After all the recent lessons I've had about change, still I want to kick and scream and fight against it; as if that's really going to stop things from changing. I know better, really I do. It's just so hard to change old patterns of behavior.
Yesterday afternoon Master came home and dropped two bits of news on me. The first was that he was going to be sent to Canada for a couple of days for work. No biggie, I was actually a bit excited for him because he's wanted to travel for work and he's never flown so this would be an opportunity for him to fly. The second was that he would be working overnight while they brought a technician from nights to days to see if they could work with him and rectify his poor performance. For the most part I was dealing okay with it, Master has worked nights before to cover other people's vacations. Then later, just before bed he decides to tell me that it will be for a month or so.
That's when I became upset, an entire month or more without Master in bed with me at night? With Saturdays being spent waiting for him to wake up and hoping that he'll have enough energy to go do something with me?
Master used to work overnight he's only worked days for a couple of years now. When he was on nights our lives were almost totally separate, it felt like he didn't really live here.
I'm scared that it will be like that again even though I know Master is a different person now than he was then. I don't want to be alone again. I don't want to feel alone again.
I can only imagine how he must feel and that's where I need to concentrate my thoughts. He's going to be at work all night and will have to try to sleep during the day, plus he'll be missing me and the kids. After talking with Master last night, I realized that I had let my focus shift from him to myself. He felt as if I were angry with him and that I was being unsupportive. I'm sorry Master for making you feel this way.
kharita posted something to the LE list today that made me really stop and think. It was advice to another slave who is having different issues. She suggested that she should lay it all at her Master's feet and let go of the control she's still holding onto. It's good advice for my situation too. Thank you kharita as always, your posts are very timely and your words are wise and insightful.
I did just that this afternoon with an e-mail to Master which will be followed up with a talk. I shared my fears and worries and apologized for getting wrapped up in my own stuff. This concern is his now and I'm going to focus on doing productive things that will help him relax and will make his life easier.
