ANGRY!!!!

And defeated.  That's how I feel today.  I got another no from the Mayo Clinic in Rochester last night in the mail, this time they just don't have the appointment space for me.  Then this morning I find out that my insurance company has denied the spinal cord stimulator as not being medically necessary.  Of course my doctor's office can appeal it but appeals can take up to 30 days.  I'm starting to wonder if I have to have a failed back surgery to make it medically necessary.

 

I'm going to ask my doctor to refer me to an orthopaedic surgeon here in town for one last try at surgery and I'm just going to force the issue.  I don't care if the doctor thinks it will help or what my odds of success are.  I just don't care anymore.  All I want is proper medical help and it seems like that's asking too much.  Alan says we'll get a lawyer and sue the insurance company to pay for the implant if the doctor's office appeal fails.  I don't know where he thinks we'd get the money for an attorney.

Feeling Whipped

I'm exhausted, wiped out, zapped, zoned, vegged, just plain worn out.  I'm tired of fighting for today.  My stomach hurts because I'm so stressed out and I'm stressing out over things I can't control and I know it's wrong.  I'm almost beyond caring.  It feels pointless to keep fighting sometimes.  It just seems like I'm not getting anywhere anymore.

 

I don't have any fight left in me today, maybe tomorrow will look better.

Negotiations

That's where we're at, Alan and I.  We're negotiating the terms of our continuing M/s relationship.  We're ironing out needs vs. wants and what we both feel is reasonable.

 

I have to giggle just a little here because his favorite show is The Dog Whisperer with Cesar Milan and nearly every time he explains something he uses dog pack mentality for his analogies.  Yesterday he was telling me that yes, he had given me too much leash and was letting me "walk" him instead of the other way around.  I giggled and told him I was just waiting to hear him imitate Cesar's accent, and of course, he obliged me.

 

It is true though, at least in our household.  I'm a beta but will be alpha if the alpha isn't alpha-enough.  As with dogs, human owners have to train human property to be submissive, they have to lead them in order to be followed.  So we're working and negotiating, not to get back to what we had but in order to move forward.  I think we've both realized just how badly our communication broke down and I think we will keep working at communicating more openly.  I'm still uncollared but I don't want it until he's ready, if and when he's ready to do so.  I want him to be firmly in the lead, I'm weary of leading, it's not my accustomed position.

Worthless

I feel worthless this morning.  I feel like I've given up part of my identity and I did it of my own free will.  Why?  Because I felt like he wasn't taking the reins, I felt like I had too much slack in the reins and after asking more than once for more consistency, and less slack, I got tired of asking.

 

I gave him his collar back and told him I needed him to decide if he really wanted to own me and if he did then I needed him to lead me instead of letting me lead.  I don't fear punishment.  He may threaten it but he doesn't follow through.  Maybe I'm not slave material, maybe I'm just a submissive playing at being slave.  I don't know.  I feel like I don't know who I am right now.

 

We're going to a play party tonight and I don't know how I'm supposed to behave, I don't know how to play with him as a submissive and not as a slave.  I just don't know and I'm confused as can be.  How do you use safewords you haven't had for years?  I'm so accustomed to playing with him as his slave that I don't know if I can code.  I'm so jumbled up inside I don't know if I can even get into the right headspace to play at all.  What if I just get angry instead of letting go and enjoying the scene?  What if I bring all this emotional crap with me to the party?  He'll be disappointed in me, more than he is already.

 

It hurt my feelings when he didn't immediately say "Of course I want to own you, let me put this collar back on."  He has to actually think about it and I'm scared that I've screwed up royally this time.  I may have ruined the best thing I ever had all because I felt I had needs that weren't being met.

 

Am I wrong in asking to have my needs met?  Am I wrong in asking for consistency or for direction?  I know the way I go about it sometimes, like last night, is wrong.  I disrespected him and I am deeply sorry for that.  I could have cut myself a million times as pennance for that mistake.  I'm just so frustrated and I feel like I have nowhere to turn to ease that frustration so it balls up inside me, I try to stuff it into the deepest corners of myself and ignore it.  But I only have so much room for stuffing things and I finally boil over, like I've been doing all week.  I get a good mad on and I don't care anymore about anyone else's needs but my own.  It's selfish and childish.

