Last night when Master got home I wasn't pleasant and peaceful like I wanted to be, like I felt I should be for him. I have it in my head that I should be pleasant and peaceful when my Master arrives home from work. He's had a stressful day, the last thing he needs is my whining about my tough day.
I was doing alright, smiling and greeting him pleasantly. Then he asked me how my day was and I told him. I think the pitch of my voice rose while my tension increased as I recounted the day's events. Yesterday was an extremely tough day with disappointments, stress, and teenagers.
I wanted to scream and yell, I felt awful, worn down, and exhausted. I needed him.
He told me he felt that he shouldn't go out of town again. He felt that if he'd been here he would have dealt with everything. I told him that if he'd been in town he would have been at work and I still would have handled everything. What I meant was that I handled it just fine and that it was okay. I didn't yell at our complex manager when I called about some issues we have, I wasn't even rude. I might have been a little terse though; I was irritated and driving down the interstate at 65 miles an hour.
We talked again and I finally let go, I cried and the tension and bad feelings just drained out of me. Master held me and cuddled me, he told me it was alright.
I think he feels that if I get all stressed out and upset by unpleasant situations that I'm not handling it. I wonder if he remembers the way things were before the D/s and the M/s, when he worked overnight and slept during the day. I handled everything, I was the day person and everything generally happens during the day. I still got upset and stressed out over unpleasant situations, especially if they just piled up one after the other.
I wonder if he equates emotional upset over unpleasant situations with incompetence. I'm not incompetent. My slavery has not lowered my competence. What it has done is created an atmosphere where I'm more comfortable leaning on him for support, for solace, and for shelter after the storm. I don't see this as a negative.
If he hadn't come home I would have likely had myself a good cry in bed after the kids were asleep. I don't think this is a bad thing. I have emotions, I have a lot of them, and sometimes they build up to a point where I have to let off some steam. I don't think this makes me incompetent or incapable of handling tough situations.
Before I start sounding indignant or anything like that, I want to say I love that he wants to take care of me and solve the problems for me. I just want him to understand that I am capable of solving the problems when he's away. I'm not crippled or hindered by my slavery and dependence on him, nor by my emotions.
