care of me without questioning him or insisting that I do things on my own. He's given me a lot to be thankful for.
We went out drinking with our lifestyle friends Saturday night and overdid it just a wee bit. After five hours of sleep I woke up dizzy and with one of the world's worst tension headaches. The combination made me question whether I was going to keep the contents of my stomach where they belonged. After seeing my condition Master told me I was going to take my headache meds, drink some water, and get some more sleep. I requested toast and a heating pad which he brought upstairs to me. After eating my toast, taking my meds, and drinking my water I did indeed go back to sleep. In fact, I slept on and off for most of the day. After getting up I realized I was hungry, Master picked me up a burger and fries for lunch when he picked up Zboy from work. I dozed again while Master cooked dinner.
We spent time watching TV together last night after dinner. We watched Iron Chef America, which was fun. I wonder if he enjoyed it as much as I did. It wasn't just the program, I might not have watched it by myself, it was the company and being able to comment back and forth with him about it.
Yesterday was a pretty vanilla day for us but it was a good day. I thanked Master for taking such good care of me, I appreciated it so very much. It's one of the first times that I've been able to let him take care of me without questioning him or insisting that I do things on my own. He's given me a lot to be thankful for.
Saturday, April 24, 2004
Self-confidence
I've really got to say, it feels good to have some self-confidence. My newfound self-confidence was put to the test yesterday and passed with flying colors. Master and I played with a lady of my acquaintance.
I had not one pang of jealousy, not one twitch of feeling inadequate as I watched Master play with her and take pleasure from her. It was a wonderfully warm and sharing time for all of us. In the past I would have spent the entire time convincing myself that Master would come to prefer the other over me because I would have been sure that everything about her was superior to me.
All my life I've felt insecure and for the first time I feel secure and it feels good.
I had not one pang of jealousy, not one twitch of feeling inadequate as I watched Master play with her and take pleasure from her. It was a wonderfully warm and sharing time for all of us. In the past I would have spent the entire time convincing myself that Master would come to prefer the other over me because I would have been sure that everything about her was superior to me.
All my life I've felt insecure and for the first time I feel secure and it feels good.
Friday, April 16, 2004
Feeling little
Yesterday I felt playful, I felt like Daddy's lil girl, I put my hair up in piggie tails and hoped Daddy would notice when he got home from work.
He noticed but was too tired; he needed me to be growed up. That part sucks... having to be growed up and do growed up things when all I want to do is lay on the floor and color in my coloring book or curl up in Daddy's lap for a snuggle. Sometimes it is really difficult to balance my inner kid with being a slave. My inner kid, while still submissive, doesn't serve in the same capacity that I do as Master's slave.
It's not easy talking about my inner kid, sometimes I worry what others will think. Sometimes adult ageplayers are kind of looked down on, as if there's something wrong with us. Maybe talking about it would help those folks who think there's something wrong with adult ageplayers see that we're really OK.
It's been a long time since my lil was allowed all the way out. Most of the time she peeks out when we're at the store and we see cool toys or when Daddy calls her out at special times. Other than that she sits in silence while the 'dultz do what 'dultz do. She's feeling restless, she wants to play and she wants Daddy to play with her. She's also a little sulky 'cos Daddy was too tired yesterday. Even though the grown up slave knows things happen in Master's own time, the inner kid feels a little hurt when Daddy won't play.
He noticed but was too tired; he needed me to be growed up. That part sucks... having to be growed up and do growed up things when all I want to do is lay on the floor and color in my coloring book or curl up in Daddy's lap for a snuggle. Sometimes it is really difficult to balance my inner kid with being a slave. My inner kid, while still submissive, doesn't serve in the same capacity that I do as Master's slave.
It's not easy talking about my inner kid, sometimes I worry what others will think. Sometimes adult ageplayers are kind of looked down on, as if there's something wrong with us. Maybe talking about it would help those folks who think there's something wrong with adult ageplayers see that we're really OK.
It's been a long time since my lil was allowed all the way out. Most of the time she peeks out when we're at the store and we see cool toys or when Daddy calls her out at special times. Other than that she sits in silence while the 'dultz do what 'dultz do. She's feeling restless, she wants to play and she wants Daddy to play with her. She's also a little sulky 'cos Daddy was too tired yesterday. Even though the grown up slave knows things happen in Master's own time, the inner kid feels a little hurt when Daddy won't play.
Thursday, April 15, 2004
New projects
Well it seems my Lady has decided I need some new projects to keep me busy. I'm excited about the new projects. She's commissioned me to make her two sets of rope floggers and we've talked about her buying the tools I'd need to make leather floggers with the understanding that I'd owe her a leather flogger. Too cool!
I love to create things; it is very satisfying to be able to make something with my hands and even more satisfying when someone else appreciates what I've made.