 

I'm not worthy of his collar, I know this now.  At best I can hope he'll still want me as his submissive but the truth is, I may have ruined that too.

Lost

I feel lost, like I've wandered away from my Daddy in the store, except he's wandered away from me and I can't find him.  It's Daddy who is lost, not me but it doesn't make me feel any less lost myself.  When my lil peeks out he seems almost angry with her.  I got angry with him on her behalf last night.  I said some things I wish I could take back but that doesn't mean they're not valid.

 

He used to love his lil girl and made her feel special and wanted.  Now she just feels like she's in the way and unwanted, unloved.  It hurts.  He snapped about something and being tired of "kid sh*t" and I reminded him that's what he's got so he may as well deal with it or else we'll find someone who can.  It wasn't fair to threaten like that and I really wish I could take that back.

 

But at the same time, what am I supposed to do?  I've been encouraged and even indulged with my lil, Daddy loved her.  What did she do wrong?  What did we do wrong that our Daddy doesn't love us anymore?

 

Maybe he's not a real Daddy for us, it was just "fun for a while" and now it's not fun anymore?  Maybe it's a phase, one he cycles in and out of?  I don't know.  What I want to know is what we're supposed to do in the meantime to feel whole and complete.

 

I wonder if I made a mistake in exploring this part of me now.  It's like a Pandora's box that can't be closed.  My lil needs to be loved, adored, and pampered.  She needs her Daddy and doesn't understand why he won't love her or play with her like he used to.  All the adult reasoning in the world doesn't change that base need.  I don't understand how he can shut it off, I thought he needed it too.  Now I feel like I misunderstood his intentions and got too wrapped up in something that was only a passing fancy for him.

 

I wonder about finding another Daddy, but neither of us wants another Daddy, we want the one we had, we want him back.  Maybe that's too much to ask for, we're just sad and lonely without him and wish we didn't get snapped at or yelled at when we're peeking out.

Something In The Air

What is it about the first snow and the impending holidays that seem to lift my spirit?  I feel that childlike wonder when I see the giant Christmas trees in the buildings around downtown.  I'm awed by the colorful lights and decorations and of course, the craftswoman in me is taking mental notes for home decoration.  (Master you might like a couple of the ideas I have, they'll make our tree really pretty!)

 

It's more than that though, I love spending time with family, sharing food with them as well as time.  Creating new memories.  The holidays may always be bittersweet from now on, we'll always miss Jamey but he's always with us so long as we remember him.

 

I hope to always have big family holidays, whether it be our own or our extended family.  That is what the holidays mean to me, family.

 

I'm overly eager to get things in the living room arranged so we can decorate the tree.  The kids and I always do the decorating and we have such fun doing it together.  This year I imagine we'll have lots of pictures since HRS got a new digital camera for her birthday.  She's become the family paparazzi and chases us all around to snap pictures.  Of course we nick the camera from her and get a few shots in ourselves. *evil grins*

 

I'm feeling very positive, sentimental, and a bit teary-eyed right now as I watch the snow falling outside my window.  Big fluffy flakes that get caught in your eyelashes and melt on your nose.  It's a beautiful sight.

Dark Night Of The Soul

Most people might not know what the Dark Night of the Soul means. Basically it's facing yourself, bare without the little lies we tell ourselves, facing our demons, everything, and coming out (hopefully) stronger and more self-aware for it. In Pagan traditions, or at least the one I learned in, this was usually done with more intent, though not always.

Last weekend was such a one for me and it was long, horrible, and terrifying. Yet here I am today, stronger, and definitely more self-aware. I thought for sure I was going crazy, I was completely out of control as my emotions ran rampant and took me over entirely. Master had the presence of mind to get me help when it was clear that I was beyond his aid.

Since then I've been making the journey back to me, to my center, to who I know myself to be. I'm bringing back some wisdom with me this time. I'm growing and evolving in the way I think, or at least I'm trying to. It's a process and a week isn't nearly long enough to prove anything by any means. It will get put to the test next week when I go back to work, and each day after that. Each time a new problem arises my new way of thinking will be tried and tested. I can't promise that I won't fall back into old patterns but I can promise to try to not do so.

