Zen and the masochist

Master and I went to a play party at the home of our friends Master J and his girl m on Saturday night. M'Lady and her boy K were there too. It's always fun when our little tribe is all together.

It was supposed to be a formal protocol night with formal D/s etc. It didn't quite end up that way but it was certainly fun anyway.

The evening started with a bit of chit chat, and then K and m were teased and tormented a bit as they were bound together for being cheeky.

Sometime later, Master brought me into the medical room and prepared to do a cutting on my back. It was intense; he cut a bit deeper this time. I focused on taking slow deep breaths as the blade skimmed through my flesh. I giggled as I felt the blood run down my back. Lest you think I'm deranged, it feels extremely strange to have rivulets of your own blood running down your back.
Bleeding like that under Master's hand is cleansing, almost purifying.

After we cleaned up we went out into the other room and I bent over and leaned against the couch. Then I waggled my behind at Master who promptly gave me a few nice swats. I purred and relaxed into his hands.

This was all the encouragement he and m'Lady needed; they proceeded to tear my butt up with whippy, stingy things. Oh no, I couldn't get a nice spanking, not from two sadists, it had to be stingy whippy things.

They decided that the cross would be a better location so after I was blindfolded they moved me to the cross. They had me disrobe and then told me to lean against the cross. No cuffs to force me to stay in place, nothing but the implied command to stay put. That implied command keeps me in place far better than if I were fully restrained. Strangely enough, being restrained seems to give me permission to flail and move about.

It started then, I can't even tell you what came first or when, there were canes, paddles, hands, floggers, and other things I'm unsure of, all used on my behind and the left side of my back, punctuated by m'Lady sneaking around to bite and suck my breasts. It was intense. Some of the hits had me gasping and holding my breath as I waited for the burn to ease up.

Near the end she used canes on my behind, there were times I didn't think I could take any more but each time I'd take a few deep breaths and then get back into position to take more. Master whispered in my ear that if I wanted it to stop all I had to do was call 'red'. He reminded me since I was playing with m'Lady I did have a safe word.

Trouble was, I just couldn't code, the word 'red' shimmered in my mind but it just wouldn't make its way to my lips. I was a glutton for all m'Lady would dish out. I craved it even as I wanted to shy away from it. M'Lady said I stopped flinching and that's when she called an end to things.

They led me over to the couch and I curled up with Master and basked in the glow.

There was more to the evening than the play, there were lively discussions and I was able to serve without having to switch back into "mommy mode".

Yesterday I felt very Zen, very centered, and at peace even though I woke up with a tension headache. I felt contentment as I woke Master and saw to his needs throughout the day. Each drink served was an act of worship.

I delighted in the subtle pains from bruises and the new cutting. Even as I sit here typing this morning I periodically rotate my right shoulder to feel the healing cutting and to make it ache just a little. I'm a masochist and I won't apologize for it, it's a big part of who I am and I can't really be apologetic for being myself.

Things to ponder

Master and I had a bit of a disagreement last night and it's given me pause. We were discussing the upcoming weekend and the possibility of playing with a submissive. After I told him the possibility existed I said "but I haven't really been feeling all that toppish lately."

At this point his Masterly flags went up and he took exception to what I said. It came across to him as my saying it wasn't going to happen because *I* didn't feel like doing it. He took it for a refusal.

I didn't think that was my intent, I believed I was just communicating my feelings to him. I took offense, felt hurt, and told him I felt like I'd just been jumped on for expressing my feelings.

The more I think about it the more I wonder if maybe his perception was closer to the truth than I'd like to admit. I know full well that he takes my feelings into consideration and often won't do things or make me do things I really don't feel up to.

I think, knowing this, I voiced my feelings about not feeling toppish with the firm belief that he wouldn't make me do it because of my feelings.

I've gotten used to having my feelings taken into consideration and I think I've begun to take it for granted that my feelings matter. They do because he says they do, to an extent, but not to the extent that his feelings become secondary.

