How do you react?

How do you react when your owner expects something of you that you are not prepared to give? Is that the way you want to respond, and is that the way your owner wants you to respond?

 It depends on what he wants.  Generally I need time to wrap my mind around what he's asked for.  For instance, my Sir expects me to accept that he has a girlfriend whom he is in love with. My reaction has been a half-assed acceptance colored with fear and distrust of her and not a little jealousy.

It isn't how I wanted to respond.  I want to be openly accepting and happy for them both. I want to see her as a good addition to Sir's life.

He expects me to respond with respect. He also expects me to respond gracefully and with open acceptance.

Progress

Sir and I had a very productive conversation tonight.  I'm feeling more positive about our relationship than I have in a long time.  I'm hopeful that we will have resolved our differences by Xmas.

Live in the now, not the way you think it should have gone. I've been acting like Sir's girlfriend instead of like his sub, which is what I am.  I've never been his girlfriend and it's high time I make peace with that.  I've been devaluing myself and my position.  As if being his submissive is less than.  I am the one and only submissive he's had.  That is pretty important.  It's a unique place in his life and it's mine.

I'm not "just" anything.  I'm his submissive.

I need to value myself for that and more. 

Her

He's going to see her, his girlfriend.  Yet he won't see me.  Jealous?  Yes.  Lonely too.  He doesn't understand that I need him too.  It's not fair.  No kidding, I know life isn't fair.  But he's my dominant, my only dominant and he won't see me and I can't ask because that's pushing.

I'm supposed to take care of myself and fulfill myself. Indefinitely I guess. He won't say for how long. He probably doesn't know.

It's a decision he made after having had enough of me, my moods, and my constant arguing.  We have to work on our relationship before we see each other again.  So I'm lonely. I'm jealous of her. Of the time she gets with him as his girlfriend. I'm secondary to her and his wife.  I'm his submissive.  No more no less. I'm supposed to be fun.

I feel like a doll on a shelf when he says certain things. Sometimes I think I should find another dominant who wants all of me, not just the fun bits.  Maybe I'm being unfair. I'm just not sure who I'm being unfair to.

She's Back

I'm trying to make a comeback to the blogging world.  I miss it and it was good for me.

So much has happened since the last time I was here.  We're not going to try to play catch up.  I'll just pick up where I am now.

I miss my girlfriend.  I won't get to see her in December.  Money and distance are constant issues. 

I miss my Sir, I haven't seen him for about three weeks and I don't know when I'll see him again.  It's in his hands not mine.  That drives me mad, I have no control in this. I can only control myself and try to focus on myself instead.  My behavior is all I can really control.

I miss having my husband as my full-time dominant.

Life is good, there are just a few challenges and opportunities for growth.

Three Little Words.

So I overreacted to M's phone silence. All is well and things between the three of us are going really well. She told us lst weekend that she loves us. I felt so overjoyed to finally be able to tell her I love her. I'd been waiting for her to be ready to not only say it but to hear it. I felt complete when A told her he loved her.

 We went to a picnic put on by our kinky group and had lots of fun. I got to take pup Freki for a run/walk and it was really fun. I never knew I'd enjoy pet play like iI do but I love my pup. He's a good pup and the affection we share is just so yummy. We played a little bit with a guy at the picnic that A ordered me to go say hello to because I'd been drooling over him. I think I found a new playmate. He gives amazing reactions.

On Friday a longtime kinky friend of mine confessed that she would do anything for me. I feel overwhelmed by the level of devotion she expressed. I don't feel like I've earned it, maybe I don't feel worthy of it. I feel as though she's courting me as a submissive to a dominant. It's flattering and she is a very sweet girl and kinda cute too. But is there enough of me to go around?  Can I sustain another relationship? Especially since we're only a few short months into our relationship with M? L would be mine alone more than likely, if I went with whatever is possibly happening.

