I'm feeling kind of down today. It started this morning with a top that Master had bought me just three weeks ago, it's too snug now and it looks ridiculous on me. I've gained weight.
I feel like beating myself up and calling myself all sorts of names but what good would it do? Would it do any good. Not really, so instead I feel badly about getting so out of control with my eating and look to Master to help me get it under control.
Still, I feel very discouraged. I feel like I'm gigantic and as big as a house. My body image has always been distorted, as a size 8 I felt as if I were huge. As a size 12 I was convinced that I was huge. I lived in fear of becoming as heavy as my mother, well; I am now nearly as heavy as she is. What is wrong with me that makes me eat so much? It would be so much easier if it could be chalked up to lack of self-control. "If you'd only push away from the table when you're full." I do. I put the fork down after I'm full. The problem is what makes me feel full is a whole lot more than what makes others feel full.
I feel so trapped by this. Drugs were easy to give up, I just quit buying them, quit using them. Giving up food isn't really an option.
I am frustrated. I am fat and it feels like such a dirty thing to be.
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It's a few hours later and I'm still feeling less than wonderful about myself. I watched part of The Swan tonight... shows like that are toxic for me, it gets me to fantasizing about a quick fix. After the fantasy wears off reality sets in, I'm going to have to work my butt off, literally.
I've made some positive changes in my diet and I really need to recognize them for what they are. I no longer drink regular soda on a daily basis, that's a big change from my 2 liters of Coke a day habit. I'm taking a good multivitamin. I try to keep healthier snacks on hand like granola bars, rice cakes, and things like that.
They're only baby steps but they're steps in the right direction. I get overwhelmed though, when I look ahead and see the gazillion miles ahead of me that are all uphill. Blinders, got to invest in a good pair of blinders, and something to keep me looking at the path in front of me instead of looking ahead.
Being human isn't all it's cracked up to be some days.
