Last night Master and I went to a play party/wedding reception held at the home of two of our Lifestyle friends.
We had a wonderful time; right up until the point Master wanted to play with me. I don't understand what came over me, I wanted to play, I needed to play. It had been a while since Master and I had had a chance to play. Kids and his having to work overnight have really conspired against us having any good S&M time.
Still, my head wasn't there. I couldn't force it to get there though I tried as I stood there cuffed to the cross. At one point Master had the knife point at the side of my neck, pressing it against my neck... it made me angry when normally it turns me into a puddle of goo. I felt combative. It got worse as Master changed implements. I don't know what he was hitting my butt with but it hurt and it made me angrier. I ended up crying in anger and frustration. I didn't want to ruin an opportunity to play so I continued to try to force my head into the right space. It just didn't work. Master stopped and took me down.
I was angry, frustrated, and underlying all of that, stressed. I think it was my stress that kept me from getting into the proper headspace. I've been stressing over going back to school, the possibility of having to work while I'm in school and the resultant resentment from the kids over having to be inside all day during the summer, and trying to sort out transportation issues since we're a one car family right now. Just thinking about it all has me scrunching my shoulders. I guess I should be thankful that I'm not having panic attacks over it all.
After talking a bit I was able to finally voice that I was stressed. I don't think I was truly aware of how stressed I was until last night. I'm still stressed today and I'm feeling guilty because Master decided that I'm not going to work while I'm in school. So he still has to bear the brunt of providing financially for our family. I feel like I'm defective because I have a hard time coping when there is more than one problem at a time.
More later if I can sort it out further.
