I went to my appointment with the specialist yesterday with a small amount of hope that he might be able to help me manage this pain. No dice Jack.
After he comes in and looks at my chart and hears what I have to say he says "What would you like me to do?" My jaw probably hit the floor at that point. He's the doctor, isn't he supposed to have the ideas? I asked him "What can we do?" He reiterated his previous statement (from the last appointment) that there is nothing surgically he can do. What I'm getting from him is that since there's nothing surgically to be done that's it, I'm on my own.
He told me if I lost 100 pounds that might help, it would certainly relieve some of the stress on my back. He might as well have told me to climb Mt. Everest tomorrow for all the good that's going to do to get me through each day until I can lose the weight. IF I can lose the weight.
He also told me to get a job, when I asked what I should do about work, that doesn't have me sitting or standing in place. I probably looked at him cross-eyed when he said that. I'd already told him that I can only manage about an hour of walking before I'm done in. The man just didn't seem to be listening. I feel like he didn't want to see me at all.
He did prescribe water aerobics which, and I agree, would be good for me. But unless it is done on a one on one basis, our insurance won't cover it. He suggested I check out a weight loss program at the bariatric center of one of the local hospitals. I got scheduled to go to the next info seminar that they have but I have little hope of actually being able to go through the program, our insurance doesn't cover anything to do with weight loss.
Yesterday I felt hopeless, useless, defeated, and resigned to living with this pain. I cried as soon as I got to the car, barely able to contain my tears until that point. I cried during the drive home and then again when Master got home and asked me how the appointment went.
I hate, hate, hate, hate, that I have back problems. It makes me angry that working makes me hurt so bad that the rest of my time is spent in pain. It makes it hard to enjoy doing anything. The pain affects my service, it affects everything.
Master says he will get a part-time job soon so I don't have to work. I can't help feeling like a burden. I want to work, I want to help out around here, and I don't want Master to have to do it all.
I feel like he should resent me. I guess that would feed into my negative feelings about myself. It's a good thing he's wiser than I am and didn't act resentful at all yesterday.