I'm looking forward to the challenge of learning how to work with leather too. I promise I won't roll around on the living room floor in the leather...much. Leather fetish, moi? Oui! What can I say; I'm a leather slut... I love the scent, I love the texture, I love how it feels against my skin, and I especially love how men look in leather. *shivers*
Once upon a time in a land far, far away, when Master and I were first dating. He'd bought himself a leather biker jacket... one evening while I was visiting him, we went to his bedroom... put on some AC/DC tunes and he laid out his leather for me to lie on...and we had sex with me snuggled up in his leather jacket. It was good sex too, the toe curling, goose bump raising kind. Hard to imagine teenagers being able to have sex that good but he has always been an exceptional lover.
So, I have the prospect of new projects and having the scent of leather to surround me, I can't wait to get started!
I love to create things; it is very satisfying to be able to make something with my hands and even more satisfying when someone else appreciates what I've made.
I'm looking forward to the challenge of learning how to work with leather too. I promise I won't roll around on the living room floor in the leather...much. Leather fetish, moi? Oui! What can I say; I'm a leather slut... I love the scent, I love the texture, I love how it feels against my skin, and I especially love how men look in leather. *shivers*
Once upon a time in a land far, far away, when Master and I were first dating. He'd bought himself a leather biker jacket... one evening while I was visiting him, we went to his bedroom... put on some AC/DC tunes and he laid out his leather for me to lie on...and we had sex with me snuggled up in his leather jacket. It was good sex too, the toe curling, goose bump raising kind. Hard to imagine teenagers being able to have sex that good but he has always been an exceptional lover.
So, I have the prospect of new projects and having the scent of leather to surround me, I can't wait to get started!
Monday, April 12, 2004
My weekend
The weekend was good and bad. The good, Master and I married two of our good friends. He and I are ordained ministers with the Universal Life Church and were honored to have the privilege of performing their ceremony.
The bad, Master had a little bit too much to drink after the wedding and said a couple of things during conversation that felt hurtful to me. On the ride home I mentioned them and a combination of weeks of stress and too much drink culminated in him losing his temper with me and some very hurtful things being said.
I felt lost, scared, confused, and extremely hurt. In years past I would have gotten angry in return and would have held my own in the argument and I wouldn't have felt any of the feelings I felt this time. Despite loving him as much as I always have, I had barriers up... there were still walls around my heart that even he hadn't been allowed through. Since I began submitting to him those walls have slowly come down little by little. They simply aren't there any more where he's concerned.
We talked when we got home, he apologized for his behavior and we went out and spent the evening with my Lady and her boy. It turned out to be a very good night that ended well.
I thought we'd resolved Saturday's situation. Then yesterday after his nap Master called me upstairs. Once up there Master was cold and harsh. He spanked me, slapped me, strangled me, and used my mouth... then he got the handcuffs out and cuffed my hands behind my back. The tears started just before he'd gotten the handcuffs but weren't obvious until after I'd been cuffed and he'd roughed me up a bit more. I was sobbing by the time he realized things weren't right. Normally this type of play is fun for me... I love it as much, if not more than he does. But, after Saturday's unexpected outburst, I misinterpreted his sadistic mood as more anger. I went to a very little place inside and felt like my Daddy was angry with me. I was scared and didn't know what I'd done wrong.
After he'd gotten me calmed down with reassurances that he wasn't angry and would never do those sorts of things in anger, along with reminders that in the past with punishments he always makes sure I understand that I am being punished and why... I was able to articulate what had happened. I only just now understand how much of an impact his anger had on me. I internalized it all, somehow it was my fault...I'd displeased him. All those feelings I'd felt Saturday came back to me in a rush yesterday, I felt just as wretched as I had on Saturday, just as lost, just as scared, and just as hurt. I felt even worse when I realized why I was crying. I gained a new trigger Saturday and that's not a good thing. I didn't want to tell Master why I was crying, I knew it would make him feel bad and I didn't want that. Yet, he had to know. In a way, I felt as if I'd let him down. I felt as if I were weak for being so sensitive and for having no barriers against him.
We talked more and I felt better after our talk. Master says he'll tell me before playing like he wanted to play Sunday so that I'm aware that it is only play. I agree with him that this would be helpful in defusing the trigger. I hope that we can heal it because I'd miss playing as hard as we do.
I think we both learned quite a bit this weekend. I love him, as deeply now as before... perhaps deeper because instead of allowing what happened to drive us apart and using it as an excuse to build more walls... it brought us closer together and I remain as open to him as ever.
The bad, Master had a little bit too much to drink after the wedding and said a couple of things during conversation that felt hurtful to me. On the ride home I mentioned them and a combination of weeks of stress and too much drink culminated in him losing his temper with me and some very hurtful things being said.
