Geeze, did I let things slide or what? Sorry about that. I had no intention of going this long without journaling. I just sort of slacked off. The kids were on spring break last week and it was hard to find a moment to myself. I hate that, feeling so clustered with people that I can't think.
There have been some things, concepts, swirling around in my brain lately. I'll begin thinking about them at night with the intention of journaling about them. Then I go to sleep and in the light of day the thoughts have broken up into little bits and pieces that I can't quite put back together. That is so annoying. It has been suggested to me that I should keep a pen and notepad by my bedside so I can jot these things down so I don't lose them. I just haven't implemented that particular idea yet. Procrastination is one of my worst failings.
One of the things that has been on my mind a lot recently is whether I'm a "good" slave or a "real" slave. I've fallen into that age old trap of comparing myself to others. I thought I'd learned to avoid that trap but, apparently not quite yet. After reading posts on LE about how being bratty makes one not a slave, I began feeling a little inadequate. Especially in light of the way Master treats me sometimes. I felt like he was deferring to me and my preferences all the time. I mentioned this to him and he pointed out that if he didn't want to do what we did or eat where we ate, we wouldn't. In the end it is his decision and I need to stop worrying so much, if I weren't slave enough for him he would move to fix that. And indeed, if he feels like exerting more control over me, he does and I bend to his will.
So why then do I compare myself to others? It's a form of self-torture is what it is. There's nothing wrong with admiring another and even aspiring to improve oneself. But when it turns to self-loathing and feelings of inadequacy, it is time to step back and take a moment to think.
I am who and what I am because Master desires me to be this way. If he didn't like a particular habit of mine or behavior, he would take steps to change it. He has already proven that by restricting my speech. No swearing for this girl unless it's in the bedroom in the throes of passion.
Co-dependence, this is something that is scaring me just a wee bit. I'm noticing that more and more, I can't make a decision without Master's approval. I defer to him on nearly everything. When he isn't present there are times I feel unable to act. I am fully immersed in my slavery it seems, and it happened bit by bit so I didn't notice it happening until it was done. It wasn't something we'd talked about, I don't know if he intended for this to happen.
What if something happens to him? What do I do then? I'm afraid that I'll be lost, drifting with no purpose or direction. I hope not to have to learn the answer to this question. If however, the answer comes to me, I do know there are people in my life that Master would approve of to help guide me.
It is a scary thing, slavery. I wouldn't choose any other life.