I guess, looking at this, I've been self-centered and not at all focused on him. It's hard sometimes, to forget the self and focus on someone else; especially when I'm sick or hurting, most especially then.

I don't much like admitting this about myself. But I know it's the right thing to do and the only way I'm going to improve in my service to him.

I wonder though, how can I communicate my feelings to him without it coming across as a refusal? One thing I know for certain, examine my motive for sharing my feelings before opening my mouth. If I'm sharing in hopes of influencing his decision I should probably just keep my lips together.

What have I been up to?

Between catching up on homework that I had let slide and other life stuff, I've been a busy girl.

I can't believe I let a month's worth of homework slide in one of my classes. I'm still a little behind but I'm slowly but surely getting it caught up. I'm actually ahead in my advanced computer apps course. I'll be glad to be done with these classes.

Master and I went to the Dinner and Discussion that one of our kinky group's members runs and then to a play party at her home afterwards. M'Lady was there with her boy too. We got to listen as she played with a boi of our acquaintance which was a treat, lots of giggles and plenty of grunts and groans too. Then it was my turn. Master and m'Lady decided to have at me.

M'Lady started with clothespins on my breasts...it wasn't long before I was taking slow, deep breaths just so I could cope with the clothespins pinching that tender flesh. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I really hate breast torture. But, as I told m'Lady, whatever makes her happy.

We'd started on the spanking bench but had to move downstairs to the bondage bed because I couldn't hold the position they wanted me in, it was killing my knees. What I wouldn't have given for a pair of good knee pads at that moment so I could have held the position they originally wanted me in.

So I gingerly walked downstairs, with clothespins still adorning my breasts, to the bondage bed and again, very gingerly, climbed up on it. They had me lie down on my back so they could torture my front. It was to be a night of torture they'd decided. They mercilessly tortured my breasts with the clothespins on until I was in tears. There were clothespins on my labia, clothespins on my inner arm too. Snake bite suction cups were attached all over the place... the Extractor (snake bite suction tube) was placed on my clitoris.

After they decided to remove the clothespins from my breasts the scene turned from one of torture to a combination resistance/comedy scene. Master decided to lick my toes and my reflexive reaction is to kick and try to get away while giggling and cursing at him. Once he tired of my toes he began biting me all over while m'Lady held me. It was a good ending to a good time. I was worn out and a bit light headed but definitely floating on a nice endorphin high.

Thankfully neither Master nor m'Lady were feeling very sadistic, she'd already worn herself out a bit on the nice boi. Thank you very much for wearing her out r!

My pain tolerances aren't what they once were and I did spend a little time afterwards mourning that fact and feeling a little bit like I'd disappointed because of that. Master assured me that he enjoyed himself and that he actually likes it when my tolerances aren't so high; less effort to get the same reactions.

Sunday was spent with just Master and I, fooling around and running errands...it's a good way to spend a Sunday.

Yesterday saw me at my family doctor's office finally getting a referral to a pain management doc. Hopefully we'll find a way for me to function with less pain. I need to be able to function and not feel like I have to suffer to do it. I'm hopeful but cautiously so. I know there is a limit to what can be done and to what I can expect.

A little blue

The evening didn't go at all as I'd hoped. Master came home exhausted from not sleeping well and needed a nap. Then we had a bit of a talk about the work situation.

I haven't worked since the week before last, the client hasn't needed me. The finances aren't pretty right now. Master is working on getting a PT job but needs me to work until Christmas. I get such a feeling of despair when I think about going back to work. I told Master that it sucks, I have to work to live but when I work there's not much of a life to live. The pain gets so bad that I spend my time away from work trying in vain to find some relief. I have absolutely no energy or desire to do anything but lie around in a vegetative state. I never understood before how constant pain could make a person tired, I do now...it not only makes you tired it leaves you wrung out and exhausted.

I accept the reality of what I have to do but I don't much like it.

