Whoops

Geeze, did I let things slide or what? Sorry about that. I had no intention of going this long without journaling. I just sort of slacked off. The kids were on spring break last week and it was hard to find a moment to myself. I hate that, feeling so clustered with people that I can't think.

There have been some things, concepts, swirling around in my brain lately. I'll begin thinking about them at night with the intention of journaling about them. Then I go to sleep and in the light of day the thoughts have broken up into little bits and pieces that I can't quite put back together. That is so annoying. It has been suggested to me that I should keep a pen and notepad by my bedside so I can jot these things down so I don't lose them. I just haven't implemented that particular idea yet. Procrastination is one of my worst failings.

One of the things that has been on my mind a lot recently is whether I'm a "good" slave or a "real" slave. I've fallen into that age old trap of comparing myself to others. I thought I'd learned to avoid that trap but, apparently not quite yet. After reading posts on LE about how being bratty makes one not a slave, I began feeling a little inadequate. Especially in light of the way Master treats me sometimes. I felt like he was deferring to me and my preferences all the time. I mentioned this to him and he pointed out that if he didn't want to do what we did or eat where we ate, we wouldn't. In the end it is his decision and I need to stop worrying so much, if I weren't slave enough for him he would move to fix that. And indeed, if he feels like exerting more control over me, he does and I bend to his will.

So why then do I compare myself to others? It's a form of self-torture is what it is. There's nothing wrong with admiring another and even aspiring to improve oneself. But when it turns to self-loathing and feelings of inadequacy, it is time to step back and take a moment to think.

I am who and what I am because Master desires me to be this way. If he didn't like a particular habit of mine or behavior, he would take steps to change it. He has already proven that by restricting my speech. No swearing for this girl unless it's in the bedroom in the throes of passion.

Co-dependence, this is something that is scaring me just a wee bit. I'm noticing that more and more, I can't make a decision without Master's approval. I defer to him on nearly everything. When he isn't present there are times I feel unable to act. I am fully immersed in my slavery it seems, and it happened bit by bit so I didn't notice it happening until it was done. It wasn't something we'd talked about, I don't know if he intended for this to happen.
What if something happens to him? What do I do then? I'm afraid that I'll be lost, drifting with no purpose or direction. I hope not to have to learn the answer to this question. If however, the answer comes to me, I do know there are people in my life that Master would approve of to help guide me.

It is a scary thing, slavery. I wouldn't choose any other life.

Boxing

Who would have ever thought of boxing as S&M play for an M/s couple? Until last night I never did. Then Master and I started sparring just for fun. We aimed for the shoulders of the other. Or rather I aimed for his and he landed several punches on both of my shoulders.

I really needed some pain play and we couldn't do much with the kids being here so while they were upstairs we sparred in the living room under the guise of just goofing around. There was a lot of laughter and giggling coming from me while he teased and taunted me. It turned the trick. My foul mood neatly evaporated as we danced around the living room. I landed a couple punches which only served to encourage him to redouble his efforts.

Afterwards we sat on the couch together making out when I turned to biting him wherever I found exposed skin. We were both getting amazingly turned on. He dragged me upstairs then, the kids had gone to bed by this time, and we turned on the stereo to mask any noises we might make. He stripped me as I lay there on the bed and started by pinching my left nipple and twisting it. At the same time he gently stroked between my legs which lulled me into a false sense of pleasure that was suddenly shattered as he slapped my exposed girly bits. The rest of the night was spent exhausting our primal lusts. Master spoiled me with a very powerful orgasm after which he used me for his own pleasure.

Today I feel a sense of calm and contentment. My muscles ache but it's a good ache.

Being a masochist isn't always easy and it isn't something I can turn off like a light switch. I sometimes wonder if I'm the only person who actually needs the pain play.

Moody brat

Where did the contented slave go? I'd like to know.
It seems like this moody attitude has just descended upon me this afternoon from out of the blue.