I'm sick, you see. Not a sickness you can check the blood for, nor one that causes fever. No, it's a sickness of the mind and it takes a lot of cognitive re-training to heal. I've spent nearly my entire life with this sickness, since about the age of 7, but am only now getting the type of help I've needed all along. I'm not disclosing this fact for sympathy but to dispel the stigma we seem to attach to mental illness, still in this day and age. So yes, I'm mentally ill but I'm getting better. Maybe I'll relapse, maybe I won't, but I can no longer feel shame for something I can't control. It would be like having cancer and being ashamed of it. Silly huh?

Justice

Two families, two different viewpoints. On the one side there is much celebration and relief, justice has finally been served. On the other side there is sadness and a sense of loss, it doesn't feel like justice to them.

Today the jury came back with a unanimous decision of guilty in the first degree for our Jamey's murderer. He tried to weasel out of it, tried to claim self-defense, tried and failed. Our family has mixed feelings, on the one hand we're pleased with the verdict, on the other hand we still wish there had never been a need for it at all. Finding Eric Miller guilty of killing our Jamey won't undo what was done, it won't bring Jamey back to us no matter how much we may wish it. What I'm looking for in this verdict is closure. It's finally "over", his killer won't get away with it, he won't kill another innocent person, and I can move on through the grieving process.

I feel so much lighter in spirit this afternoon than I have in the past year. Relieved, released from the bondage of grief, reveling in this new sense of rightness.

I don't celebrate at the expense of his family, I don't wish them ill. But their Eric does belong in prison, taking responsibility for the cold-blooded and calculated murder he performed. He devastated our family, I know his own family is hurting too, they're bewildered by why or how he could do such a thing. But, isn't that always the way it goes? Those closest to a killer swear up and down that they're innocent, they'd never suspect him/her of doing such evil things, s/he would be the last person on Earth to do despicable acts to animals or other human beings. Yet, your loved one is capable of evil deeds. We all are, it's part of our human nature, what makes us good or bad people is how we decide to handle those darker urges. What we do with them.

Master doesn't always understand my compassion for others, even those who have wronged me. I just have no place in my heart for hatred anymore. What purpose does it serve? It makes me ill with constant anger, discontent, and thirsting for vengeance. Vengeance won't undo the deed, it won't return lost loved ones, all it does is hurt another human being and gives me more karma to burn off. It's a waste of energy in this girl's book.

To Eric's family, I'm sorry your son did what he did and I'm sorry for the loss you're feeling. However, I am overjoyed for our family, overjoyed that justice, as we see it, has been served. I feel hopeful again, hopeful about the future, and about life in general.

"A Hopi Prayer"

Do not stand

at my grave and weep.

I am not there,

I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow,

I am the diamond glints

on snow.

I am the sunlight

on the ripened grain.

I am the gentle

Autumn's rain.

When you awaken

in hte morning hush,

I am the swift

uplifting rush

of quiet birds in circled flight.

I am the soft stars

that shine at night.

Do not stand

at my grave and cry:

I am not there,

I did not die.

This is where my thoughts are today. The above poem is from a card I'll be mailing to the widow of a family friend who passed away just yesterday. I feel a very strong call back to my Pagan roots. I need to be with Nature in hopes of finding some sort of peace and understanding.

There has been so much death in the last year and I'm not seeing any re-birth, I'm feeling somewhat dead inside myself. Master tells me it is only temporary, hang in there, it will pass. But it's not passing and I'm becoming sadder with each new death. Much like a child I can't seem to comprehend that these people are truly gone from this world, from this life. Whenever I think about them my grief is like a freshly opened wound and hurts as much as it did the very first day.

Much as the poem says, they are still here, that which is remembered lives. If only I could bring myself to remember without the heartache.

The Importance of Boundaries and Consistency

I've realized, over the past few days, just how important having boundaries and consistency in enforcing those boundaries is in a D/s or M/s relationship. The boundaries or rules are an integral part of these types of relationships, without them you've got what? A vanilla romance with some kinky sex? Being inconsistent in enforcing those boundaries or rules brings us right back to the vanilla romance with kinky sex and a confused s-type who doesn't know when or what to obey.

Over the years I've come to understand that I need boundaries and structure to thrive. I need consistency too or else I feel as if I'm just drifting along with no purpose or guidance. These are two of the main ingredients, if you will, of a M/s relationship for me. Sometimes I crave more restrictions than my Master is interested in placing upon me. I have to try to make peace with that and accept his decision or drive myself crazy with craving and being unhappy as a result. I don't feel that leaving him, or seeking another partner, is a viable option. He is my one and only Master and I'm willing to accept his limits as my own in order to be his slave.

