It pours... it really does. My sister is making plans to divorce her husband, my back has gone kaflooey, and my mother is having cataracts surgery on Monday.
And now, I have a job interview at 8:30 a.m. Monday morning. An hour and 15 minutes before my mother is due to be at the outpatient surgery center. I didn't want to schedule an interview on the day of her surgery but getting a job is high on my list of priorities right now. I need a part-time job in order to help Master support our family.
I'm beginning to dread my mother's surgery. Besides cataracts she has glaucoma, and her eyes were damaged in the womb. She was born legally blind though she still had some sight. Her eyes are weak and there is the possibility that removal of the cataracts will cause her eyes to just give out and she'll be totally blind. I'm scared of this possibility. She'll expect my sister and I to take care of her then. I can't do that. I just can't. I can barely stand spending time with her.
When most mothers and daughters are bonding my mother was busily avoiding reality by getting as doped up as possible on prescription drugs. She was abusive both verbally and physically. She withheld her love and approval from me and lavished it all on my baby sister who hates her. I raised my sister while my mother was drugging. After she got clean she became extremely selfish or maybe that is her true nature and I never noticed it until then. She went to college leaving us home alone a lot of the time. She had a man who raped her babysit us. Yet somehow she was surprised when he took a liking to little girls.
Even after all the hell she put us through she didn't make better arrangements for us, she left us home alone at night. She has apologized for screwing up. That's all well and good but she never made amends. She never tried to improve herself as a mother. She never changed. I'm still angry to this day. I'm still hurt. I was a good child, I was a loveable child but she wouldn't see that because my creation screwed up her life. Stupid wench, should have used a condom while screwing around on her husband.
I've thought about going to her with all of this but I know it won't penetrate her version of reality. In her mind she has apologized and all should be forgiven. "I'm sorry" isn't going to erase the nights spent crying myself to sleep, "I'm sorry" isn't going to erase the hell her selfishness put us girls through, "I'm sorry" isn't going to soothe the hurt feelings. It would have helped if it had been followed up with a genuine change. All she gave us were empty words that had no meaning because her actions said otherwise.
Yet, I'm the dutiful daughter, I'll be there for her Monday morning because she's scared and it's my job as her daughter to be there. I'm going for my sister more than for her. My sister shouldn't have to do it all.
If it weren't for Alan forcing me to pull back and focus on the family we created together, I think I'd still be doing all my mother's errands and jumping to run whenever she called. When I didn't have the strength to do it myself, he loaned me his.
Despite all this bitterness that I still feel towards her, I can see that without the experiences I had growing up I wouldn't be who I am today and for the most part, I like who I am.