After the talk we made dinner and then took Her Royal Shortness (HRS) to do her birthday shopping. It's a strange tradition that started a couple of years ago with Zboy when master took him to pick out a new bike for his birthday. The kids seem to enjoy it. HRS had fun picking out new clothes and trying them on and then she got to shop for a new Bratz doll... she ended up getting Bratz Twins. The girl has a Bratz fixation, although I can't help but like the dolls myself. I teased her that since her birthday isn't until tomorrow she couldn't play with her new dolls until then. I assured her that I would play with them tonight for her. *giggles*

Tonight marked a milestone in HRS's life, she got her first training bra tonight. I mourned her growing up when she started Kindergarten so this was cake. Not such a big deal at all; though she did have a firm say in the color of her bras, blue and white. Blue is her favorite color.

After the shopping trip Master and I brought HRS home and left her with Zboy and Zgirl while we went for a short ride. We stopped at Sonic and had dessert. On the way home we discussed the holidays and I'll admit I got a bit upset when he said that next year we were staying home and celebrating the holidays with just the kids. It wouldn't feel like a holiday if we did that. It would take a lot of the joy out of the season for me, especially since Zgirl is becoming so anti-family and anti-celebration. I don't know about anyone else but it's hard for me to feel celebratory when I'm surrounded by negativity with no positivity to balance it out.

I feel like he'd be happier if I didn't want to celebrate the holidays at all. He's lost most of his enjoyment of them and it seems like he's trying to take mine too. I know that isn't his intention but that's how it feels.

I've always loved the holidays, I don't know how I've kept my sense of wonder and excitement with a mother who hated the holidays and made everyone around her miserable, but I have.

Maybe it's my innerkid but the first snow always seems magical and I get giddy inside when I see those first flakes. I look forward to the day after Thanksgiving because that's the day I start playing Christmas music, even though I'm Pagan the music moves me. The weekend after Thanksgiving we get to put up the Christmas tree and I feel such a sense of joy and excitement watching the tree go up and then watching it go from plain to sparkly and shiny. I love decorating the tree with the kids, always saving the tree topper for Master to put on. That feels like home to me, that's Christmas, sharing happy moments with my family; celebrating with my family even if we don't all believe the same things.

I love the shared meals too, I get to cook for my loved ones and I get to spend time with them that I don't always get to spend with them the rest of the year.

I don't know how to make Master or Zgirl, who is protesting spending the holidays with other family too, understand. I don't know how to share my enjoyment with them because they can't feel it. I wish they could feel just a little bit of what I feel, maybe then they wouldn't complain or drag their feet so much and suck the fun out of it for the rest of us.

The rest of the night was spent watching a little TV and then off to bed. Master got just a bit excited when he found out my breasts were tender, he squeezed and kneaded them and got very aroused by my grunts and groans. We had a before bed quickie then soon after he dropped off to sleep.

Me, I'm sitting here writing this because I'm just not tired enough to sleep yet.

Foul mood

I don't know what was going on but the most incredibly foul mood came over me last night. Master made a comment and something about his tone hit me all wrong, it felt like he was yelling at me for no reason whatsoever. I instantly went into defensive mode and yelled back.

After I yelled I realized I was in the wrong but was still in the grip of the foul mood so I decided discretion was the better part of valor and kept my mouth shut.

A few minutes later the mood was gone. I think I'm PMS'ing. It's been a few months since I've had mood swings so last night's was unexpected. I really don't miss the mood swings and I hope this one was the first and last for this month.

I'm really missing playing, Master and I were supposed to be making time to play on a regular basis but we haven't managed to do so yet. I think he's wiped out by stress and I try very hard not to make demands on him. I understand being too stressed out to be interested in doing much of anything.

Master did say something last night about playing tonight after dinner; I'll have to remind him of his suggestion. Here's hoping he's in the mood.

Heartache

Yesterday was a tough day in the world of parenthood and a surprising day in Master's career.