But, when he's not on his game and enforcing the rules and boundaries he has laid down I sort of drift away from my game too, then we're both off. I think we both feel the absence of the dynamic but get complacent and we don't talk about it until we've got to do a lot of rowing to get back to shore. That's where we're at right now, rowing back to shore and trying to do it in sync. I'd like to hurry the trip because I'm happy when we're on the same page and both on our games but I need to follow his lead and go at his pace or else I'm just Topping from the bottom, which is just plain old counterproductive.

I'm working on keeping a positive attitude and so far so good. In the past I'd be pessimistic and cynical about the whole thing. We seem to drift off course pretty often but we also get ourselves back on course just as often. I think that's part and parcel of a growing M/s relationship. We have a huge hurdle to jump, that of our history as a married couple. It's so much easier to just be husband and wife, especially when we're tired or in pain, or whatever. During times of stress, illness, or upset we both just slip so easily into husband and wife roles and begin cutting each other slack for the slip.

I wish I could find the one thing that will keep us from making that slip or at least keep us from slipping too far. I asked him yesterday if we could take time together each day to just reconnect. It doesn't have to be fancy, we don't have to engage in SM play, we don't even have to say anything. I'd be happy with him sitting on the bed while I kneel at his feet with my head in his lap for a few moments. We're talking more now and I'm going to do my best to keep talking. I've made some serious effort in this department and have been saying things that in the past I would only write about. Maybe this time we'll stay on course and won't drift as much.

Loss

"You can't read loss, only feel it."

Did I ever feel it on Saturday. Last week was a very rough week and it all hit me Friday night through Saturday afternoon. I was angry, sad, scared, and despairing. I felt sure that because I can no longer submit to heavy impact on my back that I would lose part of my relationship with my Master. I know he needs to play hard and heavy from time to time and I thrilled in being able to serve him in that way while also getting my need for that type of play met. He will play with others to meet that need while mine will have to be suppressed. I'm always so conflicted too, I'm a mass of contradictions. I want to be the serene and selfless slave that only wants her Master's happiness. The one that doesn't feel jealousy and envy is just a mild feeling that breaches the surface of emotions then resubmerges never to be seen again. But I'm not. I'm just me, with all my faults, issues, and baggage. I fear loss. I fear that I'm going to lose more than I can bear to lose.

Not being able to do something doesn't mean that I don't still need it or want it. It just means I have to go without that particular thing and it is painful to watch him give that thing to another. In this case the thing is heavy impact, aka punching. I LOVED being able to play hard with him, it felt so good. I loved being punched, I still do but I am scared that, with the degenerative disc disease, it is dangerous to do any heavy impact even if the spine area is avoided. I found out Monday that I've got a thoracic disc that is bulging forward slightly, it isn't degenerated yet but it is on its way to going bad. I'm concerned that the punching is the cause of this particular disc beginning to bulge.

I'd really fallen into the black pit of despair, mired down in it, almost but not quite wallowing in the muck. I cried it all out, sometimes in Master's arms, sometimes not. He was concerned about taking me to visit the Tribe that night because he wasn't sure if I'd be OK, especially if he decided to play with another person there. After a revelation from him and realizing that I've been a complete pain in the butt, I promised that I would behave and I was true to my word. I wasn't kidding when I said I really want to be selfless. I do want him to be happy and I understand that to be happy he may want, or need, to play with others. I just have trouble with the application of that particular behavior. My emotions get in the way and unfortunately emotions are not always rational, at least mine aren't.

We had a great time together Saturday night. I was well-enough to play and it was wonderful. He pushed me, like he always does, to take what he had to offer. He pushed me to the edge of my control and then beyond until I was a quivering, sobbing, begging, thing, eager to do whatever it would take to end the pain. It was release, sweet cathartic release, and it did me a world of good. It restored my confidence and reassured me that we can still play together. Later on he did indeed play with someone else. It was a group effort and despite my intention to just sit and watch I joined in. The back and forth joking and laughter contrasted with the intense impact play we were engaged in and built some amazing energy. It all ended with our subject laughing and giggling almost uncontrollably. In all, it was amazing and very enjoyable. I hadn't been feeling sadistic at all and I surprised myself, as well as everyone else. Everyone kept talking about how mean I am so I had to get some Happy Bunny socks that say "I'm not mean you're just a sissy". *grins*

My life has never been easy so it would be silly to expect it to start being easy now. But, I can be silly from time to time and I'm thankful that I have people around me who will give me a "gentle" nudge to knock it off.

