The weekend was good and bad. The good, Master and I married two of our good friends. He and I are ordained ministers with the Universal Life Church and were honored to have the privilege of performing their ceremony.
The bad, Master had a little bit too much to drink after the wedding and said a couple of things during conversation that felt hurtful to me. On the ride home I mentioned them and a combination of weeks of stress and too much drink culminated in him losing his temper with me and some very hurtful things being said.
I felt lost, scared, confused, and extremely hurt. In years past I would have gotten angry in return and would have held my own in the argument and I wouldn't have felt any of the feelings I felt this time. Despite loving him as much as I always have, I had barriers up... there were still walls around my heart that even he hadn't been allowed through. Since I began submitting to him those walls have slowly come down little by little. They simply aren't there any more where he's concerned.
We talked when we got home, he apologized for his behavior and we went out and spent the evening with my Lady and her boy. It turned out to be a very good night that ended well.
I thought we'd resolved Saturday's situation. Then yesterday after his nap Master called me upstairs. Once up there Master was cold and harsh. He spanked me, slapped me, strangled me, and used my mouth... then he got the handcuffs out and cuffed my hands behind my back. The tears started just before he'd gotten the handcuffs but weren't obvious until after I'd been cuffed and he'd roughed me up a bit more. I was sobbing by the time he realized things weren't right. Normally this type of play is fun for me... I love it as much, if not more than he does. But, after Saturday's unexpected outburst, I misinterpreted his sadistic mood as more anger. I went to a very little place inside and felt like my Daddy was angry with me. I was scared and didn't know what I'd done wrong.
After he'd gotten me calmed down with reassurances that he wasn't angry and would never do those sorts of things in anger, along with reminders that in the past with punishments he always makes sure I understand that I am being punished and why... I was able to articulate what had happened. I only just now understand how much of an impact his anger had on me. I internalized it all, somehow it was my fault...I'd displeased him. All those feelings I'd felt Saturday came back to me in a rush yesterday, I felt just as wretched as I had on Saturday, just as lost, just as scared, and just as hurt. I felt even worse when I realized why I was crying. I gained a new trigger Saturday and that's not a good thing. I didn't want to tell Master why I was crying, I knew it would make him feel bad and I didn't want that. Yet, he had to know. In a way, I felt as if I'd let him down. I felt as if I were weak for being so sensitive and for having no barriers against him.
We talked more and I felt better after our talk. Master says he'll tell me before playing like he wanted to play Sunday so that I'm aware that it is only play. I agree with him that this would be helpful in defusing the trigger. I hope that we can heal it because I'd miss playing as hard as we do.
I think we both learned quite a bit this weekend. I love him, as deeply now as before... perhaps deeper because instead of allowing what happened to drive us apart and using it as an excuse to build more walls... it brought us closer together and I remain as open to him as ever.
