The evening didn't go at all as I'd hoped. Master came home exhausted from not sleeping well and needed a nap. Then we had a bit of a talk about the work situation.
I haven't worked since the week before last, the client hasn't needed me. The finances aren't pretty right now. Master is working on getting a PT job but needs me to work until Christmas. I get such a feeling of despair when I think about going back to work. I told Master that it sucks, I have to work to live but when I work there's not much of a life to live. The pain gets so bad that I spend my time away from work trying in vain to find some relief. I have absolutely no energy or desire to do anything but lie around in a vegetative state. I never understood before how constant pain could make a person tired, I do now...it not only makes you tired it leaves you wrung out and exhausted.
I accept the reality of what I have to do but I don't much like it.
After the talk we made dinner and then took Her Royal Shortness (HRS) to do her birthday shopping. It's a strange tradition that started a couple of years ago with Zboy when master took him to pick out a new bike for his birthday. The kids seem to enjoy it. HRS had fun picking out new clothes and trying them on and then she got to shop for a new Bratz doll... she ended up getting Bratz Twins. The girl has a Bratz fixation, although I can't help but like the dolls myself. I teased her that since her birthday isn't until tomorrow she couldn't play with her new dolls until then. I assured her that I would play with them tonight for her. *giggles*
Tonight marked a milestone in HRS's life, she got her first training bra tonight. I mourned her growing up when she started Kindergarten so this was cake. Not such a big deal at all; though she did have a firm say in the color of her bras, blue and white. Blue is her favorite color.
After the shopping trip Master and I brought HRS home and left her with Zboy and Zgirl while we went for a short ride. We stopped at Sonic and had dessert. On the way home we discussed the holidays and I'll admit I got a bit upset when he said that next year we were staying home and celebrating the holidays with just the kids. It wouldn't feel like a holiday if we did that. It would take a lot of the joy out of the season for me, especially since Zgirl is becoming so anti-family and anti-celebration. I don't know about anyone else but it's hard for me to feel celebratory when I'm surrounded by negativity with no positivity to balance it out.
I feel like he'd be happier if I didn't want to celebrate the holidays at all. He's lost most of his enjoyment of them and it seems like he's trying to take mine too. I know that isn't his intention but that's how it feels.
I've always loved the holidays, I don't know how I've kept my sense of wonder and excitement with a mother who hated the holidays and made everyone around her miserable, but I have.
Maybe it's my innerkid but the first snow always seems magical and I get giddy inside when I see those first flakes. I look forward to the day after Thanksgiving because that's the day I start playing Christmas music, even though I'm Pagan the music moves me. The weekend after Thanksgiving we get to put up the Christmas tree and I feel such a sense of joy and excitement watching the tree go up and then watching it go from plain to sparkly and shiny. I love decorating the tree with the kids, always saving the tree topper for Master to put on. That feels like home to me, that's Christmas, sharing happy moments with my family; celebrating with my family even if we don't all believe the same things.
I love the shared meals too, I get to cook for my loved ones and I get to spend time with them that I don't always get to spend with them the rest of the year.
I don't know how to make Master or Zgirl, who is protesting spending the holidays with other family too, understand. I don't know how to share my enjoyment with them because they can't feel it. I wish they could feel just a little bit of what I feel, maybe then they wouldn't complain or drag their feet so much and suck the fun out of it for the rest of us.
The rest of the night was spent watching a little TV and then off to bed. Master got just a bit excited when he found out my breasts were tender, he squeezed and kneaded them and got very aroused by my grunts and groans. We had a before bed quickie then soon after he dropped off to sleep.
Me, I'm sitting here writing this because I'm just not tired enough to sleep yet.