Scared

Today is the day. I see the surgeons and I'm scared. I'm scared they'll say no to surgery and I'm scared they'll say yes. One answer will crush my hopes and the other will terrify me to my core. In just a few short hours I will know one way or the other if I'll be having surgery. I hope too that I'll know when if they decide to do it. I should be working on my list of questions to ask them but my mind is blank. All I can do is sit here, do my work, and hope I can remain calm enough to make it through the work day.

I'm at once impatient and not. I'd like time to go by so I can get this over with. Much like a band-aid, just rip it off so it's over quickly. I've done so much waiting that I'm tired of it but it doesn't seem like such a bad thing this morning.

I can't help but worry about how surgery will change my life, both bad and good. Success or failure, my life will be forever changed as will the lives of my partners in the way they relate to me.

Master and I haven't been Master and slave in much more than name for far too long. Of course he still has the final say and I still obey him but I don't serve much, he doesn't ask much, and he doesn't hold me accountable very often. A failed surgery and that may become a permanent situation. The thought of that possibility fills me with despair and I shy away from the thoughts.

A successful surgery should improve things, I should be able to serve him as I once did, I should have a lot less pain and would then be able for SM play again. I'm afraid to hope.

Goofs

Last night I goofed, in front of HRS. Alan told me to do something and I immediately responded with "Yes Sir" as soon as it was out of my mouth I was correcting it with "Dear". I don't know which was worse but she didn't comment about it. It just seems to me that making the hasty correction like I did might have given her the idea that I was hiding something. In reality, yes I am hiding something from her, the entirety of my relationship with her father but that's for her own good. She's still at the age where boys are gross and she has no interest in relationships and she definitely doesn't want to know any intimate details about her parents' relationship.

Maybe I should have just stuck with the "Sir" and let it alone. At worst she'd have thought I was weird or at best that I was just kidding around, which I do a lot.

True Dreams

I woke up from a horrible nightmare yesterday morning. It felt so real that until I was well and truly awake it felt like it was true. I'd been dreaming about going out for ice cream with my youngest, my sister and her kids. I was having an especially nice time with my youngest nephew in particular, we had a great chat and lots of giggles. I return to my mother's house to find her sitting in the living room bawling. Immediately I know something is terribly wrong. I'm finally able to get out of her that my youngest nephew was killed in a car accident shortly after our visit together. He'd been riding in a car and talking about the fun he'd had and that it was the best day ever and that the only thing that would make it better would be taking a walk. The drivers (unknown) had to pull over on the side of the road for some reason. A vehicle veered off the road and hit the car on the side my nephew was sitting on, killing him instantly.

The dream felt so real that I was almost afraid to call my sister, I didn't want to find out I'd dreamed true. I've had true dreams before, none so prophetic or catastrophic. Mostly just dreaming of places I've never been to then visiting them and feeling a very strong sense of deja vu, or a conversation or event that hadn't happened and feeling that same sense of deja vu when it does take place. So yes, I'll admit I was spooked for a while. I'm still feeling a bit skittish and off-kilter today. I haven't seen this nephew in a long time and it could be that the dream is indicating a loss of contact with him. It could even be a wake-up call that I need to make an effort to see him.

Either way, I hate dreams like this.

Blank

I wish I had something good to write about. We don't have hot or sexy SM scenes. The M/s is still there but not in any fun sexy ways. Yesterday I was in the midst of a 48 hour long panic/anxiety attack. He had to be tough with me and made me clean myself up and go to the store with him. Had I been given the choice I'd have stayed home curled up in my nest of pillows and blankets. But no matter how crazy I am, the drive to obey him is always present.

I've fantasized about scenes I'd love...such as him coming home to find his lil girl lying on her tummy on the bed, coloring in her favorite coloring book, her pigtails bouncing in time with the swinging of her legs. She squeals "Daddy!!" when he walks in, stands up on the bed to give him a big sloppy kiss and monster hug. She shows him her picture and tells him about how she's got a funny ache between her legs....He talks to his little girl about the feelings she's having, explaining how special they are and that she can only share them with her Daddy as he explores her body.

