Yesterday was a tough day in the world of parenthood and a surprising day in Master's career.
First, the oldest girl... she's hurting and she's angry. And we feel like we owe her the biggest apology in the world but we know it won't fix the hurts. We trusted and allowed the man into our family who ultimately hurt her. I knew at the time how much damage it did but she wouldn't let us in, she wouldn't let anyone in.
Yesterday some of it spilled out when we were trying to explain to her why we didn't want her driving to Cedar Falls (very long trip from here) with her teenaged friends.
She's got major trust issues with anyone who cares about her. Her thought processes, her feelings, they could all be mine, they're that similar. She believes that if you let people close to you they'll hurt you. Gods I can't even number the years that I spent believing that. I still do to a small degree; it's why I'm wary of the friends I allow to meet my children. I am constantly on guard when others are around my children.
Despite the knowledge that I'm not a superhero, I still feel as if I failed her. My heart felt as if it were being torn to shreds yesterday, watching her crying and telling us that she believed what happened was her fault. No baby it was Mommy and Daddy's fault, we let that monster near you and couldn't believe what our red flags were telling us. That's what I wanted to tell her, instead I tried to make her believe that it wasn't her fault that it was his fault, he preyed on her trusting nature, and he abused the power of his relationship with her. Gods I want to hurt him for ever doing this to our family, to our little girl.
I remember when we found out, one night lying in bed alone while Master was at work, I prayed to Kali to give me the strength to do what needed to be done to see the monster behind bars. I prayed and prayed until a peace filled me, a certain knowledge that justice would be done. It wasn't easy but I did see it through until the end and he is behind bars. I faced him and I think she needs to but isn't ready.
I would send her to a therapist but I believe she will see it as a betrayal right now. One more person we've "told", one more person she's "expected" to let in close. I had her in therapy as soon as we found out the abuse had happened but she was resistant, she made us miserable for taking her, she was miserable. I relented and stopped taking her. Maybe it was the wrong decision but I needed to make peace with her, I needed to make peace for her.
She spent the rest of yesterday angry and upset with us. We're the easy targets, we're safe.
Before the upset with the girl Master told me there were some possible major changes at work. There is talk of moving him into an engineering position. It would mean a substantial raise for him. It would also mean longer hours at work and occasional travel to other states. I don't like the idea of him having to travel but when the kids are older I could sometimes go with him.
I like the idea of traveling with him and being able to do touristy things while he's at work and then having nice romantic dinners when he's done with work. I really do love him and I think we're the luckiest people in the world to be so in love with each other. He tells me of his friends at work who aren't even friends with their wives, they're miserable and can't stand being with them. It boggles the mind really.
