I had a panic attack in the middle of the night last night. I'd gotten up to go to the bathroom, hadn't really been to sleep yet, and it happened while I was sitting there. I couldn't manage to control it with thought and ended up vocalizing... "I can't do this, I can't do this, I can't do this."
I hate panic attacks, I feel as if I'm about to fall off a cliff into a bottomless abyss, I feel as if I'm going to die immediately. I have the strong urge to run away and often to end the attack I have to move quickly from where I am to another area; most inconvenient when you're sitting on the commode or driving in the car, or even at work.
I woke Master up with my vocalizing and he was concerned about me. I feel bad for waking him; he didn't sleep well the night before and needs a good night of sleep. I am thankful he didn't ask me to talk about it; he just offered comfort in the way of asking if I were okay and snuggling with me when I came back to bed. I needed that.
Talking about my panic attacks is hard. Unless one has had an attack it is really hard to understand them. The best explanation I found was in a pamphlet in a psychiatrist's office.. it described it as a wonky fight or flight reaction. That's sort of how it feels, like I have to fight or run away but the urge to run away is much, much, much stronger. Only problem is, mine have no rhyme or reason, they just happen. I can go months and even a year without having one and then WHAMMO! I'll start having them on a semi-regular basis for a while.
I feel a bit depressed today; it seems to go hand in hand with the attacks. Sometimes I think about taking meds again but, I hated what they did to me. I'd rather stick with alternative methods of dealing with this stuff than deal with feeling disconnected from my body.
I'll live, I always do, but this stuff does get really old after a lifetime. I've been having these attacks since I was a child. Give us a break eh?
