Teenagehood

I barely survived my own teenage years, I'm not sure I can survive my children's teenage years. Some days it feels like them or me.

After a weekend of our daughter doing a complete 180 and our son fighting against our minimum expectations... I'm mentally and emotionally exhausted.

I'm sick to death of being blamed for everything that's wrong in their lives. I can only do so much and I've done the best I can with the tools I have. I've tried to improve my parenting skills but I'll never be that cookie baking soccer mom, it isn't who I am.

Still, I keep trying, I can't give up on them. That isn't who I am either, no matter how much I want to run away from home right now. Running away never solved anything.

Panic attacks

I had a panic attack in the middle of the night last night. I'd gotten up to go to the bathroom, hadn't really been to sleep yet, and it happened while I was sitting there. I couldn't manage to control it with thought and ended up vocalizing... "I can't do this, I can't do this, I can't do this."

I hate panic attacks, I feel as if I'm about to fall off a cliff into a bottomless abyss, I feel as if I'm going to die immediately. I have the strong urge to run away and often to end the attack I have to move quickly from where I am to another area; most inconvenient when you're sitting on the commode or driving in the car, or even at work.

I woke Master up with my vocalizing and he was concerned about me. I feel bad for waking him; he didn't sleep well the night before and needs a good night of sleep. I am thankful he didn't ask me to talk about it; he just offered comfort in the way of asking if I were okay and snuggling with me when I came back to bed. I needed that.

Talking about my panic attacks is hard. Unless one has had an attack it is really hard to understand them. The best explanation I found was in a pamphlet in a psychiatrist's office.. it described it as a wonky fight or flight reaction. That's sort of how it feels, like I have to fight or run away but the urge to run away is much, much, much stronger. Only problem is, mine have no rhyme or reason, they just happen. I can go months and even a year without having one and then WHAMMO! I'll start having them on a semi-regular basis for a while.

I feel a bit depressed today; it seems to go hand in hand with the attacks. Sometimes I think about taking meds again but, I hated what they did to me. I'd rather stick with alternative methods of dealing with this stuff than deal with feeling disconnected from my body.

I'll live, I always do, but this stuff does get really old after a lifetime. I've been having these attacks since I was a child. Give us a break eh?

Positives and change

Doing the five positives a day assignment has helped me some. I've been able to focus more on the positives than the negatives. As soon as a negative pops into my head I am consciously aware of it and take steps to banish it.

It feels good to know that Master knows what is good for me and that he will take steps to make sure I get what is good for me. I feel cared for and nurtured in this way. It's strange, being nurtured; I never was as a child. It feels good and it makes me feel good about me, it makes me feel like I am worthy.

I'm all ready for school to start next week. I don't know how often I'll be able to journal right at the start. Until I settle into a routine I expect I'll be feeling a bit harried.

I'm dreading going back, I hate the first day of class with all that goofy getting-to-know-you stuff that teachers do. I'm nervous about my performance, will I maintain my good grades or will I stumble in these classes? The rational side of me says "Look, you've done very well so far in classes with heavy reading and writing of papers, you'll be fine." I should really listen to me huh?

You know, with the prices they charge for these books they really ought to read themselves for you.

At any rate, life is picking up again for me. My time as a hermit is over, no more hiding at home with my only human interaction being my family, online, and the lady at the checkout aisle. I think I'm ready for it.

What's so good about me?

Well now, after a long talk about my self-image, Master has given me an assignment. Every day I have to write five positive things about myself and give reasons why they're good.

1.) I'm a good friend
When I am your friend I am there for you 100% and will bend over backwards to help out if I can.

2.) I'm open-minded
I try not to make judgments about things until I've looked at all sides. I'm open to new experiences and knowledge.

3.) I have beautiful eyes
My emotions are mirrored in my eyes, they are very expressive. They have a nice shape to them and the color is a very rich hazel.

4.) I am a very creative person
I enjoy creating things and the things I create are often lovely and useful.