Or he orders me upstairs, naked, and kneeling waiting for him. He enters the room, grabs a fistfull of my hair and leads me, crawling, to the bathroom. He stops me next to the commode with the command to kneel up and stay. He pulls his penis out to urinate into the commode. Just as he's finishing he saves a little bit, turns, orders me to open my mouth and finishes urinating in my mouth, expecting me to swallow and clean his cock off. He stands me up then and feels the soaking wetness between my legs from being used that way. He then leads me to the bed, bends me over and gives me a thorough spanking for enjoying it so much, after which he has me kneel and suck his cock until he decides to f*ck me.

*sigh*

A fertile imaginiation and all it does is torture me with things I can't seem to get right now.

I Miss It

It feels like ages since Master and I have played and I really miss it. Sometimes I crave chocolate so badly that I can almost taste it. I'm craving a spanking in the same way. I want to whimper and beg when Master teases me with a light swat on the behind. There have been instances where I have stuck my bottom out, inviting more. It's always a tease, because he hasn't been able to give me a proper spanking. We rarely have time to ourselves and when we do we're both too tired to do a thing about it.

The reality of 24/7 M/s isn't nearly as fun as the fantasy. I'd give quite a bit to be able to live some of the fantasy. Okay, that's not true, I can't back that up. It just seems like we had the ideal life and we've lost it somewhere along the way.

And yet, my feelings are mixed. Once upon a time I served my Master domestically, sexually, and we played fairly regularly. Only, I struggled a lot with obedience and surrender. I've changed in the last few months. For the better I think. I feel surrendered to him, I love serving him as I'm able and I feel sad when there is something I can't do for him. I feel a calmness inside that wasn't there before. I wouldn't want to have the life we did have at the expense of this change, this calmness. I would like to find a way to have both, to keep this calmness and state of surrender while re-incorporating the life we had, thus creating an improved, more complete M/s relationship.

Sometimes the prospect seems improbable, there are so many challenges facing us right now and I wonder if we'll be able to overcome all of them. I wonder too if he misses what we had and if he wants it back. He never says one way or the other so I never know what's going on behind those laughing eyes. Do you miss the SM Master? Do you miss the way things were? Do you long for a return to what we once had or an improvement on it like I do? Do you miss being served to the extent you once were? Do you miss the ritual we did when I got home from work? I do. I miss it all, I want it all back, somehow.

Epiphanies Blog Entry 8/23/07

Hello again.  Long time no type eh?  Life has been a bit hectic lately what with getting testing done and trying to get a consultation with the neurosurgeons scheduled.  I'm one step closer to hopefully getting this old back of mine fixed.  I have a consultation scheduled for the first of October.  Patience, I'm trying to make that my middle name but it isn't working so well.  I want it all done, now, now, now.  Too bad the doctors don't agree with me huh?

 

This week has been one filled with epiphanies, or what I like to call 2x4 moments.  You know, it's that point in time when it feels as if the Universe has just whacked you up along side the head with a 2x4 giving you a clarity you'd been struggling toward.

 

Yep, that's me, beat up with the Universe's 2x4 and a few things are clear as a bell.  It's funny how you know something but don't know it, know what I mean?  For instance, I know my mother favored my youngest sister over me and that she never really gave me approval, affection, or love.  But I didn't know it in a way that gave me insight into certain insecurities and dysfunctions of mine, insight into their origins.

 

While reading and attempting to craft a response to a question about jealousy it hit me (the 2x4).  All of this jealousy and insecurity started when I was a child.  I spent my early childhood attempting to jump through impossible hoops to earn approval and love that should have been given unconditionally and being compared to my youngest sister and coming up short every time.  Mom made it clear early on that she didn't want me and that she adored my sister.  She was her "social butterfly".  I was only a good child if I was neither seen nor heard.  I got praised for being quiet and shy so I perfected that.  People didn't know I existed until I hit my teen years, then all the anger that had built up over the years sort of boiled over into a rebellion that lasted for many years.

 

Still... knowing all this, knowing where it started, how it started, and why doesn't give me the first clue in dismantling the dysfunction and insecurities.  I've got love, real love, given freely and abundantly, but I'm scared to lose it.  I still suffer those feelings of being unworthy, undeserving, and not good enough even though I try to counter them with positives when I feel threatened.  What makes me feel threatened?  The idea or possibility that someone else may be given attention and love that I territorially think of as "mine".