At the same time I'm being courted as a dominant in my own right, I'm feeling more submissive toward A. I want to be a better submissive to him. I crave to serve him better and with less sass or hesitation.

Oy vey! When it rains it pours and I've never felt so much more like my genuine self.

What is going on?

I'm sitting here confused. In the last two weeks she has gradually stopped being as responsive to my texts. She no longer texts asking for permission to call. In the last week she has responded to maybe two of my texts. None of them in the last three days. She's not talking to Alan either. Why?

If she's lost interest or has decided we're not a good fit I would understand that. But please give me the courtesy of telling me. I would give the same courtesy to you.

But maybe I'm overreacting and jumping to conclusions. It's easy to do when you're left wondering.

I thought we'd found someone who would become part of our family. I hoped that would be the case. She told us that's what she wanted.

I'm trying to keep the faith but I'm beginning to pull back a bit and wrapping a bit of armor around my heart. I want to trust but it is difficult.

We'll see how things go this coming week. We need to talk about the relationship to be sure we're all on the same page. If we are then we must discuss expectations on all sides.

Selfish?

We spent a fabulous weekend with our girlfriend and it really was fabulous. I didn't have any twinges of jealousy. Honestly, it was really great to see Alan and her get to connect.  There were a couple of times where I felt a little like a third wheel and maybe we should all have individual time together as couples too. But I didn't feel negative or jealous about any of that. 

 The thing I did have a problem with was during playtime Saturday night. The energy between the three of us was intense. She and I are evil sprites  and work well together as a giggly sadistic team. Oh did we have fun playing with Alan and each other. But then I ended up getting very aroused and didn't get any sexual follow up like I'm used to. I

was so turned on that I'm certain I could have orgasmed, easily for a change. I guess I'm angry about the missed opportunity. I understand why he didn't want to. It would have been unfair to her since her husband is not okay with her having sex with Alan. I agree but it's unfair to me to be denied sex and sexual satisfaction.

 We are going to have to discuss this because I can't keep going like this. I haven't orgasmed for a few months and to have missed that opportunity is a big deal for my sex life.

 I feel like a selfish jerk because I'm making an issue of it and insisting on my pleasure. But I don't think I should have to suppress my needs either. I'm frustrated with this one thing.

Nervous, excited, and scared

Today we travel to see our girlfriend and meet her husband for the weekend. I am so excited and nervous. I'm also feeling insecure and maybe a little jealous.

 It seems like they talk on the phone and text more often than she and I do. sometimes it feels like she's more interested in,attached to, and attracted to him than she is to me.  It's irrational and illogical. Our relationships with each other are going to be different right?

 Then I catch little snippets of their texts or conversations and he's saying silly lovey dovey things to her that I wish he'd say to me. Like ending a conversation with "hugs kisses and bites" I know it's NRE, I'm saying the same things. We're all twitterpated. But I feel a little jealous of her receiving that kind of attention from him and vice versa. I wonder, where's mine?

 I think he fits in with more of her fantasies and fetishes than I do. What role do I play in her life? What needs does she have that I can meet? How do I share my position as his submissive with her? Will she replace me? Will he replace me?

 I am afraid of being left out. I'm afraid of being replaced in both of their lives by each of them. I really care about her and I love him I don't want to lose any of that. I want to be important to both of them. I want to be valued by them. I want to be loved by them.

 I don't know if I could just be friends with her if they decided that they wanted to be a twosome instead of our threesome.

 I know I need to focus on the things I can control (myself), the things I have, and the good stuff I'm feeling.

That's where I'm at today. Nervous, excited, and scared.

Re-Introduction

Hi, I'm Joy and I'm a bi, poly, submissive, dominant, pup handler, slut.  On Fet I identify my role and sexual orientation as "fluctuating/evolving".  That really sums me up.

A lot has changed in the three years I've been absent from here.  I thought for sure my blog had been deleted due to the many year hiatus.