I recognize this mood, this attitude and the resulting brattiness. I need to be hurt. The intensity of my need is overwhelming. I could scream I'm so frustrated. Last weekend when we had the opportunity to play but Master took it easy on me because my back had been hurting. I am thankful he is concerned for my well-being really I am. I just wish my back hadn't been hurting so that we could have played as intensely as he'd suggested we would do.

I know I'm focusing on the wrong things, my focus belongs on Master, on serving him and being pleasing for him. Being a bratty little beast isn't going to be pleasing to anyone.

I need to lay this at his feet and let it go.

Discipline

"Without discipline, there's no life at all." -Katharine Hepburn
I found this quote, along with other superb journal prompts at Kindlings
So, I'm thinking, there's no life at all without discipline eh? I think that yes there is life without discipline but it's a very chaotic and unhappy life.

I'm a fairly undisciplined person and I'm slowly learning to be more disciplined. It is really difficult to retrain one's entire way of thinking and I slip and backslide occasionally. But with Master's help I think I am improving.

I find that I am more content when I discipline myself and keep things under control rather than letting them get out of control as a result of procrastination.

Yesterday I would have felt extremely guilty if I'd eaten the entire container of Pringles like I'd wanted to. But thanks to Master telling me I could only have a few, I was able to be content with just a few. I'm not sure how it worked really, my overeating urge tends to overrule everything but Master's control seemed to flip a switch in my head. I'll have to think more on that.

I definitely think that being disciplined helps one to have a happier and less chaotic life.

Snow!!

First I just want to register my complaint with Mother Nature about this snow that She decided we need. I'm tired of snow, I want to see green grass and leaf buds on the trees.

Today went pretty darn well considering the nasty weather that we've had. My job interview was good. Master dropped me off just in time to be with my mother before her eye surgery. She was pretty panicked but my sister and I jollied and laughed her through the wait.
The surgery itself was quick and went well. I spoke to her on the phone a little while ago and her vision is improved. That's a major weight off of my mind.

Our collaring ceremony was wonderful. I wore my hair up with a few wisps hanging down around my face. I knelt nude in front of Master, he said a few very wonderful things to me and asked me if I was ready and then he placed his collar around my neck. He finished with "What are you?" I answered "Your slave." He asked "What am I?" and I responded "My Master." Then he took my hand and pulled me to stand in front of him and we embraced. It was wonderful, meaningful, and I am thrilled that we were able to share it with our friends who really feel like family to me.

Afterwards Master worked me over and gave me the most wonderful flogging on my upper back. Yum! If I hadn't had an upcoming appointment with the chiropractor he was going to etch the word "slave" on my back. Darn those doctor's appointments!

Once we got home we had some pretty awesome sex too. He gave me two, count 'em two orgasms!! Yeah, I was feeling pretty spoiled after that.

Since Saturday night Master has been more affectionate, lots of hand holding and stroking my neck and his collar. I truly feel as though I am his cherished and treasured property. I want to run through the streets singing "He owns me!"

Sunday morning was a bit nerve wracking, I had to pass the kid test. Until I woke up Sunday morning I hadn't given any thought to what the kids might say or think about the ring of steel around my neck. As I pulled on my lounge clothes butterflies erupted in my belly. Once I was dressed I took a deep breath and headed downstairs. My worry was unnecessary. The youngest asked what it was. Master told her it was sort of a necklace that he bought for me. The oldest girl didn't say anything until last night when, saying goodnight, she tentatively touched it and said "It's still kind of weird." The oldest thought it was cool. So, I've passed the kid test.

I found that during my job interview I was very aware of the collar's weight around my neck which made me think of Master. I like that.

When it rains...

It pours... it really does. My sister is making plans to divorce her husband, my back has gone kaflooey, and my mother is having cataracts surgery on Monday.

And now, I have a job interview at 8:30 a.m. Monday morning. An hour and 15 minutes before my mother is due to be at the outpatient surgery center. I didn't want to schedule an interview on the day of her surgery but getting a job is high on my list of priorities right now. I need a part-time job in order to help Master support our family.