First, the oldest girl... she's hurting and she's angry. And we feel like we owe her the biggest apology in the world but we know it won't fix the hurts. We trusted and allowed the man into our family who ultimately hurt her. I knew at the time how much damage it did but she wouldn't let us in, she wouldn't let anyone in.

Yesterday some of it spilled out when we were trying to explain to her why we didn't want her driving to Cedar Falls (very long trip from here) with her teenaged friends.

She's got major trust issues with anyone who cares about her. Her thought processes, her feelings, they could all be mine, they're that similar. She believes that if you let people close to you they'll hurt you. Gods I can't even number the years that I spent believing that. I still do to a small degree; it's why I'm wary of the friends I allow to meet my children. I am constantly on guard when others are around my children.

Despite the knowledge that I'm not a superhero, I still feel as if I failed her. My heart felt as if it were being torn to shreds yesterday, watching her crying and telling us that she believed what happened was her fault. No baby it was Mommy and Daddy's fault, we let that monster near you and couldn't believe what our red flags were telling us. That's what I wanted to tell her, instead I tried to make her believe that it wasn't her fault that it was his fault, he preyed on her trusting nature, and he abused the power of his relationship with her. Gods I want to hurt him for ever doing this to our family, to our little girl.

I remember when we found out, one night lying in bed alone while Master was at work, I prayed to Kali to give me the strength to do what needed to be done to see the monster behind bars. I prayed and prayed until a peace filled me, a certain knowledge that justice would be done. It wasn't easy but I did see it through until the end and he is behind bars. I faced him and I think she needs to but isn't ready.

I would send her to a therapist but I believe she will see it as a betrayal right now. One more person we've "told", one more person she's "expected" to let in close. I had her in therapy as soon as we found out the abuse had happened but she was resistant, she made us miserable for taking her, she was miserable. I relented and stopped taking her. Maybe it was the wrong decision but I needed to make peace with her, I needed to make peace for her.

She spent the rest of yesterday angry and upset with us. We're the easy targets, we're safe.

Before the upset with the girl Master told me there were some possible major changes at work. There is talk of moving him into an engineering position. It would mean a substantial raise for him. It would also mean longer hours at work and occasional travel to other states. I don't like the idea of him having to travel but when the kids are older I could sometimes go with him.

I like the idea of traveling with him and being able to do touristy things while he's at work and then having nice romantic dinners when he's done with work. I really do love him and I think we're the luckiest people in the world to be so in love with each other. He tells me of his friends at work who aren't even friends with their wives, they're miserable and can't stand being with them. It boggles the mind really.

Homework day

I have been slacking off on my homework. I have been what I would consider to be a bad student. I just haven't had the energy to spend on homework and doing well in class.

I find it hard to care about school when my back hurts so much that I can't even concentrate on the tasks at hand. Having a few days off from work has been wonderful. My back is feeling pretty good today so I took advantage and spent the day catching up in one of my classes and will spend the rest of the day catching up in the other.

I feel good about getting caught up and I hope I can raise my grades to something more acceptable.

The weekend

Our weekend was a bit of a let down. Master had a migraine Saturday so we weren't able to go to the party and subsequently, didn't get to do the cutting demo.

I was looking forward to the entire night and was disappointed but I was more concerned about his health. At first I felt very pouty and wanted to throw a fit about not being able to go. It was hard to keep the poutiness out of my voice and I'm sure I wasn't entirely successful. On the drive home, however, the poutiness seemed to leak out of me and my concern for him replaced it. We got home and we lounged on the couch watching TV all night. We went to bed early and slept late Sunday.

I think the extra sleep did him some good; his headache was gone by morning; although, a grouchy irritableness had descended on me. Everything and everyone was driving me to distraction. Teasing comments that would have earned a teasing come back from me, felt personal and upset me.