M is my lover, my Sir, and my friend we just cannot stay away from each other.  We share a love that is intense and one that seems to keep us coming back together.  We're a much stronger couple now than we were.  Alan is my dominant, husband, and lover.  He found his dominant muchiness again and can't seem to help himself dominating the heck out of me.  I am his collared submissive, which came as a surprise to me a few days after MIM 2014.  Alan and I have a new partner we just met three months ago.  She's amazing and the NRE is plentiful. I love the smiles she puts on Alan's face.  He's smitten and even feels love for her.  I adore her, I'm a little slower to profess love until I get to know her more. 

She just fell into our laps and on our first meeting we "zinged".  I'm just blown away that Alan now identifies as poly and found another person he can love. He used to identify as strictly monogamous.  It makes me happy to see him happy and exploring something new.  I LOVE that we share a partner, I'm feeling like he and I are closer as a result.  We've found our physical affection and almost constantly touch each other.  If you told me a year ago that not only would Alan and I be a stronger D/s couple but that the third we'd always talked about would just walk into our lives totally out of the blue, I'd have expressed some serious doubts.

SO.  I'm back.  I'm still me but I'm a different me.  I'm a much more whole me.  Mentally healthier and stronger.  Finally, Joy.  Much more muchier.

I'm here to write for myself.  To work out my crap for myself so I can be a stronger partner for my loves.  I can't believe I have three partners!!  Three people who love and/or care about me. Three people I get to love and care for. I can't believe the abundance in my life

You'll be hearing more from me in the days, weeks, and months to come.

Where are we?

I don't know where Alan and I are right now in our relationship.  There have been so many changes in our lives recently and more yet to come that we seem to have settled into being husband and wife and clinging to each other to weather the storms and upheavals.

I miss my kink, I miss my submission, and gods know I miss my sex.  But I don't seem to have the energy for it at the moment and I think that's okay.  I try to remind myself that everything ebbs and flows like the tides.

I still serve a bit, just not as much or in the same way.  I've stopped veiling my hair for now, I'm not even coloring or cutting it.. no energy to put toward it.  He seems to understand and has given me space.

We haven't talked about our relationship as it is or what it might be in the future.  I'd like us to bring back the few things we kept, my serving him, veiling my hair for him, and being cuffed to the bed as I sleep.  We'll see what the future holds.  For now I think we're okay as we are.  I just hope he can wait for me to make it back.

Submissive Challenge #11 Submissive Personality Are you a quiet obedient submissive or is there an element of playful brattiness in your dynamic? How would you describe your submissive personality? How does your owner encourage or enhance who you are?

Submissive Personality?

I have been jokingly called a brat by a former (currently complicated) dominant.  He went on to clarify that I am a playful sprite.  I think this is true because I'm not acting out for punishment or "funishment".  If I wanted to be spanked or some other form of impact play I'd ask for it, if the answer is 'no', so be it.  However, he still calls me a brat and it became part of a tattoo indicating my lifestyle.

How would you describe your submissive personality?

Playful, loving, affectionate, caretaking, service oriented, obedient to the best of my ability.  Sometimes quiet and introspective.  Often outspoken and strongly opinionated.  Sometimes I am obstinate but I've learned to ask for time if I am struggling with something instead of digging my heels in and making my partner drag me into place.

How does your owner encourage or enhance who you are?

Currently my Dominus requires that I cover my hair.  It is a show of submission to him, somewhat like a collar but with different meaning.  He has taken something that used to be my pride and has found a way to save it for himself alone.  It scared me at first, I worried about causing offense or being misunderstood.  But I have only received compliments to date.  It has humbled me some though I am allowed some leeway and can still express some individuality in my head coverings.  And hey, there are no bad hair days!  There are, however, bad scarf days.  Oy!

He not only requires my service in the home but, he accepts it and allows me to express that part of myself freely and without  fear of recrimination or rejection.  On my good days I feel very fulfilled and at peace.  I've found a niche for that part of myself through him.