I'm beginning to dread my mother's surgery. Besides cataracts she has glaucoma, and her eyes were damaged in the womb. She was born legally blind though she still had some sight. Her eyes are weak and there is the possibility that removal of the cataracts will cause her eyes to just give out and she'll be totally blind. I'm scared of this possibility. She'll expect my sister and I to take care of her then. I can't do that. I just can't. I can barely stand spending time with her.

When most mothers and daughters are bonding my mother was busily avoiding reality by getting as doped up as possible on prescription drugs. She was abusive both verbally and physically. She withheld her love and approval from me and lavished it all on my baby sister who hates her. I raised my sister while my mother was drugging. After she got clean she became extremely selfish or maybe that is her true nature and I never noticed it until then. She went to college leaving us home alone a lot of the time. She had a man who raped her babysit us. Yet somehow she was surprised when he took a liking to little girls.

Even after all the hell she put us through she didn't make better arrangements for us, she left us home alone at night. She has apologized for screwing up. That's all well and good but she never made amends. She never tried to improve herself as a mother. She never changed. I'm still angry to this day. I'm still hurt. I was a good child, I was a loveable child but she wouldn't see that because my creation screwed up her life. Stupid wench, should have used a condom while screwing around on her husband.

I've thought about going to her with all of this but I know it won't penetrate her version of reality. In her mind she has apologized and all should be forgiven. "I'm sorry" isn't going to erase the nights spent crying myself to sleep, "I'm sorry" isn't going to erase the hell her selfishness put us girls through, "I'm sorry" isn't going to soothe the hurt feelings. It would have helped if it had been followed up with a genuine change. All she gave us were empty words that had no meaning because her actions said otherwise.

Yet, I'm the dutiful daughter, I'll be there for her Monday morning because she's scared and it's my job as her daughter to be there. I'm going for my sister more than for her. My sister shouldn't have to do it all.

If it weren't for Alan forcing me to pull back and focus on the family we created together, I think I'd still be doing all my mother's errands and jumping to run whenever she called. When I didn't have the strength to do it myself, he loaned me his.

Despite all this bitterness that I still feel towards her, I can see that without the experiences I had growing up I wouldn't be who I am today and for the most part, I like who I am.

Entering the calm

I've been contemplating and pondering and all those other fancy words for deep thought, about our upcoming collaring ceremony.

Gone are my nerves, my excitement is tempered with calm acceptance of my position.

Being collared as Alan's slave seems to me to be the inevitable progression of our relationship. Just as flowers blooming in the spring is the inevitable progression of the seasons. It is this knowledge that calms me, things are as they should be. I am his, I have always been his, it just took these many years for me to realize it. Yes, yes, I'm slow to realize certain things.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, when I first started exploring BDSM I swore I would never, ever, ever, be anyone's slave. I should have known never to say never. The concept of slavery was frightening to me. Being the control freak I was, and still am in some aspects, giving up that much control was akin to leaping from the highest cliff into a black abyss with no safety nets and no idea what I'd land on or even if I'd land.

So, I journeyed on as a submissive with numerous limits that I enforced regularly. Yet deep inside in the darkest recesses of my heart was the desire to serve and to be totally owned. I craved it and longed for it. I remember the first time I actually got to serve my dominant partner, I cooked for him and brought him his plate. I was all atwitter with the excitement of it. But something was missing. He didn't own me, he couldn't truly own me due to our circumstances. Nor did he have it in him to truly be a Master and on some level I knew this though I denied it to myself for a long time. I learned and grew a lot through my association with this dominant but the more I learned and the more I grew the more I became discontent with what he could offer me.

By some miracle Alan began exploring D/s with me. In a short time he began dominating me and showed signs of becoming a Master I could be proud to belong to.
One fine Sunday afternoon after a night of intensely heavy S&M I confessed to him that I wanted to give him my safewords. This was one of those 2x4 moments when you see things with a clarity that you don't experience very often. I knew then that we were moving towards becoming Master and slave. He'd begun to enslave me and I was a willing party to it.

Some months later he informed me that my limits were his. That revelation left me a shuddering pile of submissive goo.