5.) I am intelligent
I have a good knowledge of a wide variety of topics and my thirst for knowledge is rarely quenched.

Wonder Woman

I wish I were her. I grew up watching that show wanting so much to be just like her; powerful, confident, able to do it all. Unfortunately, I'm human, not a superhero.

I keep trying to do it all and finding disappointment when I'm overwhelmed and left drowning by the waves of building responsibilities. Other people are able to juggle school, work, and family and even manage a social life, I should be able to do that too. Right? Wrong. For some reason I can't handle more than school, family, and very part-time social life. I can't even tread water much less swim if I do more than that.

For some reason it feels like a failure. I guess I still have unrealistic expectations of myself.

I tried to work in addition to planning to go back to school this summer after a three month long enforced hiatus due to financial aid cancellation. I won't be working just yet after all. While I'm relieved that I don't have to try to manage work just yet, I'm worrying over financial aid and whether I'll get what I need. I'm also scared that I won't be able to handle the three classes I'm registered for. In all my college history, every time I tried to take three classes I got overwhelmed and ended up dropping one. Two classes were just right and I did exceedingly well. So much rides on whether or not I do well this term.

Gods help me do well and help me handle my courses. I wish this stress would just go away. I've tried all the usual methods of relaxation and nothing is working. I'm increasingly irritable and anxious. I'd like a vacation right about now.

Of meltdowns and stress

Last night Master and I went to a play party/wedding reception held at the home of two of our Lifestyle friends.

We had a wonderful time; right up until the point Master wanted to play with me. I don't understand what came over me, I wanted to play, I needed to play. It had been a while since Master and I had had a chance to play. Kids and his having to work overnight have really conspired against us having any good S&M time.

Still, my head wasn't there. I couldn't force it to get there though I tried as I stood there cuffed to the cross. At one point Master had the knife point at the side of my neck, pressing it against my neck... it made me angry when normally it turns me into a puddle of goo. I felt combative. It got worse as Master changed implements. I don't know what he was hitting my butt with but it hurt and it made me angrier. I ended up crying in anger and frustration. I didn't want to ruin an opportunity to play so I continued to try to force my head into the right space. It just didn't work. Master stopped and took me down.

I was angry, frustrated, and underlying all of that, stressed. I think it was my stress that kept me from getting into the proper headspace. I've been stressing over going back to school, the possibility of having to work while I'm in school and the resultant resentment from the kids over having to be inside all day during the summer, and trying to sort out transportation issues since we're a one car family right now. Just thinking about it all has me scrunching my shoulders. I guess I should be thankful that I'm not having panic attacks over it all.

After talking a bit I was able to finally voice that I was stressed. I don't think I was truly aware of how stressed I was until last night. I'm still stressed today and I'm feeling guilty because Master decided that I'm not going to work while I'm in school. So he still has to bear the brunt of providing financially for our family. I feel like I'm defective because I have a hard time coping when there is more than one problem at a time.

More later if I can sort it out further.

Being productive

Today was a productive day. It was a *very* productive day. I got all set up to start back to school for the summer term. I was stoked when I came home this afternoon. This evening was spent with my Lady visiting a Fem Dom friend of ours which was wonderful. Thank you Master for allowing me a night out.

It feels good to have direction and to be doing something constructive, something that will allow me to help support our family. My Lady told me tonight that she'd like to hire me so I have to hurry up and finish my degree. Can you see why I love this woman? She's fantabulous and has such a generous spirit. I am truly blessed by the people in my life, truly.

Master has decided that he will get a second job while I'm in school to make ends meet. I have a hard time with this decision and I even argued with him a little about it. I feel guilty. It doesn't seem right to me that he should have to work so hard to support us while I go to school. I can't help feeling like I'm only making his life harder. He doesn't see it this way.

A new day

Today is a new day and I'm feeling more positive than I was a couple of days ago. Master is taking a more active role in my fitness goals. I'm very grateful for him and his guidance.