He and my former dominant partner (currently complicated) both encourage me to practice self-care of my mental and physical health.

Ghosting

Life.  I don't know if I'd call this endless, empty, existence a life.

I don't feel real, I don't feel like a person, not unless others are around me pulling me into existence.  Until they leave again or until it's time for me to leave.  Sometimes I wonder if I succeeded in committing suicide and this is my personal hell.  I feel like a ghost just drifting through the World with no meaning to whatever this existence is.

I don't feel real.

Am I defined by my illness?  Is it who I am?

It has lost me a husband and gained me a caretaker instead.   He is just existing too, between work, sleep, and taking care of me because I can be a danger to myself.  I have to hide the proof of my past transgressions.  Long sleeves in the summer are a misery but I think I deserve it.  The painful scars aren't enough punishment for putting my loved ones through the worry I've put them through.  Seeing the scars every time I glance at my arm, they won't fade, being reminded of that day, knowing that I was serious about ending the pain is not enough.

I would give anything for 5 minutes of total sanity and happiness.  No I wouldn't.  The pain would seem more pronounced, the depression stronger, all because of those 5 minutes of peace.  You never realize just how much pain you're in until you get a break from it.  When it comes back, when it comes back...

 

My sister sent me a link to this song and some of it fits too well, too close to my reality.  I just can't wrap my head around the idea that I'm an innocent.

I'm in a bad place again.  I want to numb the pain, trying to stop it is too dangerous and makes me less trustworthy in the eyes of my friends and family.  They wonder how far I'll go.  What if?  It scares them.  I wish they knew how much it scares me.

I'm ghosting through life looking for meaning.  Like the Velveteen Rabbit I want to be real.  I want my life to have meaning.  I want it to be worth something.

In My Head

He's there in my head, all the time, wandering the corridors, opening doors to memories and feelings, best left alone, closing other doors to possibilities not allowed.

He takes me forcefully, hungrily, and with dire need.  My heart skips a few beats and I hold my breath waiting to see if it is real or only another dream.  He is insistent and takes possession, my body and mind follow, only too happily.  The energy builds and builds as passion grows more fevered, frantic.  I feel as if one tiny spark will ignite a wildfire that cannot be extinguished, a moment of panic squeezes my heart.  It doesn't last long as he brings me back to us and his scorching hands on my flesh....

He whispers sweet words in my ear, holds me close as if I were precious to him but only in my head.

Laryngitis

I thought I'd lost my voice.  My writing voice to be specific.  

I thought I was out of things to say, but the words are back, writing essays and blog posts in my mind when I should be sleeping.  Gods know how much sleep I've lost to this and how many pieces of writing I've forgotten because I chose to roll over and go back to sleep instead of jumping up to write it down before I lose it, as I prefer to do.

I guess this means I'm back.  Heh!

They're Just Sneakers

That's like rape..

That's what my therapist said in response to an incident from my teen years I'd been talking about.  I don't know how to come to terms with applying that label to that experience, much less coming to terms with the experience itself.

I so want to pretty the story up, add flare to it, but you can't gild abuse to make it palatable can you?

I was a young teen living at the local youth shelter because I couldn't live with the abusive egg donor, aka my mother.  She'd bought me a new pair of sneakers shortly before I was sent there to live for a bit.  I had needed new shoes so ya get the kid some shoes, right?  Once you give the shoes to said kid they belong to the kid yeah?  Especially if the kid needs them.

There came a day when the egg donor was visiting me at the shelter or something and we'd had an argument or something, the details are beyond foggy.  She flipped out on me and insisted I give the sneakers back.  I refused.  She demanded that I give her the sneakers immediately "or else".   I refused again telling her they were my shoes and I needed them.

Voices were obviously raised by now and a staff member or two got involved.  They told me to give her the shoes back, taking her side.  I was beyond indignant, incredulous, and pissed off by now and I dug my heels in and absolutely refused.