Now, some months after his taking of my limits, he will take me and my whole body and soul resonate with the rightness of it.

Frustration

Sunday night my back felt better so I went to Wal-Mart. Yesterday morning I woke up with nearly as much pain the day I hurt my back. Okay, no more Wal-Mart for me. Gotcha. So what do I do? I go to the grocery store last night thinking I'll just walk slowly and won't be there long.
Will I ever learn? I wonder.

So I sit here on heat today and plan to do nothing for the rest of this week so my back can heal. I want to be able to kneel and walk without pain Saturday evening. As of right now, I can't do that.

I'm not quite sure how to feel about this. I've never had an injury that didn't get better after a few days. I don't like not being able to serve in the way I'm used to serving. I don't like having to answer the "Are you okay?" question every time he sees that I'm in pain. No I'm not okay, my back hurts and I can't make it better. I'm feeling rather growly about it all and then I feel like I'm being a jerk. Master is sincerely concerned about my well-being and here I am wanting to snap at him for it.

I'm a horrible patient.

This sucks

Thursday I decided to fold some laundry. As I stood up to put things away I heard and felt a pop in my lower back and then pain as the muscles spasmed. Went to the doc that evening and was told that I was having muscle spasms. No kidding?
Anyway, the doc gave me a pain killer and a muscle relaxer which has been helping. But now other muscles in my back are acting up. What is up with that?

My body decides to start falling apart when I begin to do something to make it feel better? That's just not right. How am I going to do any exercising if my back is injured? It makes me angry that this is happening.

I didn't know that was there!

I started doing Pilates yesterday using a video tape here at home. I'm using Pilates for Dummies and they are not kidding, it really does work your muscles. I have muscles in places I didn't know muscles existed.
I know this because they're aching today. It didn't hurt much yesterday, in fact it felt very good to be moving. When one sits around for the majority of the day one forgets how very good it feels to be moving around.

We've set the date for the collaring and have our fingers crossed that the collar will make it in time. I've spoken with the man who is making it and he assures me he'll get it to us before our date. We've chosen the 13th of this month. *wiggles with excitement*

I've been trying to write something to say to him that night and I keep coming back to this song Feels Like Home This song expresses a lot of what I feel about him. He feels like home to me. I'm getting sappy and mushy now. I know a lot of folks think love has no place in Master/slave relationships but the love was here before the M/s and has only deepend since.

I could serve without love but I wouldn't be serving with my whole heart and all of my being. To serve this way I need to love and be loved in return. Only then can I commit all of myself to service. I am fully committed to serving this man because I love him, because he is a man of honor and integrity, and because he loves me. Yeah, I think I've figured out what I'll say to him now.

Nerves

We're working on pinning down a date for the collaring ceremony and all of a sudden I'm a bundle of nerves again.
I'd gotten past the nerves about having something permanent around my neck. But now, now that we're setting a date, I'm nervous again. What is up with that?

I never had an actual wedding so I can't gauge whether or not this is like bridal jitteryness. We were married at the preacher's house with his wife and daughter in attendance. It was unplanned, we were just supposed to be ironing out the details when he said "Why don't we just do it now?" I didn't have time to get nervous.

I think it's the fact that it has gone from the abstract "We'll do it sometime soon." to "We're doing it on this date." It is finally fully real.
I'm realizing that my emotions are going to be out there for those in attendance to see and that's a bit daunting. Being nude in front of numerous people is nothing compared to having my emotions exposed.

*mental note: wear the waterproof mascara and bring tissues*

This is me, I am moved to tears easily because I feel things so keenly, I am very emotionally driven. My Lady has described me as being elemental and I think she's got the right of it.

Mostly I think I'm just excited that it is finally going to happen and I'm looking forward to taking this step with Master and sharing it with a couple of very close friends. This is very different from when we were married and that is as it should be.

I used to dream of the fairy tale wedding and marriage complete with white picket fence. One day I woke up and realized I'm not the white picket fence type and fairy tales are best left in books. This is real life and it is what you make of it.