I felt lost, scared, confused, and extremely hurt. In years past I would have gotten angry in return and would have held my own in the argument and I wouldn't have felt any of the feelings I felt this time. Despite loving him as much as I always have, I had barriers up... there were still walls around my heart that even he hadn't been allowed through. Since I began submitting to him those walls have slowly come down little by little. They simply aren't there any more where he's concerned.
We talked when we got home, he apologized for his behavior and we went out and spent the evening with my Lady and her boy. It turned out to be a very good night that ended well.
I thought we'd resolved Saturday's situation. Then yesterday after his nap Master called me upstairs. Once up there Master was cold and harsh. He spanked me, slapped me, strangled me, and used my mouth... then he got the handcuffs out and cuffed my hands behind my back. The tears started just before he'd gotten the handcuffs but weren't obvious until after I'd been cuffed and he'd roughed me up a bit more. I was sobbing by the time he realized things weren't right. Normally this type of play is fun for me... I love it as much, if not more than he does. But, after Saturday's unexpected outburst, I misinterpreted his sadistic mood as more anger. I went to a very little place inside and felt like my Daddy was angry with me. I was scared and didn't know what I'd done wrong.
After he'd gotten me calmed down with reassurances that he wasn't angry and would never do those sorts of things in anger, along with reminders that in the past with punishments he always makes sure I understand that I am being punished and why... I was able to articulate what had happened. I only just now understand how much of an impact his anger had on me. I internalized it all, somehow it was my fault...I'd displeased him. All those feelings I'd felt Saturday came back to me in a rush yesterday, I felt just as wretched as I had on Saturday, just as lost, just as scared, and just as hurt. I felt even worse when I realized why I was crying. I gained a new trigger Saturday and that's not a good thing. I didn't want to tell Master why I was crying, I knew it would make him feel bad and I didn't want that. Yet, he had to know. In a way, I felt as if I'd let him down. I felt as if I were weak for being so sensitive and for having no barriers against him.
We talked more and I felt better after our talk. Master says he'll tell me before playing like he wanted to play Sunday so that I'm aware that it is only play. I agree with him that this would be helpful in defusing the trigger. I hope that we can heal it because I'd miss playing as hard as we do.
I think we both learned quite a bit this weekend. I love him, as deeply now as before... perhaps deeper because instead of allowing what happened to drive us apart and using it as an excuse to build more walls... it brought us closer together and I remain as open to him as ever.
Wednesday, April 07, 2004
Trust
Last night Master was telling me about things he was planning on doing with me, things that will take me into uncomfortable territory. He asked me more than once if it made me nervous. I can't honestly say that I felt nervous.
My trust in him is that complete. I trust him to take me in and bring me through any experience. My life is his to mold as he sees fit, my body is his to use as he sees fit. That is what it means to me to be his slave. I don't need to be nervous because I know he won't do anything to or with me that will cause physical or mental harm. He has demonstrated that many times over.
Looking back at who I used to be and seeing just how far I've come in the realm of personal growth is pretty satisfying. Just two or three years ago I wouldn't have been capable of trust this deep. I wasn't ready.
This isn't to say that I don't still have trust issues because I do. I don't trust everyone the way I trust Master. I sometimes feel that I'm stingy and selfish with my trust and maybe I am in some ways. I still feel I have good reason to be. To trust is to open yourself up for hurts and sometimes the hurts are so great that they threaten to break you. No one wants to experience that level of hurt, especially if they've already been there before.
On the flip side of that, when you're able to trust you open yourself up for love and companionship. The more trust you give the more you open up, making room for more love. It's a leap of faith, to trust someone; you can't always see where you're going to land. Thank the Gods that I landed on the firm ground of Master's love and integrity.
My trust in him is that complete. I trust him to take me in and bring me through any experience. My life is his to mold as he sees fit, my body is his to use as he sees fit. That is what it means to me to be his slave. I don't need to be nervous because I know he won't do anything to or with me that will cause physical or mental harm. He has demonstrated that many times over.
Looking back at who I used to be and seeing just how far I've come in the realm of personal growth is pretty satisfying. Just two or three years ago I wouldn't have been capable of trust this deep. I wasn't ready.
This isn't to say that I don't still have trust issues because I do. I don't trust everyone the way I trust Master. I sometimes feel that I'm stingy and selfish with my trust and maybe I am in some ways. I still feel I have good reason to be. To trust is to open yourself up for hurts and sometimes the hurts are so great that they threaten to break you. No one wants to experience that level of hurt, especially if they've already been there before.
On the flip side of that, when you're able to trust you open yourself up for love and companionship. The more trust you give the more you open up, making room for more love. It's a leap of faith, to trust someone; you can't always see where you're going to land. Thank the Gods that I landed on the firm ground of Master's love and integrity.
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