The egg donor knelt on the floor and tried to remove my sneakers while I stood there wearing them.  I refused to budge.  I was stuck in a corner between the staff members and the egg donor-big mistake.  The staff members lifted me up so she could remove the shoes.  I was writhing, kicking, fighting, and yelling "NO!" but no one helped me, no one was there to take my side or to be a voice of reason.  No, the egg donor had worked her victim magic and the adults believed I was the horrible abusive kid and she was the poor put upon single mother trying in vain to obtain obedience from me.

Once she'd gotten the shoes off of me the staff put me down, I was crying.  They'd done all of this in sight of the rest of the kids there and a few other staff members.  Not a one lifted a finger or a voice to help me.

I was violated by adults who were supposed to protect me against the abuses of the mother who never wanted me.  It was supposed to be a safe place but it wasn't, I wasn't safe anywhere as long as the egg donor could work her victim magic, plying the people who were supposed to help me with lie after lie about me.  I was violated yet again by the egg donor, of course.

I couldn't figure out, until my most recent therapy session, why this incident was stuck in my head and caused a very visceral, emotional reaction whenever it popped up out of my subconscious.  I didn't really know why I got so angry and upset when someone used something that was supposed to be mine.

Growing up, nothing was ever mine.  Not birthday gifts, not clothing bought because I needed it, not my time, not my space, not my body, nothing was sacred.  All was subject to be taken away at the whim of a madwoman.  If I did something that upset her she flipped out and took away my clothes, the stereo she bought me for my birthday, anything she knew would hurt me the most.

It's no wonder I get a bit pissy about ownership of my body, my shower time, and my "stuff".  It seems silly looking at it as an observer, watching me get upset over something as minor as my husband using my Hello Kitty pen.  Only until you know the back story, and even then it may still seem silly.  *shrugs*

My whole life with that woman was a series of mental abuses, violations, and yes, non-sexual rape.

How do you even wrap your head around it?  I thought I'd healed from most of the abuse trauma but this one came out of nowhere and knocked me down.

Awareness is the first step.  I can at least communicate now why certain things upset me so badly and I can ask that certain items or activities be respected as being mine.  That's something isn't it?  I think so.

I'm A Witch!

No, really, a W-itch.  It's not a euphemism for the B-word.

I'm a currently non-practicing Pagan/Witch/Person with intentions to change that.  I've just been accepted into an online teaching Coven run by a former Coven mate from years past.  I'm excited that they accepted me!

I am hoping to learn more, improve my practice, and get back in touch with my spirituality.  I am older, wiser, and more grounded than I was when I earned my first degree as a priestess.  I have been questing since early on to find out what my spirituality was, to give it a name, a flavor... to really define it.  I don't know if I really need to label it.  I know what it is and Witch or Pagan are good catch all terms for it.

Are you a good Witch or a bad Witch?  -Glenda the Good Witch from The Wizard of Oz

It's all in one's intent really.  I'm just a Witch, a woman who wants to practice her spirituality, find where her Witchy talents lie and hone those skills.

Classes start soon and I hope I'm not too rusty and can remember how to be an active student.

Much More Muchier

I used to feel much more muchier than I do now.  I feel like I've lost my muchness.  I don't feel like me anymore.  There's a distinct lack of passion for most all areas of my life.  That is not me, it isn't the me I used to be and want to be again.

I'm doing my husband and Owner a huge disservice with neglect to his feelings and needs.  I don't know how to meet his needs when I have no desire for those things and, in fact, go into a panic thinking about it.  How can I be doing this to him?  I love him and I want to make him happier than he is now.  I know my neglecting him is contributing to his unhappiness.  Gods know I don't want us to fall into being a sexless couple forever and ever.

Other than going completely off meds, I don't know what else to do.  I know the meds are to blame, everything physical checks out as normal.  We talked today, he tells me going off meds is not an option.  I got the impression that divorce would follow if I went off meds and back to the manic freak I was.  The thing is, I'm afraid divorce could follow extended neglect.