I got some excellent news in the mail yesterday; I'm being reinstated for financial aid at school. I was put on financial aid cancellation for being deficient by one credit after the fall term. I appealed the decision and I won! Yay! I have to meet a few requirements first but I'm happy to do so.
After talking to Master and my Lady, it has been decided that I will change my program of study from Legal Assistant to Administrative Assistant. I feel good about this decision. It is a degree I can complete. It wasn't so definite with the Legal Assistant degree because of the math requirements.

Tomorrow I go in to discuss things with an advisor and hopefully get registered for either the summer or the fall term.

It's strange but I feel like I have direction again. Over the past few months I've felt sort of like I've been living in a holding pattern. I guess, in a way, I was. I was waiting to see if I was going to get to finish school or if I was going to have to give it up for a while. I look forward to new challenges.

Blue

I'm feeling kind of down today. It started this morning with a top that Master had bought me just three weeks ago, it's too snug now and it looks ridiculous on me. I've gained weight.

I feel like beating myself up and calling myself all sorts of names but what good would it do? Would it do any good. Not really, so instead I feel badly about getting so out of control with my eating and look to Master to help me get it under control.

Still, I feel very discouraged. I feel like I'm gigantic and as big as a house. My body image has always been distorted, as a size 8 I felt as if I were huge. As a size 12 I was convinced that I was huge. I lived in fear of becoming as heavy as my mother, well; I am now nearly as heavy as she is. What is wrong with me that makes me eat so much? It would be so much easier if it could be chalked up to lack of self-control. "If you'd only push away from the table when you're full." I do. I put the fork down after I'm full. The problem is what makes me feel full is a whole lot more than what makes others feel full.

I feel so trapped by this. Drugs were easy to give up, I just quit buying them, quit using them. Giving up food isn't really an option.

I am frustrated. I am fat and it feels like such a dirty thing to be.

***************
It's a few hours later and I'm still feeling less than wonderful about myself. I watched part of The Swan tonight... shows like that are toxic for me, it gets me to fantasizing about a quick fix. After the fantasy wears off reality sets in, I'm going to have to work my butt off, literally.

I've made some positive changes in my diet and I really need to recognize them for what they are. I no longer drink regular soda on a daily basis, that's a big change from my 2 liters of Coke a day habit. I'm taking a good multivitamin. I try to keep healthier snacks on hand like granola bars, rice cakes, and things like that.

They're only baby steps but they're steps in the right direction. I get overwhelmed though, when I look ahead and see the gazillion miles ahead of me that are all uphill. Blinders, got to invest in a good pair of blinders, and something to keep me looking at the path in front of me instead of looking ahead.

Being human isn't all it's cracked up to be some days.

Profound Restlessness

I'm thinking profound thoughts, feeling profound emotions, and feeling restless; all at the same time.

Having Master working overnight is really difficult for both of us. He hates it, and I don't like being alone in bed at night.

I'm reading a new book it's called Geisha: A Life... it's the biography of Mineko Iwasaki, a retired geisha. It has been fascinating and has filled my head with images of myself being so graceful, so refined, and then I wonder how long I'd be able to maintain it. The answer? Not long.

So, instead of becoming discouraged I think of ways I can add some of the principles of the geisha into my service. Serving with passion and perfecting the art of my service... these are things I can do.

Learning new skills

Today's entry comes from a journal prompt at Kindlings
1. What skill would you like to learn to improve your service?

Grace, I'd like to learn how to be graceful. I'd like to learn how to control my body so I can move with grace and ease. I feel like a bull in a china shop most of the time. I bumble and stumble around at times. At least that's how it feels to me, I'm not sure how I appear.

Master has lovingly teased me about my clumsiness but has never stated that it displeases him or that I should do anything to change it. But still I feel as though it needs changing.

I watch documentaries about Geishas, I see other very graceful slaves, and I want to know their secret, how did they learn it? What's more, how can I learn it? I suppose one should start with taking the body off of autopilot and become mindful of one's movements. Easy peasy right? We'll see.