 

You'd think that as self-aware as I am I'd be able to "fix" this problem wouldn't you?  Master does, sort of.  He believes I should feel more than secure and I agree with him.  I should feel secure in his love and with my position in his life and I do, unless a situation comes up where another individual earns some of his attention (sexual or emotional).  Then I feel as if the rug has been pulled out from beneath me, I start feeling physically ill, and I panic.  Hmm, how to fix that?  Still working on that answer.

 

I'm certain though that knowing the origins of all of this will help me somehow.  I can't help but wonder though, am I psychologically and emotionally damaged due to what my mother did?  Will it always be a struggle with me?  Only time will tell.

 

Epiphany #2

 

I think I've stated it here before, that I just cannot attain the "flying" sub space that lots of folks talk about.  I have a theory that this type of sub space is a mild form of disassociation, among other things.

 

I am unable to disassociate and up until Monday I thought I'd never been able to, ever.  On Monday it just hit me that in elementary school, grade 3 I think, I was majorly disassociating from life.  In the middle of a class, instead of doing my school work I'd play in my fantasy world.  I lived in my head, I had a very vivid imagination and was happy there.  It was so severe that they sent me to a special school that included regular therapy sessions.  I learned through the experience that disassociating was bad.  Ever since then I've been unable to do it.  I am always mentally present, even when being somewhere else would be/have been a blessing.

 

I thought, for a long time that I was broken somehow.  I thought maybe I was doing "it" wrong.  Even after reading the article at leatherNroses.com about not "flying" I still felt uncomfortable about the way I process pain play.  I realize now that I'm not broken, just overly dramatic. *wry grins*  Not flying makes me a perfect match for my Master who likes my responsiveness.  During S/m play we create a space together, we build energy together, it ebbs and flows between us.  I don't know how well that would work if I were somehow disconnected, even a tiny bit, from the entire experience.  I love being able to push myself to take more for him and then revel in the afterglow as we cuddle together.  So, enough of this "grass is greener" thinking.  My grass is a lovely shade of green and it's about time I start appreciating it. 

Vivid

My head falls back, eyes beginning to roll back as my eyelids flutter closed, my womb clenches, labia swelling and tingling as moisture starts to seep from within. My memory is vivid, remembered pleasure at Master's hands, so vivid that I can almost feel it again and again with each remembering. The memory overtakes me, my body begins to writhe, my fingers and toes clench, even as I drive, I have to fight my body's natural reactions, fight to remain focused on the present..

I thrill with the remembered feeling of his swollen cock thrusting deeply into me, the large head rubbing every sensitive spot inside, filling me with an aching need for a release that may be days away...my breathing quickens as I recall the sight of him kneeling over me, his hands gripping my flesh, pulling me to him even as he thrusts into me, his eyes locked on me as he strives toward his release, revelling in the sensations... his pace quickens, I feel my hips rocking back and forth as if he were inside me at this very moment, his release is close...

Another memory, no less vivid... lying on my back, legs spread, Master sitting between my legs, his hard cock resting against my foot, fingers inside me, exploring, rubbing, pulling, pushing, my muscles clench around his fingers as if to hold him there forever... I feel my nipples harden, remembering the sheer ecstasy of imminent release... a tingling deep inside spreading outward, engulfing my whole body, head rocking back and forth, hips rising up from the bed thrusting against his hand needing more, hand clawing at the air then the bedsheets as the orgasm rolls over me like a tsunami, unstoppable, a force of nature that leaves me drenched and limp after..

I remember so vividly that I feel it again, and again, and again, desire building upon desire.

Holding Pattern

7/16/07

Right now we're living in a holding pattern. I sent my supervisor a detailed e-mail last week about my situation and the need for surgery. She forwarded it on to our manager and we were to talk about it this week. Unfortunately he had a family tragedy come up this week and has been out of the office all week. So, I'm waiting to find out if I'll lose my job if I have surgery before I've worked here a full year.

-----update 7/20/07------

It's the following week and I'm set to speak with my manager tomorrow about my situation. I'm nervous about getting my hopes up only to have them dashed. The pessimist in me says that tomorrow he's going to tell me that it'd be better to wait until I've worked here a year.