I'm scared that my brain is changed forever, that the meds have ruined everything and that this person is who I will always be now.  I don't like this person.  I didn't like the manic me either but at least I had passion and desire.  I LIVED.  Now I just seem to exist.

I'm having a hard time feeling attached or bound to anyone but the people I live with.  Even then, I like being alone more often than not because I don't have the stress of their needs and feeling like a failure because I can't seem to meet them.

WHY does there have to be such an expensive trade off?  It feels like a punishment.  I've lost my life, I've lost myself.

Yay! More Druggy Goodness!

Yay, instead of just upping the dose on my one anti-anxiety drug she adds an additional one to the cocktail.  She absolutely refuses to entertain the idea that when the dose is high enough the other works just fine.  I'm not happy but I'm giving it a try.  It will either work or it won't, right?

I hate Mondays.  Daddy has to go to work and I am lonely that first workday without him.  I try to not say it often.  But I do want him to know that he is valued and loved with such force of emotion that I miss him the entire night.   I look forward to the coming morning when I get to greet him at the door.

I love you Dominus!  I'm not trying just for me but for you too.

Confession-Good for the..?

I don't know what this confession will be good for other than providing the transparency and honesty I own my Dominus.  It's more than that, it's the open and honest communication required in any healthy relationship that I owe to both of us.

I hate to admit this to myself, to you, and to Dominus.  The relating of a few people we know has taken up way too much space in my brain and it has to stop.  I thought by not talking about it anymore would help.  I thought leaving a group I fairly enjoyed would help.  I even thought leaving a Web site where I got a good amount of support would help too.  I was wrong.  All of these things were toxic to me because of the people involved there and my inability to distance myself from the "content" of my feelings and getting sucked in deeply every time I read something new about them.  My need for vindication, to be heard, to be believed, and to be valued were so great that it ate me from the inside out.

I learned through the grapevine that a few people who, much like a car wreck, I haven't been able to avoid looking at (being emotionally invested in) have split.  Like the child I am, I couldn't resist temptation and I went back to take a peek.  I wanted to see abject misery, I wanted to say "I told you so!!" to a few people, I wanted to be so petty and hurtful but I couldn't.  It wasn't fear of being caught out so much as it was I am simply not that person anymore.  I don't want to be her.

I felt empathy for them, I wanted to help them.  I hoped beyond hope that they'd both be open to the life's lessons sitting square in front of them waiting to be examined and learned.  I know, it isn't my place to decide who should learn what and when.  It's just, I can see the lessons waiting for them and I'm slightly disappointed because it seems the lessons are being ignored as the people are so caught up in the emotional content of what is going on.  Gods know I can't blame them, I know their pain.

I feel bad for them and the hurt they're experiencing.  There is still that petty little monster inside me that wants to say "Serves you right!".  I'd like to kick that little monster into a dusty corner somewhere.

I am sorry to my Dominus for my misbehavior.  I knew I shouldn't go back, I wasn't supposed to, and  I don't have a good reason for doing it.

I am sorry in general for wishing anyone ill.  Karma is going to catch me up and it's going to hurt.

I am disappointed in myself for disobeying Dominus, for giving in to those base urges of watching the car wreck that was the end of their relationship, and for being an all around lousy human being for a couple of months now.

I would like to make amends to Dominus for deliberately disobeying his commands.  I knew better but I disobeyed anyway.

I would like to earn Dominus' forgiveness.  I'd like to be able to forgive myself and not hang on to the bad feelings.

Mostly, I just want to take away the disappointed look I know will be in Dominus' eyes.  I'm scared of seeing and feeling his disappointment in me.

Ouch!

It's been non-stop panic-anxiety for a few weeks.  Which is causing it?  The isolation or the medication?  Which is worse?  Me off meds or me isolated?

I'm trying to figure out what I can do with my life from this point forward.  Sooner or later I'll have an answer.