Master and I had a bit of a disagreement last night and it's given me pause. We were discussing the upcoming weekend and the possibility of playing with a submissive. After I told him the possibility existed I said "but I haven't really been feeling all that toppish lately."
At this point his Masterly flags went up and he took exception to what I said. It came across to him as my saying it wasn't going to happen because *I* didn't feel like doing it. He took it for a refusal.
I didn't think that was my intent, I believed I was just communicating my feelings to him. I took offense, felt hurt, and told him I felt like I'd just been jumped on for expressing my feelings.
The more I think about it the more I wonder if maybe his perception was closer to the truth than I'd like to admit. I know full well that he takes my feelings into consideration and often won't do things or make me do things I really don't feel up to.
I think, knowing this, I voiced my feelings about not feeling toppish with the firm belief that he wouldn't make me do it because of my feelings.
I've gotten used to having my feelings taken into consideration and I think I've begun to take it for granted that my feelings matter. They do because he says they do, to an extent, but not to the extent that his feelings become secondary.
I guess, looking at this, I've been self-centered and not at all focused on him. It's hard sometimes, to forget the self and focus on someone else; especially when I'm sick or hurting, most especially then.
I don't much like admitting this about myself. But I know it's the right thing to do and the only way I'm going to improve in my service to him.
I wonder though, how can I communicate my feelings to him without it coming across as a refusal? One thing I know for certain, examine my motive for sharing my feelings before opening my mouth. If I'm sharing in hopes of influencing his decision I should probably just keep my lips together.