I felt like nothing I could do or say was the right thing. It was just one of those days. We went to the store and on the drive there I did my best to calm down and find my center. It wasn't easy but by the time we got home Master and I both felt better. My mood had set off a dark mood in him. It could have been a terrible day but we managed to salvage it and had a good afternoon/evening together.

I am proud of myself, last night before bed; I asked Master if we could make a little time to play this week. I realized that some of my bad mood earlier in the day could have been related to frustration over Saturday night and a need to play. Asking for what I need is getting easier. Being able to ask for something I need is a relief. Now, it's up to him to decide if I really need it or not and that feels good too.

Back...again

I went to my appointment with the specialist yesterday with a small amount of hope that he might be able to help me manage this pain. No dice Jack.

After he comes in and looks at my chart and hears what I have to say he says "What would you like me to do?" My jaw probably hit the floor at that point. He's the doctor, isn't he supposed to have the ideas? I asked him "What can we do?" He reiterated his previous statement (from the last appointment) that there is nothing surgically he can do. What I'm getting from him is that since there's nothing surgically to be done that's it, I'm on my own.

He told me if I lost 100 pounds that might help, it would certainly relieve some of the stress on my back. He might as well have told me to climb Mt. Everest tomorrow for all the good that's going to do to get me through each day until I can lose the weight. IF I can lose the weight.

He also told me to get a job, when I asked what I should do about work, that doesn't have me sitting or standing in place. I probably looked at him cross-eyed when he said that. I'd already told him that I can only manage about an hour of walking before I'm done in. The man just didn't seem to be listening. I feel like he didn't want to see me at all.

He did prescribe water aerobics which, and I agree, would be good for me. But unless it is done on a one on one basis, our insurance won't cover it. He suggested I check out a weight loss program at the bariatric center of one of the local hospitals. I got scheduled to go to the next info seminar that they have but I have little hope of actually being able to go through the program, our insurance doesn't cover anything to do with weight loss.

Yesterday I felt hopeless, useless, defeated, and resigned to living with this pain. I cried as soon as I got to the car, barely able to contain my tears until that point. I cried during the drive home and then again when Master got home and asked me how the appointment went.

I hate, hate, hate, hate, that I have back problems. It makes me angry that working makes me hurt so bad that the rest of my time is spent in pain. It makes it hard to enjoy doing anything. The pain affects my service, it affects everything.

Master says he will get a part-time job soon so I don't have to work. I can't help feeling like a burden. I want to work, I want to help out around here, and I don't want Master to have to do it all.

I feel like he should resent me. I guess that would feed into my negative feelings about myself. It's a good thing he's wiser than I am and didn't act resentful at all yesterday.

Exhausted musings

My mind is exhausted, my body is too, but the pain keeps me awake, constantly shifting position in bed to find one that isn't as painful as the previous one was. I'm concerned that my restlessness disturbs Master's sleep. I'm concerned that seeing my discomfort is causing him undue worry and stress.

Work is going well; I'm picking up on each task presented to me pretty quickly. Actually, thus far, it's very simple work that doesn't require a lot of mental effort. I actually battle through the morning to keep myself from nodding off. I wonder what they'd say if I did nod off? Gods, at those moments a nap would feel SO good and I want nothing more than to curl up somewhere, even under the table, for a good solid hour or two of uninterrupted sleep.

I'm looking forward to this weekend's play party; it looks to be a smaller one. While I like the small parties, I wonder if the low numbers are due to us presenting the blood play demo. Perhaps I'm trying to take blame that just isn't mine to take.

I am looking forward to the cutting and the play piercing. Master has yet to decide on a design for this cutting. I was partial to the Kanji symbol for slave but Master is partial to Runes. Guess who wins? *grins*

You know, it's a lucky thing that I am not hung up on scars and such, I love being Master's canvas and I love seeing the permanent reminders of his work on my flesh. His marks in my flesh mark me as his more surely than the collar he gifted me with. Bleeding for him is the deepest form of submission I can think of... offering up my life force for his pleasure. There is power in the blood.