-----update 7/24/07-----

Well, we met this morning and I've got the green light to get started planning for surgery. I was really surprised at the reception I got. They like me, they like the work I do, and they really appreciate me. I felt my head swelling larger and larger with each compliment. lol


Actually it did feel good to get that kind of praise. I do work very hard and push myself to work hard even when I'm in pain or having a horrible day.


So, no more waiting to find out if I can start planning. Now it's waiting to get appointments made and paperwork filled out. Yippee! Yeah, that's me excited about painful tests and excruciating paperwork. What I'm really excited about is the possibility of FINALLY getting my back fixed! I want to have a life again. I want to be able to do something on the weekends other than lay around, sleep, and be in pain. I want to enjoy my evenings with my family instead of eating dinner and passing out in front of the TV. I want to have more sex with my Master instead of putting it off because I'm exhausted or in pain. The same goes for SM play too. I really miss SM, I miss serving in ways other than bringing home a paycheck.


These past several months have been rough and Master has worked hard to prevent me from dwelling on the negatives. We've got a lot of hard work ahead of us still but hopefully we'll see a day where my pain is at least drastically reduced, if not eliminated altogether.


----Update 7/25/07-----

On 8/9/07 I will have a discogram (really isn't as fun as it may sound) and then will be referred on to speak with a surgeon. It finally hit me yesterday after I made the appointment. It's real. I'm really going to do this, no more talking about it. I had a few moments of panic, more than a few really. I felt sick to my stomach and trapped. I just wanted to run home and curl up on the couch with my favorite blankie and watch Shrek. The panic passed and I started focusing on planning and getting the ducks all in a row with insurance, etc.

Last night, in bed, Master and I talked about the possibilities. I shared my fears and it felt good to say them out loud. I'm terrified of something going horribly wrong and ending up in a wheelchair. I'm also scared that we're going to find out that the nerve damage is more extensive once the pressure on the nerves is relieved. Master still thinks I'm focusing on the negatives but I hope he understands, at least a little bit, that I'm just trying to be realistic. The things I'm afraid of are real possibilities, even if some are remote. Given my track record and health, I don't seem to have the best of luck so yes, I do think about what could go wrong.

Master did make a good point, one I don't like but is no less true, my back pain issues are my fault to some degree. As Master says, "your body is a temple and yours has been littered". I can accept and own that. I guess it's time to clean up the temple a bit, redecorate, maybe a little landscaping too. That's what this surgery will mean for me, it is a step toward changing my landscape (weight, physical fitness).

Rolling With the Punches

It seems like I'm back to square one and I'm frustrated by it. The pain is back in full-force; it feels like things are getting worse. I cannot serve as much as I did, he rarely asks me to do anything for him now. He compensates by doing everything for himself and doing all the housework himself too. I hate it. I love that he's so understanding and accepts my limitations for what they are and adapts to them. I am grateful to him for this. I just hate the necessity of it all. Mostly, I hate the pain and I hate that it has such control over me and my life despite all my best efforts to push beyond it. I am sleepy almost constantly, I fall asleep almost immediately after dinner some nights. On the weekends I wake late and nap within hours of waking. I hate this most of all, it feels as if I'm sleeping my life away. Yuck.

Soon we'll begin to explore the options, soon. But can I hold on for another month, two, maybe three? Yes, I can. When there is no other choice you just grit your teeth and gut it out. Do what you can with what you've got.

I am very thankful to have Master in my life. He walks through these rough spots with me, carrying me when I cannot walk, making me walk when I can but am afraid to, and encouraging me every step of the way.

In the next month or two I'm going to need Master's strength and discipline to shed the pounds I've gained back. I need to begin to swim regularly too, I'm hoping he can encourage me to do so. I'm going to have to enlist the support of HRS in this one, she's a swim fanatic so it shouldn't be too hard to get her to keep at me. Once I'm in the pool I'm happy to be there, it's just getting me there that's difficult.

This stuff, this day to day stuff is what no one thinks about when they're thinking about D/s or M/s relationships. In a 24/7 D/s or M/s relationship it is much the same as a marriage, in sickness and in health, through good times and bad. You have to roll with the punches and through it all, work to maintain the type of relationship you've cultivated instead of letting it go to weeds because of the rough times.